There may be a lot of information available about sex, but much of it is misinformation.
That is why the problems that sexologists regularly encounter are often solved by simply educating people about sex.
But what is the advice that sex therapists repeat over and over again? What do they wish we all learned in school?
This, to begin with…
Orgasm is not the goal of sex, pleasure is
Women worry a lot about orgasms: that they won’t have one, that it takes too long to have one, why the orgasm we just had doesn’t feel the same as the orgasm we had last week – the list goes on.
Tracey Cox believes that not reaching orgasm should not stop couples from having sex. Instead of focusing on reaching climax, couples should focus on pleasure (stock image)
All pointless anxiety, say sex therapists. Why should anyone care about how long it takes to reach orgasm? What difference does it make if it takes a long time?
Most therapists think we make far too much fuss about orgasms. In really good sex, says American sex therapist Stephen Snyder, an orgasm should be like the dessert at the end of a good meal. Unforgettable, perhaps. But not the reason you went out to eat.
The couples who have the best sex are the ones who don’t set orgasm as a goal. They just enjoy it – when and if it comes. Orgasm isn’t the goal of sex, pleasure is.
Desire fluctuates – and that’s normal
So many couples worry unnecessarily when they go through a period where they, or their partner, loses the desire for sex. We are human – not robots!
Desire is not something that is constant: it comes and goes, depending on what else is happening in our lives.
Most people accept that desire is highest at the beginning of a relationship and decreases the longer we are with someone. But forget about all the other factors that influence it.
Obvious libido dampeners include stress, health issues, pregnancy, parenthood, and money worries. Basically anything that negatively impacts our lives: most people need to be happy to be in the mood for sex – and happy with their partner.
She reminds us that desire is not constant – it comes and goes, depending on what else is happening in our lives (stock image)
You can’t separate your sex life from your relationship. If you feel like you’re being taken advantage of—you’re doing all the housework, your partner isn’t respecting you or listening to you—you’re not going to take your clothes off at the end of the day and say, “I want to have sex with you right now.” Lingering resentment is a major passion killer in long-term relationships.
Aging causes hormonal changes that can drastically affect desire.
As long as you talk to each other about where you stand — “Sorry, I don’t feel like having sex right now, but that new boss is really annoying me” — keep the affection going, and maybe offer some effortless sex options (oral sex, perhaps, or watching each other masturbate?), most relationships can handle the natural fluctuations that occur over time.
Your vagina smells delicious
Women worry about how they smell from a young age. Manufacturers of products that are supposed to make our vaginas smell ‘better’ – melts, douches, deodorants, sprays – play on this mercilessly.
We don’t need ‘enhancement’ or ‘refreshment’. Vaginas shouldn’t smell like strawberries and cream. Not only are these products unnecessary, they disrupt the delicate balance of flora and cause irritation, infections and even pelvic inflammatory disease.
A healthy vagina has a slight odor, but it’s not unpleasant. Wear breathable underwear, skip the tight jeans every now and then, wash with a soap-free product – and relax afterwards. If you notice any discharge, unpleasant odors or changes, see your doctor.
When aroused, the vagina produces a mix of pheromones that act as an aphrodisiac. Many people do NOT want their partner to shower or wash before sex for this reason. They do not want a homogenized, artificial scent, they want the natural scent of a woman who is aroused by them.
Women can feel insecure about how they smell, but Tracey says there’s no need to use melts, douches, deodorants or sprays (stock image)
Fear of failure is common and manageable
Fear of failure can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, experience or attractiveness.
One moment you’re doing fine, the next moment you’re completely in your head during sex: you’re hyper-aware of your body, how it looks and functions.
Instead of losing yourself in the moment, you anxiously scan your partner’s face to see if he or she is enjoying themselves. You can’t orgasm because you’re afraid your “orgasm face” will be a turn-off.
Fear of your performance often goes hand in hand with spectatorship: the feeling of floating above both of you, looking down, a voice in your head constantly commenting on what’s happening.
Fear of failure can be triggered by a thoughtless comment from your partner or ex, leaving you in a vicious cycle of stress and worry.
Techniques such as mindfulness, relaxation exercises, and focusing on what you feel rather than what you see can help reduce anxiety about sex.
Better yet, recognize that we all go through periods of self-doubt. Accept that you won’t always feel your best and that the fear will often pass quickly.
Aging causes hormone changes that can also have a dramatic effect on desire (stock image)
Sexual compatibility takes work
Sexual compatibility is often seen as something that either exists or it doesn’t exist: the magical ‘chemical’ ingredient that people become very attached to.
But while it is important to feel attracted when you meet, that lightning bolt we all think of as chemistry is just lust. Lust fades quickly: true compatibility comes with effort and adjustment.
Disappointing but necessary to know: You can’t put your sex life on autopilot and expect good sex to happen. You need good communication, a willingness to try new things, and an openness to compromise to find a satisfying balance for both of you.
Men also have a low libido
The stereotype is that it is the woman who turns her face to the wall, but men also suffer from a lack of desire.
Work stress, mild depression (which often occurs after the age of 40 when men realize that they may not be achieving everything they want to), low energy due to poor lifestyle habits, loss of self-confidence due to erectile dysfunction… there are many things that can undermine a man’s sex drive.
A man’s libido can be affected by work stress, mild depression and a lack of energy due to poor lifestyle habits (stock image)
The difference between men and women is that society assumes that men want sex all the time and a lot. If they don’t want it, they feel inadequate and unmanly.
What happens then is a downward spiral. Many men do what women do when they are stressed: medicate themselves with alcohol. Excessive drinking affects the production of testosterone, the primary hormone responsible for our sex drive.
Not surprisingly, the kick-on effect of all this is often a deepening depression. So he goes to the doctor who prescribes antidepressants and maybe some blood pressure pills, effectively taking away any cravings that were hopefully still there.
A common side effect of antidepressants and blood pressure lowering medications is… you guessed it, low libido.
- Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, books, podcast and products.
