Why ‘work incest’ is NEVER good idea and will always fail, according to experts
WITH the rise of working from home culture, more Brits are becoming inadvertent colleagues with their partners.
And if co-working seems to be going well, it might be tempting to join your beau’s company or even go into business with them – but this can be a terrible idea, experts have warned.
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“The reality is that working alongside your partner can blur the boundaries between your work life and personal life,” says relationship expert Jessica Leoni.
“It can lead to emotional fatigue, and without space to recharge as individuals, you may start to feel a little overwhelmed or suffocated.”
Work incest, also known as work-linked romance, is an informal term to describe couples who work together.
The problems that this dynamic can create might seem all too obvious – but when you’re in the throes of love, they’re very easy to ignore.
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“The ‘spark’ in a relationship thrives on novelty, mystery and a bit of healthy distance,” Jessica, of Illicit Encounters, explains.
“When you’re with your partner 24/7, especially in a work context, the mystery can fade and it’s really easy to fall into routine, which can dampen the romantic excitement.
“Seeing your partner constantly in both settings can erode that element of surprise or intrigue.
“Plus, when you’re both sharing the stress of work, it’s easy to focus on deadlines, projects and to-do lists rather than nurturing the romantic connection between you.”
Over 60% of adults have had a workplace romance, but 57% report that these workplace relationships have impacted their ability to do their job, research by Forbes has found.
Fabulous has spoken to psychologists and relationship experts about the dangers of working with your partner, as well as the celebrities have fallen victim to them.
Fortunately, if you have no choice but to be colleagues with your beau, there’s things you can do to prevent things from turning sour…
Ruth & Eamonn
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Presenter couple Ruth Langsford, 64, and Eamonn Holmes, also 64, seemed to have the picture-perfect relationship on camera.
They hosted This Morning together, co-presented a slew of reality shows and even investigated how to add a dollop of spice to their marriage on Eamonn & Ruth’s 7 Year Itch in 2017.
But in May this year, they announced the end of their 14 year marriage and thus the end of their multi-million pound joint brand.
The result? Their split is playing out painfully publicly with Eamonn shacking up with new girlfriend Katie Alexander, 42.
What is Work Incest?
Work Incest, also known as work-linked romance, is an informal term typically used to describe couples who work together – but it’s more complex than that, according to one psychology expert.
“Work incest is something that can actually mean lots of things,” explains Adam Lyons, founder of Ask the Dating Coach. “It doesn’t just mean romance.
“HR departments and even organizational psychology will talk about an incestuous workplace where it’s not just that people form romantic relationships.
“It’s that the entire workplace tends to get everything they need as humans from their workplace. So, the career becomes like a family.
“They get their socialising, they get their emotional support needs, they get their entertainment and they get their romance or sexual needs fulfilled by the same workplace.”
Many companies have policies against workplace relationships as it can become a conflict of interest.
However, an employer cannot ban their staff from having relationships with a colleague, according to the experts at Cartwright King Solicitors.
Banning these relationships would typically be considered an unjustified interference with an employee’s right to private life.
Work incest was investigated by author William L White in 1997, through his book, The Incestuous Workplace: Stress and Distress in the Organizational Family Paperback.
“When we become so intertwined with our partners professionally, it can blur the lines between professional and personal identity, which may put strain on the relationship over time,” explains clinical psychologist Dr Sophie Mort.
“Whether we work with our partner or not, it’s important for us to maintain a strong sense of identity when in a relationship.
“When we’re defined largely by our partner’s presence, it can lead to codependency and prevent our own personal or professional growth.
“It’s unrealistic for our partners to be able to meet all of our social, emotional and in this case, professional needs. But we can thrive when we nurture both the relationship, and our lives outside of it.”
Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt
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Angelina Jolie, 49, and Brad Pitt, 60, met on set when filming 2005 film, Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
Over the course of their 12-year relationship, the couple (famously nicknamed Brangelina) gained a reputation as Hollywood’s most glamorous pairing.
Sadly, Angelina filed for divorce in 2016 on the grounds of irreconcilable differences and the couple were declared legally single in 2019.
Later, Brad sued his ex-wife for selling her share of their winery they both owned to someone else.
“It’s important for us to not take lessons from relationships or situations that we may not fully understand or have all of the details on,” Dr Sophie warns.
“However, mixing our personal relationships with business can be both rewarding and risky, so setting clear boundaries and protections is key.
“It’s important to discuss and agree upon what would happen to the business if the relationship were to end.
“By encouraging open communication and possible outcomes, and also putting agreements in writing, we can provide clarity and protection for both parties.”
Chloe Ferry & Sam Gowland
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Chloe Ferry, 29, and Sam Gowland, also 29, were a Geordie love story after meeting on booze-fuelled show Geordie Shore in 2017.
In October 2018, Sam declared that they had bought a second property on in the Toon together and were planning to snap up a third by Christmas that year.
But after their messy split in 2020, following cheating accusations on both sides, the couple had to divide that property portfolio amongst each other.
“I think the reality is, if you’re in a relationship, especially if you get married, your belongings are automatically tied together anyway,” says Adam Lyons, psychology expert and founder of Ask the Dating Coach.
“So, you should focus on making sure that you have the skills to unwind those situations if something goes wrong.
“Make sure you have contracts in place to protect everybody.
“Something that I like to say is the time to write up a contract with somebody is at the very beginning, when you’re really excited about the project.
“You say: ‘Okay, let’s just assume that one of us doesn’t want to do this in the future, or we both don’t want to do it, or maybe there’s some kind of conflict or one of us gets sick. How does this end?’
“And that is the key to making sure that it works really, really well.”
Courteney Cox & David Arquette
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Acting couple Courteney Cox, 60, and David Arquette, 53, became more than colleagues after starring in 1996 horror film Scream together.
It was love at first sight for David, but not for Courteney, with the actor later confessing that he “had to trick her” into falling in love.
By 1999 they had tied the knot, and they welcomed their first child in June 2004.
But in a 2010 interview, Courteney candidly shared warned that the “things you fall in love with [about someone] will probably become the things that you don’t like”.
Months later, the co-stars-turned-lovers announced they had separated – but wanted it clear that it wasn’t a divorce, just a “trial”.
Around the same time, they had been filming Scream 4 (which hit cinema screens in 2011) and later had to pose for photos on the red carpet together.
The couple officially filed for divorce after 13 years of marriage in June 2012, city irreconcilable differences.
Ant McPartlin & Lisa Armstrong
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Pro dancer and singer Lisa Armstrong, 48, met and married Ant McPartlin, also 48, long before the couple became official colleagues.
After ditching her pop career, she began making a living as a make-up artist on a number of the same shows as Ant.
The couple married in 2006 but announced their divorce in 2018.
Lisa lost her job on Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway in February in 2018 and then was axed as a make-up artist from Britain’s Got Talent in December of that year.
In 2019, Ant returned to screens alongside co-star Dec.
Working with your beau can cause risks for job security, particularly if one of you is an office favourite or operating in senior management, experts warn.
How to Navigate Working with Your Partner
If you met your partner at work and neither of you want to leave the job, there’s steps you can take to ensure boundaries aren’t crossed.
“One thing you can do to make sure working together doesn’t negatively impact your relationship is to create boundaries between your work life and personal life,” relationship expert Jessica Leoni advises.
“Agree on times when ‘work talk’ is off the table, especially during weekends or date nights.
“Something else which is really important is prioritising ‘me time’ – both partners need to have time apart to recharge.
“Whether it’s hobbies, time with friends, or solo activities, maintaining independence helps maintain balance in the relationship.”
She also urged co-working partners to up the ante on communication.
“Communication is also key because without clear communication, small issues can grow into larger conflicts,” she says.
“Establish open, honest dialogue where both partners can express their needs, whether they’re personal or work-related.
“Also, make a conscious effort to nurture the relationship outside of work.
“Scheduling date nights, weekend getaways, or even moments of daily intimacy can make sure the romantic ‘spark’ burns bright.”
Gemma Collins & Arg
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TOWIE legends Gemma Collins, 43, and James Argent (known as Arg), 36, had a public on-off relationship on the iconic reality TV show after he confessed his love for her during The Only Way Is Essexmas in 2017.
They dated until 2020, but their arguments often played out on the national screen.
And to make matters worse, their co-stars were often quick to get involved in any spats.
According to Dr Sophie, constantly hearing colleagues’ opinions on your relationship is bad news for a long-lasting love affair.
“When relationship issues are shared openly in a workplace, it invites external opinions, side-taking and judgements, which can create strain and lead to conflict,” she says.
“Whilst they might have good intentions by offering their advice or thoughts on the relationship, colleagues may add pressure or bias making it difficult for partners to resolve their issues.
“It’s understandable that at times we need to lean on our friends and seek support from them, but involving work colleagues can blur the lines and harm both the relationship and the work environment.”
All is not lost, though.
“While outside noise and opinions can cause relationships to break down, they don’t have to,” Dr Sophie adds.
“Couples who work together can be successful, by prioritising honest and open communication, and resolving conflict between themselves.
“If needed, seeking the support from an unbiased individual, like a couples counsellor, can also help to navigate challenges more effectively.”
Katya & Neil Jones
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Strictly pros Katya, 35, and Neil Jones, 43, were married for six years and together for 11 when they decided to separate in summer 2019.
The dancing duo released a joint statement before the 2019 series began.
It came just ten months after Katya was spotted snogging her dance partner, comedian Seann Walsh.
At the time in October 2018, Katya said: “I can’t apologise enough to everyone who it hurt and involved.
“But, the main thing, me and Neil are absolutely fine and that’s what matters to me the most right now and focusing on my job and doing it as professionally I can.”
And in March, Neil opened up about the betrayal to The Sun columnist Lorraine Kelly, saying: “It was a shock. It was a major shock.
“I appreciated it of course that Katya told me so I found out from her before it appeared.
“Straight away for me I was more worried about Katya because I could see what was going to happen. It was a natural reaction.”
