SAUCY SECRETS: I’m so in love with my ex that I ignored a heartbreaking thing he did in bed

Dear Jana,

Last weekend I went on a secret trip with my ex, who my friends and family can’t stand because of the way he treated me in the past – especially his wandering eye. I didn’t tell anyone and kept it off social media.

While we were in bed I saw him texting another girl. To keep the peace I ignored it. I’m so in love with him, so I justify it by telling myself that I’m happier with him than without him. But I know I need to set better boundaries. How do I start setting boundaries that are actually achievable?

Anonymously.

Oh, Anonymous, we’ve all been there: those sneaky weekend getaways with someone we know we shouldn’t spend time with. I remember when my ex-boyfriend got out of prison (when I was in my 20s) and I took him for a romantic weekend along the coast without my family or friends having any idea.

Did he cheat on me again? Yes! Have I learned my lesson? Well, eventually. But the thing is, eventually you get tired of all the drama. You’ll reach a point where you’ll be so sick of his bullshit that you’ll kick him to the curb – and this time you’ll mean it.

So don’t be too hard on yourself. Right now it sounds like you’re dealing with low self-esteem. But that can absolutely be turned around. I noticed that shifting my focus to my career helped. As I got better at work, my confidence grew and I stopped settling for guys who weren’t worth my time.

So my advice to you: put your energy into something outside of this relationship. Whether it’s taking up a new sport, changing your career, or volunteering for a cause you care about, anything that will help you stop obsessing over him and build your confidence. When your self-esteem is stronger, setting better boundaries will feel more natural.

And stay away from the prison birds. Okay, that was more of a note to myself.

Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives her trademark cheeky advice to Australians who need help with their love life – or lack thereof

Dear Jana,

I constantly daydream about bending my handsome coworker over my desk. I don’t want anything serious, but I would like to have some naughty time with her. Is there a way to see if she would be interested in a co-worker with benefits without getting a call from HR? She’s fun and flirty and thinks she might like that, but isn’t sure how to go about it.

Steven.

Steven, Steven, Steven,

First off, props for livening things up in the office. A little intrigue in the workplace can make the nine-to-five a lot more exciting. Oh, how I love a saucy office crush!

As for your handsome colleague, I’d say, “Go for it, tiger!” But let’s do this strategically. Start with some subtle flirting. A playful comment here, a lingering look there. See how she reacts. If she feels like it, she will flirt back.

Remember, subtlety is key. You don’t want to seem too forward or thirsty. Keep it light and fun. And for the love of HR, keep it professional during work hours. Save the flirting for drinks after work. Is that why they weren’t made?

If things take things to the next level and you’re both feeling a little playful, then you can take things to a different location. A secret meeting, a late-night appointment… the possibilities are endless.

Remember: have fun, wear a condom and don’t get caught!

“You just found out the hard way that cheating really does bite you in the ass. You didn’t know how good your partner was until she finally found someone better. Oh, it’s a story as old as time,’ says Jana

Dear Jana,

I never thought it would come to this, but here I am, trying to make sense of it all. After a few cheating mistakes on my part, my wife and I decided to open our marriage. I thought it would give us the freedom to explore and heal, but instead it led to the end of our relationship. She ended up leaving me for the first person she got involved in the polyamorous setup with. Now they are engaged less than a year after our divorce.

I can’t shake the feeling that this is all my fault; that I pushed for this, thinking it might fix things, but in the end it just destroyed everything. I know I made a big mistake and I want her back, but she says she can never trust me again.

I don’t know how to show her that I’ve changed. I want to prove to her that I am a different person now, that I understand what I did, and that I am truly sorry. But I don’t know where to start, or if it’s even possible to win her back at this point.

How can I show her that I have really changed, and is there any way to rebuild trust after everything that has happened?

Anonymously.

Oh Anonymous, what a hassle. I’ll be honest, the evil side of me wants to laugh at the karma done to you. And honestly, I think you’ve set yourself an impossible task. You have violated the cardinal rule of relationships: trust. Once that’s over, it’s incredibly hard to get back – and it sounds like your ex-wife gave you way too many chances before she got it all.

You just found out the hard way that cheating really does bite you in the ass. You didn’t know how good your partner was until she finally found someone better. Oh, it’s a story as old as time.

You can’t force someone to forgive you, no matter how much you regret your actions. You’ll have to show her genuine remorse, and that means more than just saying sorry. You have to prove that you have changed. This could mean therapy, self-reflection, or even joining a support group. Action means more than words.

It is up to your ex-wife to decide whether she wants to give you another chance. But it sounds like she’s moved on, so shouldn’t you do her one last favor and let her be happy?

All you can do is work on yourself and hope she changes her mind. But don’t hold your breath.