A stranger gave me a compliment 10 years ago that I will never forget. I was at a restaurant in Brooklyn with my then three-year-old and some of her friends. I made them laugh by being silly – like putting two long fries under my upper lip to make me look like a walrus.

After lunch a woman came up to me and said she enjoyed my ‘show’. She was recently widowed, she said, and it felt good to laugh.

Offering a compliment has been shown to benefit both the giver and the receiver, but we often hold back because we worry about how we’ll get out of it, says Erica Boothby, a social psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, which has studied the positive effects of compliments.

Many of us, said Dr. Boothby, wrestling with questions like: Am I making the other person feel uncomfortable? Will the compliment seem fake, or pandering?

“The reality is that these messages are usually much more welcome than we expect,” she said. “And we are overly, unnecessarily pessimistic.”

I want to make us all feel more confident by giving compliments, so I asked Dr. Boothby and other experts for suggestions.

One of them, Milo McCabe, gave me a “compliment lesson” last week outside the main location of the New York Public Library. He is a British comedian who plays a mid-century “matinee idol” character named Troy Hawke in viral videos. McCabe wears a tuxedo jacket and a pencil mustache and is known for his compliments athletes at sporting events. (“You have the balance of an apex predator, but the eyes of a friendly forest animal,” he once told Manchester City footballer Nathan Aké.)

Complimenting a stranger? Keep it short, sincere and positive.

First, assess people’s body language to see if they seem open to approach, said McCabe, who arrived for our character lesson. Then, he added, look for attractive quirks.

If someone has clearly made an effort to dress up, for example, this should be noted immediately. “I love that pastel blue blazer,” he said to an older man, whose face lit up. “With purple socks? Astonishing. Confident.”

McCabe told one woman she had an admirable attitude. “You’re obviously doing the Alexander Technique all day,” he said. She smiled and straightened up even more.

Keep it positive, keep it short and keep it moving so people are reassured that you don’t have an agenda, McCabe told me.

And be sincere, even with strangers, said Dr. Boothby. “You shouldn’t give empty compliments that you don’t really feel.”

Praise a friend or loved one? Be specific.

When you compliment someone you know, try to make it distinctive, says Barbara Fredrickson, director of the Positive Emotions and Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and author of “Love 2.0.” Instead of saying that you like the person’s smile, say how it makes you feel. (“When I hear you laugh, I want to laugh too.”)

Or, if you compliment something someone has done, explain why you admire it, said Dr. Fredrickson. “Instead of just saying, ‘Oh, what a delicious meal you had,'” she said, “you can say, ‘You’re always so good at finding a new recipe and being creative.'” Your compliment personalizing with context, she said, makes the person feel even more valued.

It doesn’t have to be an excessive compliment either, McCabe said. You can use humor to praise everyday actions. (Based on his suggestion, I told my husband, “You’re replacing the coffee filter like a champ.”)

Do not doubt yourself.

If you have a positive thought about someone, Dr. Fredrickson said, consider sharing it. Even better: Look for opportunities to slip a compliment into your conversation.

Most people are “in the grip of their inner critic,” McCabe said. “But if you can give someone a good compliment – ​​that’s what you mean – you’re giving his inner critic a kind of right hook.”

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