Why the roles of ‘good cops and bad cops’ can leave parents in tears and couples at odds as they try to keep their kids in check, experts reveal

When it comes to parenting, some believe that assigning “good cop – bad cop” roles can help keep kids in line.

But one expert warns that this approach could actually be bad for your relationship – and that finding a “middle ground” could be much more helpful.

A new book, titled Couples as Parents, features interviews with experts on various aspects of raising a child.

One of the chapters focuses on Sophie Corke, a psychotherapist who provides private relationship therapy in London and Surrey.

But one expert has warned that this approach could actually be bad for your relationship – and that finding a ‘middle ground’ could be much more beneficial (Stock Image)

She warns that assigning the roles of ‘good cop’ and ‘bad cop’ can leave parents feeling ‘trapped’, as everyone ‘angrily claims what is ‘best’ for the children’.

“This article is based on my experiences with parents who are ‘good cops and bad cops,’” she wrote.

‘These are couples… whose conflict revolves around their relationship with their child or children.

‘Unlike reasonably well-functioning families, where it is openly acknowledged that one parent or the other is a ‘soft touch’ or parents can alternate points of view, ‘good cop – bad cop’ parents feel trapped in rigid roles… unable to understand the other’s point of view.’

She said the “bad cop,” as she characterizes it, is often the stay-at-home parent who feels obligated to take full responsibility for child care.

This allows the “good cop” parent the freedom to “have all the fun,” she added.

Ms Corke said the arguments that conflicting couples bring to her office often revolve around the tension between setting rules or boundaries for their child and following their child’s wishes.

“The ‘bad cop’ parent may be characterized by the ‘good cop’ parent as overly traditional, strict, or rigid,” she wrote.

She said the “bad cop,” as is typical, is often the stay-at-home parent who feels compelled to take full responsibility for child care (Stock Image)

‘Conversely, the ‘bad cop’ may accuse his/her partner of being a coward for not saying ‘no’ and for spoiling the children.’

She said these roles “often draw on the parent’s own experiences raising their child,” and can also be a way to deal with “deep, unconscious fears about how to be a couple and parents.”

She says couples in this situation should think about the reason for their behavior, have confidence in their parenting skills and try to find a middle ground.

“Couples who become more confident in their ability to parent and at the same time more realistic about it may appreciate each other more,” she concluded.

• ‘Couples as Parents: Explorations in Couple Therapy’, written by Kate Thompson and Damian McCann, will be published on July 18.