CLARE FOGES: I used to have two Tinder dates a night, but now apps are useless for finding love

You may not have heard of Killing Kittens, the charmingly named company that organizes sex parties in secret locations, but you may have funded it. During the pandemic it received £170,000 of public money, meaning taxpayers like you and me have coughed up for this whips-and-chains outfit. But that’s a story for another day.

Now Emma Sayle, the owner of Killing Kittens, is once again wheezing to make money. She is launching a dating app called WeAreX. It will be a space, she says, where adults can talk “without shame, guilt or judgment.” Nudge, nudge… Sayle says the site will be a ‘kind of AutoTrader’ for online dating.

Why she wants us to imagine men with greasy fingers shaking their heads at the state of your old banger baffles me, but maybe she wants to conjure up an app that facilitates the transaction of sex as easily as AutoTrader handles the transaction of cars . Vital statistics: 36; 28; 38. Seductive curves. Full maintenance history. Wink, wink…

Maybe the idea of ​​an AutoTrader for dating is meant to make us feel excited. Perhaps some are happy to be freed from old conventions, such as getting to know someone for more than five minutes before discussing sexual preferences.

But for me, a new app on the dating block brings a sigh — and not the ecstatic kind. Another? Doesn’t the dating app scene feel long past its sell-by date?

There was a time when I loved the apps. Rewind a decade and you would have seen me staring at my phone and swiping away. Nice smile, 6 feet tall, teacher… swipe right. Eyes like a serial killer, wears berets, can’t spell… swipe left.

A friend got tired of seeing me mope around after a breakup and in 2013 he secretly created a profile on Guardian Soulmates, where intellectual men listed their interests in Bob Dylan, red wine and Scandinavian philosophers I’d never heard of. had heard. While that didn’t lead to dates, it was the gateway to more addictive apps like Tinder, Bumble and Hinge.

As a hardworking person, I loved that I wasn’t just waiting around hoping to meet someone; I grabbed my love life by the gizzard. And get it, I did! Soon I was fitting in multiple dates a week. Swipe, swipe, wipe: poets and bankers, gardeners and construction workers, lawyers and comedians.

Some nights I would “double up” on dates, meeting one guy at six for drinks and the other at eight for dinner. After all, it was a “numbers game,” as I preached in my new role as ambassador for the World Of Dating Apps: “You have to put in the hours, meet as many people as possible, and eventually you’ll meet one you like.” ‘

Simple, as the meerkat says. Only after a few years I realized that it wasn’t that easy. Because while most men were nice enough, that elusive thing called chemistry was rarely present.

The real attraction is a funny old beast. The person across a busy room may be a little cross-eyed, cross-eyed, nerdy, wildly arrogant, not your type – but somehow you’re drawn to them. I missed that strange twist of the heart that happens in real life. I was tired of feeling like I was being interviewed for the role of girlfriend; a man I met at a London members club told me it would be healthy if we revealed our ‘baggage’ at the beginning. “But…but…during our first drink?” I stuttered.

There was a four month relationship with a very nice guy but we weren’t compatible in any way, I just wanted to escape online dating for a while.

After a few years, I quit the apps, stopped scanning the digital horizon, and soon after started dating my husband (a friend I’d known since I was 18).

While I didn’t have much luck with dating apps, it seems like these were the glory days for online romance.

A few years ago, a male friend complained about his single status and said he couldn’t worry about being an app administrator. ‘I do it!’ I said happily, creating a Tinder account in his name and nostalgically swiping the screen with my thumb (just like riding a bike). But – what was this? Almost every profile showed a woman of stunning beauty, a parade of Eastern European supermodels. “Yes, they are all fake profiles,” my friend said. Another friend tells me the levels of “ghosting” are epic: “We message for weeks, but they never actually want to meet.”

Of course, dating apps can lead to a happy life. I threw confetti at a few of them. But I can’t help but think that for many this is a treadmill that doesn’t take you any further.

Tinder’s user numbers have fallen, while Bumble shares have fallen. It seems we’re falling in love with dating apps. They promise an easy path to love, but who says these things should be easy?

Clumsiness, risk and rejection are all part of the game. The effort involved in flirting in real life may be greater, but the rewards usually are.

Farage gets my jungle vote

A genius move from I’m A Celebrity bosses to land Nigel Farage, the ultimate Marmite politician. Those who love him will tune in to hear his pearls of wisdom, those who hate him will watch as he eats the kangaroo anus.

Long ago, Farage and I left a fancy banquet to take a cigarette break on the sidewalk. Despite our political differences, he was a lot of fun.

ITV’s rumored £1million offer will look like a bargain when millions more viewers tune in. I will definitely be one of them.

I applaud Jen for grieving in silence

Social media tributes to Matthew Perry continue to pour in from everyone who ever met him. I’m waiting to hear from someone who sold him a sandwich 17 years ago.

So kudos to Jennifer Aniston, the Friend who was there for Perry during his addiction struggles, and who – apart from a joint statement with the cast – has maintained a dignified silence.

As Storm Ciaran prepares to do its worst, footage emerges of a couple being swept off a wall and into a raging sea. Luckily they were saved – but how could they be so stupid? If you walk along the sea wall in wind force 9, you run the risk of being swept into the sea. Don’t these thrill seekers know that they are not only risking their own lives, but also the lives of the people who will try to save them?

Surprise! The nepobabies make money

The rich list of 30 and under includes many famous surnames: Brooklyn Beckham, Lila Moss, Gabriel Jagger… not to undermine their hard work, but the list rather depressingly proves the old adage: it’s not what you know , but WHO.