Topless men are a scourge in the UK – hairy backs and breasts should be banned in public

Ah, in the summer you can’t beat Britain: long, lazy days, fish and chips on the beach, cool, refreshing beers in the beer garden… men parading around with no tops on.

Yes, with temperatures above 34 degrees this week, the Great British Belly is back in full force.

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From park benches to petrol stations, patisserie was on display from Newcastle to Newquay.

Crazy dogs and Englishmen let themselves go in the midday sun.

But this nod to nudity, confined to the football stands during the colder months, is becoming one of the ugliest features, a new poll has found.

Three quarters of respondents surveyed this week agreed that it is “completely unacceptable” for men to remove their outer clothing in public, unless they are on the beach or by a swimming pool.

A third went further and called for a BAN on men walking around topless, while a fifth believed anyone who broke the law should be fined.

Harriet Scott, CEO of Perspectus Global, which commissioned the national survey of 2,000 people, said: “Britain has spoken out and it seems that as a nation we have voted strongly against the idea of ​​men taking their tops off in the summer.”

No shirt, Sherlock!

Topless twits are becoming the scourge of Britain. Man boobs that haven’t seen the sun since they were burnt to a crisp on that two-week trip to Faliraki last year are competing with bloated bellies that would make Jimmy Five Bellies look anorexic.

Nipples on the dinner plate fight for space, with hideously hairy backs and thick rolls that resemble a concertina of cookie dough.

And they are everywhere.

A woman on Mumsnet posted how she took her “adorable son” to the hairdresser, only to find a grown man getting his hair cut while wearing nothing but shorts.

But it’s not just the ugly flab we’re all sick of seeing in public — it’s also the chiseled Adonis look. The pumped-up posers make up the, ahem, bulk of these naked numpties.

Stupid gym bros, fueled by protein shakes, Dubai vacations and Instagram likes, are turning our city centers into the Love Island Villa. Well, here’s a text for you, lads: Pec it in!

‘Half-naked half-whites are unwanted intruders’

There’s a time and a place for peeling, but standing in line with your “totes protes” Tesco Meal Deal is not it.

What is it about the British psyche that makes some men think they are Michelangelo’s David?

And yes, before you ask: if the most famous naked man in the world suddenly came to life, jumped off his throne and started prowling the streets of Florence bald, I’d be shitting on him too.

There is a time and a place to peel away

Part of the blame for this body bravado can be attributed to the British obsession with exercise.

According to the UK Fitness Industry Report, gym attendance is on the rise, with a four percent increase between 2022 and 2023.

That means more iron and more pumping.

Love Island and its endless parade of perfectly formed imbeciles must take much of the blame for these breaches of trust.

But I also have to give a shout-out to Simon Cowell, who went from “X Factor” to “Pecs Factor” when he walked around Miami wearing nothing but one of those ridiculous jeans he uses to hide his high-heeled shoes.

Many praised his “bravery” as he peeled off his burned chest in a city with more hot bodies than a Magic Mike convention.

But for others, it was the height of male narcissism.

Because that’s what public exposure is all about: the egotistical belief that the world needs to see you in all your imaginary glory.

For these shirt-aphobics, the 1994 Diet Coke Break commercial wasn’t a run-of-the-mill soda ad; it was a design for life. The soundtrack? Muddy Waters’ I Just Want To Make Love To You.

So… break free – go make love.

But for every woman – or man – who finds themselves eyeing a hot topless guy (and 46 percent of respondents said they would make an exception for someone attractive), there will also be one reaching for the Mace.

These half-naked idiots are an unwanted intruder, especially on public transport.

These half-naked half-wits are an unwanted intruder

Getting from A to B is tough enough in summer, without the threat of a Lynx Africa-dominated sweat caused by some idiot with no T-shirt and only a bum bag around his neck.

Britain would be wise to adopt the approach of France, where some cities have strict policies of cover-up.

I would go even further and make it a criminal offense.

Any man caught shirtless outside a changing room, park, pool or beach during the summer months should be sentenced to 12 weeks in Wormwood Scrubs.

Let’s see how quickly they get undressed there.

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