In his work as a parent therapist, Terry Real people sees more questions from their romantic relationships than ever before. They want deep intimacy. Romantic walks on the beach. Great sex until well into their 70s.
“We all want gods or goddesses who will complete and heal us,” Mr. Real, the author of “Us: Visit you and I come to build a more loving relationship“Said on stage on Wednesday at the New York Times Well Festival in Brooklyn.” The reality is that we are stuck to a person who is just as imperfect as we do. “
The good news? Learning a few simple relationship skills can help couples by navigating the ups and downs of long -term intimacy.
Enter it to be right.
It is easy to think that one of you is inherent on the winning side of an argument and that the other is completely wrong.
But Mr. Real often tells his customers: “Who is right? Who is wrong? What does it matter?”
Instead of fixing himself to parties, Mr. Real to think about your relationship as a ‘biosphere’. You live in it, and it is in your interest to keep it healthy. If you are in the middle of a TIFF, remind yourself that it can ultimately be in your own interest to prioritize protecting that biosphere above proving a point.
And if you still stubbornly stick to the idea of being right, ask yourself: how do I want to use my time? Do I want to spend the evening with a fight? You can quickly realize that finding a common basis with your partner is more attractive than winning the fight.
Ask for what you want.
The top error that people when they fight with a partner is not clear about what they actually want, Mr. Real. He often sees customers who are stuck in a vicious circle where one partner always grabs the same things, while the other withdraws.
But don’t confuse asking for what you want to grumble about what you think your partner is doing wrong, he warned.
“Complaining about how far your partner is, will not evoke a generous response,” Mr Real explained. Complaining is not a vulnerable act, he said, but being honest about what you need is – and that openness can help generate a more compassionate response from your partner.
Take it against your partner.
That kind of honesty is especially important as time passes. Mr. Real often preaches the importance of having what he calls one ‘relational settlement. “In essence, you mean that asking yourself if you get enough from the relationship to be in order with what you don’t get.
In prolonged relationships, “couples no longer put together to deal with each other,” Mr. Real-Vaik just said because it feels easier. “We say we are making a compromise, but really, we are setting up,” he warned. “Resentment builds up. Generosity dies.”
But it is important to “take on each other”-especially in long-term relationships. Dare to tell your partner what you want and need, and to be vulnerable, he said.
He did not do a sugar coat how difficult those conversations can be. If you and your partner have difficulty taking on each other with compassion, Mr. Real advised: “Slow your partner to a therapist.”
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