Sex expert reveals 4 golden rules for having ‘birds and bees’ conversations with kids – and advises starting at age 10

A sexologist claims she nearly took the internet by storm when she gave parents of young boys some surprising advice.

TikTok star Rachel Coler Mulholland advises families to stock up on condoms for boys ages 10 and up so they get used to the feeling of wearing one, even when pleasuring themselves.

In her upcoming book, The Birds, the Bees and the Elephant in the Roomshe gives parents valuable advice on how to talk to children and teenagers about sex.

An important recommendation is to explain that condoms are one of the most effective and accessible forms of protection against STDs and contraception available.

“Using condoms keeps people safe,” she says. That’s why it makes sense to “encourage guys” to “get used to the feeling of wearing a condom, rather than avoiding them.”

Rachel says: ‘Counselling around self-exploration should be free of shame, require privacy and focus on hygienic practices’

Rachel is a mother of three children, ages five, eight, and 16. Her book even includes sample scripts parents can use to help initiate that awkward “birds and the bees” conversation.

The most reasonable and logical time to do that, she says, is while masturbating.

Rachel — who has 762K followers on the social media platform — even provides a sample script that parents can use to get the conversation started.

She suggests that parents say something like, “I just wanted to let you know that there’s a box of condoms under the bathroom sink for you. It’s really important that you get used to how condoms feel, because they’re one of the best ways to protect yourself as you get older and start having sex with a partner.

‘I have one here and I’ll show you how it works.

‘If you choose to use condoms while exploring, it can help you get used to the feeling and reduce the amount of cleanup you have to do afterwards.

“I won’t ask you about them or where they go, but I will check the box occasionally and refill them for you. If you want to know more about how they work or want me to get a different kind, you can always ask me or leave a message.”

Rachel is an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota Morris. She believes it’s never too early to start talking openly about sex with your kids. Give them age-appropriate information as they begin to explore their own bodies.

She writes: ‘Curiosity about the human body ranges from information seeking to sensory exploration. This self-exploration, also known as masturbation, is considered developmentally normal, although it is highly stigmatized in many cultures.

‘Helping children understand the health and safety boundaries of self-exploration is an important and often daunting task for parents. However, parents’ proactive choices can both keep their children safe and potentially identify children who have been made unsafe.’

She adds: ‘Some children may be ready and willing to have these conversations when they are 10 or 11, and some may not. Some may be more receptive when they are 12, 13 or 14. However, if they have not indicated that they are willing by the time they are 15, then (in most cases) they should just be told.

‘Counseling around self-examination should be free of shame, require privacy, and focus on hygienic practices.’

She even offers advice on introducing topics like oral and anal sex, a conversation that can happen as early as age 10. That includes explaining in simple terms what goes where and emphasizing the need for lube.

Once you turn 18, you’re not allowed to date anyone younger than you, says Rachel

However, she stresses that children should not start dating until they are at least 12 years old.

Rachel, mother of three children aged five, eight and sixteen, developed the Number 12 Rule as a guide for early romantic relationships.

1. You may not start a relationship until you are twelve because your brain is not ready for it. It is still learning about itself and is going through many changes.

2. Once you start dating, you will do your first dates in a group setting and under supervision.

3. Until you are 18 years old, you may not date anyone who is more than 12 months older or 12 months younger than you.

4. Once you turn 18, you don’t date anyone under 18. That also means you have to talk to them and wait until the object of your desire turns 18. That, she says, is grooming.

Although she realizes that these rules are not to everyone’s liking and that there are always exceptions, she sticks to them.

“Developmental science tells us that individual children and teens grow and mature at very different rates. Sometimes it feels like development has happened overnight. And… a gap of no more than 12 months is a reasonable rule to start with.”

The Birds, the Bees and the Elephant in the Room: Talking to Your Kids About Sex and Other Sensitive Topics by Rachel Coler Mulholland is published by Union Square & Co, July 16