SAUCY SECRETS: My husband let loose on me with a fantasy I never saw coming—and it could ruin our entire relationship. Should I do it anyway?
Dear Jana,
My husband recently dropped a bombshell: he said his biggest fantasy would be to see me sleep with another man – specifically, one of his younger, hotter coworkers. He insists that would be the perfect birthday present for him.
At first I was stunned, but now that I’ve seen a picture of his coworker, I’m intrigued. The only thing I’m still unsure about is whether this will change the way my husband sees me or if I’ll fulfill his fantasy. Should I do it or should I avoid it?
Anonymously
Dear Anonymous,
Oh, I love it when partners dare to share their fantasies, and kudos to you for not kink-shaming him. It sure beats them exploring kinks behind each other’s backs, although that sounds like it wouldn’t really work without your participation.
The fact that you’re intrigued rather than shocked is a good sign. There’s no harm in exploring this fantasy if it turns you on. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not just to keep your hubby’s eyes from wandering.
Now let’s answer the real question. How will this change your dynamic? A good dose of caution is key here. It’s one thing to indulge in a fantasy and another to let it change how he sees you. Make sure you’re both on the same page and remember that fantasies can be exciting, but sometimes they can have unforeseen consequences. Maybe tell him you’ll try it once, but that it’s not something you’ll do regularly. Well, unless you end up loving it.
As for making the fantasy come true – well, girl, if you’re intrigued, go ahead and lean into it. Just remember that you’re not a prop in his fantasy; you’re a fantastic, irresistible force in your own right, and you should check in with yourself regularly to make sure you’re enjoying it.
Do what feels right for you and make sure you don’t sacrifice your self-worth for someone else’s horny benefits.
Jana Hocking offers advice to Australians confessing their dark secrets
Dear Jana,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now and I have repeatedly asked him to unfollow his ex on social media. Although I don’t think there is anything going on between them, he did admit that she broke his heart when we first started dating. Asking him to unfollow her always leads to arguments.
He insists she’s no problem and refuses to cut contact, which makes me feel second best. I feel uncomfortable with the idea of him keeping her in his social media circle, and she’s constantly liking all his photos. I wonder if they’re both keeping something for each other.
Even though I acknowledge that this makes me insecure, he dismisses my feelings, calls me crazy and won’t choose between her and me. Am I being unreasonable or is it time to reconsider this relationship?
Anonymously
Dear Anonymous,
No, no, no. He’s wrong, you’re right.
This is clearly eating you up. And as someone who knows the dangers of dating someone who doesn’t mind following the ghosts of her former friends, I completely understand the genuine pain you feel when you see her name pop up.
Let me be very clear, your feelings are completely valid, and it is important to acknowledge that his actions are giving you clear red flags. Big, rude, annoying ones.
And if I’m being completely honest, it sounds like he’s having a hard time cutting ties with his previous relationship. Ouch.
What really irritates me is when he dismisses your feelings as bullshit and calls you crazy. Oh, not today Satan! This kind of behavior is a form of gaslighting, which is a serious problem in any relationship. I mean, have you watched Love Island? It’s rampant in our current dating scene and it shouldn’t be tolerated. It undermines your emotions and makes you question your own reality.
So I think it’s crucial to consider your own well-being. I would try to have a calm and honest conversation about how his social media choices are affecting you. Express your feelings without accusing or blaming and listen to his perspective as well.
If he still can’t see that it upsets you, I would think about whether this relationship is meeting your needs and whether you feel respected. Your feelings and needs are important and you deserve to be with someone who respects and values you. Period.
“People really underestimate the importance of looking and feeling great,” says Jana
Dear Jana,
I recently spent my entire tax refund on fillers and Botox, and now my husband is furious. We should really be saving for a down payment on a house, and he insists I should have used the money for that. But this is my hard-earned money, and since turning 40, I’ve been feeling pretty down about my appearance.
Should I feel guilty about this indulgence, or is it fair to treat myself and prioritize my self-worth? I’ve never felt so hot!
Josephine
Girl,
In the immortal words of Aziz Ansari’s character on ‘Parks and Rec’: TREAT YOURSELF! Are you skipping meals or skimping on toilet paper? No. So why be embarrassed about a little indulgence for yourself?
Look, I get it – growing up sometimes means making tough choices, but honestly, a house deposit can wait. You just turned 40 and if a few needles make you feel like a hot, glowing goddess, I say go for it! Embrace that va va voom.
In fact, I practically call my dermatologist by my first name. When I walk into the clinic, my motto is, “Throw those needles at me like I’m a human dartboard!”
It’s your money, your self-worth, and your attractiveness. So tell him to stop whining and let you live your best life. People really underestimate the importance of looking and feeling great.
