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People who are stressed about their finances are often reluctant to talk about money with their romantic partners, even though it could benefit their relationship, new research shows.
People who are worried about bills, feel overwhelmed by overspending or are concerned about managing money may expect a “money talk” to lead to an argument, so they avoid bringing up the topic, a study found. report from researchers at Cornell University and Yale University, published this month in The Journal of Consumer Psychology. However, previous research has shown that communicating about money helps couples spend money more responsibly and manage their debt better.
“They expect conflict, so they choose not to have these conversations at all,” said Emily Garbinsky, an associate professor of marketing and management communications at Cornell’s business school and one of the study’s authors.
Why is it so difficult for some people to talk about money with their partner?
Aja Evans, a financial therapist in New York, said people may feel ashamed that they have money problems. They may worry that talking about such things with their partner will damage their relationship. (Financial therapists try to help clients understand how their emotions and beliefs about money can influence their financial behavior.)
“It’s a defense mechanism,” she said. “But when it comes to financial problems, the more you avoid it, the worse it gets.”
Megan R. Ford, a lecturer and financial therapist at the University of Georgia, says that people from families who have financial problems or where talking about money is not encouraged may not have good examples of how to have productive conversations about finances.
“We each bring our own monetary baggage to a relationship,” she said. “Sometimes it’s a handbag. Sometimes it’s three large suitcases.”
But the more people avoid financial conversations, Dr. Ford added in an email, the more they miss out on opportunities to better understand themselves and their partners.
Brad Klontz, a psychologist and financial planner, said that couples typically have “the talk” about future plans at some point, including whether they want children. “But I don’t think people have that conversation about money,” he said. He likes to encourage clients to think about questions that can help them get to the source of their attitudes, such as, “What are my top three financial goals?” and “What are my most painful and joyful memories about money?”
When it comes to managing money, contradictions often attract people, says Scott Rick, associate professor of marketing at the University of Michigan’s business school, and author of “Tightwads and Spendthrifts: Navigating the Money Minefield in Real Relationships.”
Someone who typically works to a strict budget may initially be charmed by a partner who is less constrained. “It can be charming at first,” Dr. Rick said, “especially for someone who is impressed by carefree extravagance.”
In the long run, however, what is initially fascinating can become irritating, especially if the couple has children and must budget for their needs as well as their own. But generally, each partner can balance out the other’s more extreme tendencies. Dr. Rick said that while he was more willing to splash out, his wife was more cautious about spending.
“I married a tight man,” he said, and that’s a good thing, he said, because it’s a give-and-take for him and his wife. “I let her win on material things, and she lets me win on experiences or vacations,” he said. “You don’t want one person to win all the time. You need those different perspectives.”
The report by Dr. Garbinsky and her colleagues found that the situation around money conversations is not hopeless. Encouraging people to view financial conflicts as “resolvable” rather than “perpetual” — that is, based on fundamental differences in their approaches to managing money — increases the likelihood that they will talk to their partner about finances, the researchers found.
When people see that “financial problems have solutions and that compromises are possible,” Dr. Garbinsky said, “they are more willing to talk to their partner.”
Here are some questions and answers about relationships and money:
Is it better for couples to have joint or separate bank accounts?
Research suggests that pooling funds increases relationship satisfaction, Dr. Garbinsky said. Splitting a bill forces conversations about money. “It helps couples get on the same page,” she said.
Dr. Rick said a joint account helped the couple see all their money as a unit, rather than as individuals. Major expenses, such as rent or a mortgage or car payments, and basic needs such as utilities, should be paid from the joint account. “Laundered all the money through a joint account,” he said. “It’s all ‘our’ money, for high-level decisions.”
But Dr. Rick also suggests that each partner be allocated an amount, kept in a separate account, to cover personal expenses and any bills for which he or she is individually responsible. The amounts don’t have to be equal, he said. If one parent handles childcare, music lessons or children’s sports expenses, that parent would get a larger allocation.
That way, each partner can spend money on a daily basis without feeling like their partner is scrutinizing every purchase. “We need our individual interests and pursuits,” he said.
What’s a good way for couples to talk about money?
If conversations about money feel scary, start practicing making “low-stakes decisions,” says Debra Kaplan, a licensed therapist and author of “Coupleship Inc.: From Financial Conflict to Financial Intimacy.” For example, instead of debating when or where to retire, start with something like how much you want to spend on your next vacation.
“Imagine you’re on a team solving a problem,” she said. “You’re working toward an outcome for the greater good of the team, not ‘what will I lose if I don’t get my way.’”
Dr. Ford suggests that instead of sitting across the table from each other, take a walk outside together when talking about money. The fresh air helps clear your mind. You can walk side by side so you’re not looking directly at each other, which can feel less intimidating.
How often should couples talk about money?
Ms. Evans recommends setting aside time regularly—ideally monthly—to talk about your finances. “I like the ‘money date’ concept,” she said. Topics could include a review of recent expenses or progress toward financial goals. It can be done at home or in a restaurant, if you’re comfortable with that.
