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WITH over two million stepmothers in the UK, it’s estimated that one in three children born will be born into a blended family. But what happens if you can’t get along with your partner’s kids?
A 37-year-old woman tells Mel Fallowfield why she wishes she never had to see her stepchildren again.
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My youngest stepchild Harry sits at the table sulking and refusing to eat his chicken nuggets.
They are his favorite foods, but he won’t hold them near his mouth because I cooked them.
I grit my teeth. It’s one of the many ways he knows he can get on my nerves. I leave the room, determined not to take the bait.
This isn’t my first rodeo. It’s a war I’ve fought a thousand times since I married his father, Matt, 42, who works in marketing, three years ago.
Harry and his sister Sara, 13, are with us half the time – one week on, the next off – and I dread the weeks they are here with all my being.
Soul destroying
Although I adore my own eight-year-old daughter Louise, my only child from a previous relationship who lives with us full-time, being a stepmother is perhaps the worst job on earth.
While Harry loves to say that no one wants me around, Sara has been giving me the silent treatment for months. She hasn’t even said “hello” to me for the entire month of August.
They are rude, noisy, dirty and never clean up after themselves. They don’t even put their plates in the dishwasher and tell me to do it because “it’s a woman’s job”.
They swear loudly around Lousie and the other day I heard Harry call me the C-word to his sister because I asked him to put his shoes in the hallway.
I pretended not to hear it, I didn’t have the strength anymore.
Harry in particular gets really angry, he hit his laptop last month when it took too long to update, that kind of aggression scares me.
And they try to wind me up on purpose. The other day I was sitting on the couch and when I went to the toilet I saw Harry in my place.
It may sound like a small thing, but when it happens repeatedly and you know it’s meant to annoy you, it’s heartbreaking.
I bought myself a special brie as a treat earlier this summer and Harry ate it in one go, right in front of me. And I know he doesn’t like it at all.
I also have special chocolate bars for when I’m on a diet, which I’m allowed to eat once a week. He and Sara will find them and eat them like they’re looking for Easter eggs.
When they leave at the end of the week, the house feels like it breathes a sigh of relief.
We all come with baggage
I realize it can be difficult for teens and pre-teens, but this is not enough.
And the bottom line is that they are not mine. In the beginning I bent over backwards to win them over. Now I keep a polite distance.
I met Matt on a dating site in early 2019. I had been divorced for two years at the time and he had been broken up with for a year.
His wife had cheated on him and wanted him back, but he couldn’t forgive her. I knew from the beginning that he had children and I wasn’t fazed — we all have baggage at our age.
The first time I met the boys was six months into our relationship. We went to the park and Harry said to me, “Why are you here, no one wants you?” Shortly after, he shot a nerf bullet at my head.
The children’s mother kept telling them that I was the reason their parents split up, because she didn’t want to take the blame.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I was naive.
I loved their father and wanted to love his children. They could be sweet and kind and funny to him, so I had hope.
Stepmother
I am a psychotherapist and believed that with time and good communication we could build a good relationship.
I loved their father and wanted to love his children. They could be sweet and kind and funny to him, so I had hope.
Matt and I bought a five-bedroom house near York together in September 2020, and our blended family began.
We’ve decorated the kids’ rooms and I’ve made a big deal about it, but they’ve made it abundantly clear that they hate me and want me out of the picture.
Their mother still doesn’t help. She refuses to acknowledge me when she drops them off and stays outside in her car.
Tried the usual tricks
The first two years they were here, I celebrated their birthdays with great attention, blowing up balloons, decorating the living room and baking huge cakes.
Harry refused to eat the cake and Sara wouldn’t even open the present I bought.
So I’ve given up now.
Matt tries to make peace. Luckily I don’t have to tell him how mean they are to me, he is aware of it.
We’ve tried the usual tricks, like turning off the internet or withholding pocket money, but it makes no difference.
He feels stuck in the middle. We talk about it endlessly and it comes down to me gritting my teeth and moving on.
I don’t want Matt to stop having a relationship with his children. The only positive thing is that they are nice to Louise – otherwise I would have left.
I feel so alone. You feel like a monster when you admit you hate your stepchildren, and there is so little support.
Stepmother
But I’m afraid their rudeness is rubbing off on her; the other day she refused to put her plate in the dishwasher.
I also know that it can’t be fun for Harry and Sara right now, no matter how much I try to hide that I’d rather they weren’t there, they have to sense it. And they didn’t ask for their parents to split up.
I feel so alone. You feel like a monster when you admit you hate your stepchildren, and there is so little support.
The attitude is, “You knew what you were getting into.” I knew what you were getting into, but I don’t think anything can prepare you for reality.
Matt and I have one weekend a month where we don’t have kids, because Louise visits her dad. We go away and reconnect. Despite their best efforts, our relationship is still as strong as ever.
All I can do is imagine what my life will be like when they are grown up and out of the house, and I am looking forward to that.
