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Extra long sheets. Shower shoes. The wall hooks and putty that keep things in place but don’t leave stains.
Most colleges provide a list of things new students should bring when living on campus, and most major stores stock everything and than what.
But there’s another list you might want to consider. This one includes products that aren’t at the bottom of Target’s shelves or on someone’s wish list on Amazon.
It includes the form that allows you to assist with an adult child’s health care — and a form you create yourself that gives you carte blanche to call you if the child somehow ends up in cuffs. And how about some midnight pizza facilitation?
There is a caveat to such a list. Some of these things may be fun, but doing most of them is a bit much.
“If the bond with home is very strong, students don’t form bonds in the new place,” says Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of “How to Raise an Adult.” “You can inadvertently convey the message that ‘I don’t think you can do this without me doing this for you,’ and we never want to convey that message.”
The list below should give you a few good ideas. None of them cost more than $50 or so, and many are free, which is handy given the staggering size of tuition bills.
Let us know if you have other suggestions. We’ll use reader feedback to create a new list next summer — or this month if we get new ones soon enough.
Forms and Passes
Power of Attorney for Health Care
Shari George Polur, an elder care and disability attorney in Louisville, Kentucky, gave two of her daughter’s friends a special gift for their high school graduation that she hoped they would never have to use: a health care power of attorney.
At age 18, individuals gain the right to make their own medical decisions, as well as the privacy protections under the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. A health care power of attorney gives parents or guardians the authority to make medical decisions, and can also grant them access medical records if their child is incapacitated.
“You can authorize as little or as much as you want,” Ms. Polur said. She also suggests getting a general, durable power of attorney for legal and financial matters, so parents can handle those matters as well if needed.
Consent for students under the age of 18
While privacy laws can prevent parents from learning much about their child’s illness at university or college, students who graduate before age 18 may not receive care at all without explicit parental consent.
For example, the University of Central Florida requires a consent form when such students seek counseling. Karen R. Hofmann, director of the school’s counseling and psychological services, suggests talking about it, not just signing it. If a teen has never seen a therapist before, parental encouragement can reduce any reluctance or embarrassment about doing so.
AT&T card – and a ‘get-out-of-jail-free’ card
If you went to university in the days of public telephones, you probably remember the cards that allowed you to make calls. Buy one on eBay as a visual gag — or just print out a photo of one of them and stick it in a cheap frame. Then instruct him to call you first if any major challenges arise, whatever they may be.
Arrests happen, for example — fake IDs, disorderly conduct, protests, and trespassing. But if your child is more afraid of you than the authorities, that phone call may never come.
Try a script like this: “You’re smart enough to stay out of trouble. But if you make a mistake or get into something bad, let me be your first one so I can help you fix it.” Fixing it could also mean putting up some bail money or money for fines. In essence, the business card can be a free pass.
If your child could become pregnant or could impregnate someone else, remember that not all health care options are readily available in all states or areas. Do you want to be the first to be called about this? Say so. The second call in that case could be to the school, which may have emergency funds available to cover travel expenses.
Money and health
Authorized user card (also emergency card)
Parents may remember how easy it used to be for students to get a credit card.
Those days are over, due to changes in federal law. Now, you generally have to be 21 to file for yourself.
Instead, consider a so-called authorized user card. This has the child’s name on it, but the charges are still credited to one account: yours.
Careful? The card can serve as an “only-use-in-an-emergency” spending vehicle. However you use it, the card will also help your child build a credit history and a decent credit score. However, this is only if you continue to pay your bills on time and maintain other good habits, as your good behavior will benefit the authorized user.
Medical history and shared documents
There comes a time when you receive a phone call or a text message from someone who is sick or injured. It may not be a good time.
“They’ll be sitting there, it’ll be 1 a.m., and they’ll need stitches,” said Lisa Heffernan, a co-founder of Grown and flowna community and website for parents of young adults.
You may not be able to pick up and may be wondering: when was the last tetanus shot?
One solution would be a digital document folder, where you can store vaccination and prescription records and any medical history of children that might come in handy. You could add photos of a driver’s license, health insurance cards, the primary page of a passport, and anything else that might be useful or might get lost.
All the rest
Traces of yourself
Eleven years ago, Chanel Reynolds told Ron about the painful lessons she had learned about financial preparation after the untimely death of her husband. One recommendation she had was to leave traces of yourself; you can spend years preserving a child’s artwork without ever creating an artifact of your own life that your child can later cherish.
When her son left for college a few years ago, Mrs. Reynolds tucked a few handwritten cards into various things the two had packed, knowing he would find them days or weeks later. He did, texting when he found them.
Then came a phone call that warmed her heart. “He told me on the phone that he had re-read one of my cards,” she said. “I asked which one, and he told me the one where I said I was proud of him and trusted him and had every confidence that he could work things out — even when it was hard.”
The good thing about leaving multiple notes is that it gives you multiple chances to produce something worth revisiting. Do you have a family favorite Bible verse or other sacred passage? Use it here. A legendary saying from a grandparent? Put it in a sock.
Playlists
Get a final hug. Walk away from the airport, bus station, or dorm without looking over your shoulder and bursting into tears. Then send your new student a playlist to listen to, filled with meaningful songs.
Maybe there are songs you sang together when your child was in preschool. Maybe you were lucky enough to make music together. For parents who took their kids to their first concert or their first 10, there are bound to be highlights from those setlists that are worth recording. When you feel it, you know it’s true that you are blessed and happy.
This can be a delicate issue for people whose children find their musical tastes cringworthy. Record those songs anyway, and then mix in meaningful melodies that she introduced to youmaybe without them even knowing (until they hear the playlist) how much you love their music.
The first pizza
Food is love for so many families, but you can’t just provide it when you’re far away. Food is also community, and it can help you build a new community if you share it with the right strangers.
That’s why the founders of Grown & Flown advise to give children a few pizzas if they come late at night. The only condition is that they want to attract a few new people into their circle of friends.
Pro tip: Many dorms and common areas have doors that close automatically. Grown & Flown’s other founder, Mary Dell Harrington, recommends adding a rubber doorstop to your offerings so the pepperoni smell wafts down the hall and attracts other hungry people.
Safe words
Many parents give their teens a lot of unsolicited advice. Your child may be fed up with it. Maybe you know it’s a problem, but you just can’t help it.
“That advice may not help someone develop skills to solve the problems they see and encounter,” said Frances Cloud, director of the counseling center at Spelman College.
If this is the case for you, Ms. Cloud suggests you discuss this with your child and use a safe word that children can use when they want to talk to you but can’t tolerate judgment, feedback, or instructions.
Ms. Cloud doesn’t have a specific go-to word. “The word isn’t as important as what happens after you say it,” she said.
A gift for you too
Ms. Lythcott-Haims, or “Dean Julie” to the thousands of Stanford students who benefited from her work between 1998 and 2012, is a little wary of this whole list-making endeavor and how a child might view it if you go overboard. “Find a therapist, find a hobby,” she said. “Don’t rain down sadness on a child who is trying to start a new phase in their life.”
Heard. But still.
You do want phone calls, for whatever reason or not at all, and having the safe word available can make kids more comfortable making them. So after all the forethought and packing and tuition — and, yes, Target — it’s okay to ask, politely, regularly to hear their voices.
After all, it could also be the case that you are giving the child as a gift in order to use the family subscription.
