DEAR JANE: My mother groomed me to be my brother’s keeper – he treats me like his servant and I don’t know how to escape this abusive situation

Dear Jane,

My mother spent years preparing me to become my brother’s “pseudo-mother” after she died, and I find it very difficult to carry the burden of this job – which I never wanted in the first place.

My brother is seven years older than me and has been bullying me for years. As we were growing up, he attacked me physically and verbally, and the insults continued into my 40s, although he stopped the physical torment when we reached our teenage years.

But throughout our childhood, my mother insisted that I had to be a better sister to him. That I had to make sure he was taken care of – and that she let me cook and clean with her, because she said it was our responsibility to take care of the “men of the house.”

As we got older and moved out of our parents’ house, we would go back for dinner once a week and it would be the same. My mother and I cook, my brother and father sit and watch TV.

When my father passed away, my mother focused all her energy – and mine – on my brother, insisting that I offer to pick up groceries for him, that I pick up his dry cleaning… and for whatever damn reason I have done .

A few years ago our mother became ill, and it was I who took on all the responsibility of arranging her care, resolving issues with her health insurance, and making sure she had a nurse to care for her when I couldn’t .

When she died, he moved into her house – which she left to both of us in her will. But he refuses to take care of it or maintain it, insisting that that is my job.

It stinks of damp, the floors are filthy, there are leaks in the roof… and he does nothing about it, just tells me to hire professionals to get in. He also told me to make myself available to clean it for him. once a week because “we both own it.”

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I told him I will pay 50/50 for the cost of having the more serious damage repaired, but he refused. He has also refused to help clear out our mother’s things, cruelly saying that if he dies, I can clear out her things and his at once, which is just too depressing a thought to manage.

I already take care of paying his utility bills and arranging his insurance, and I’m at my limit with what else I can do.

I feel the weight of this obligation every day – but I would feel so guilty if I just stopped doing all the things I do because I really don’t know if he would succeed?

I don’t know what to do.

By,

My brother’s keeper

Dear guardian of my brother,

We don’t live in the 1950s anymore, and unless your brother has a disability that requires a significant amount of assistance, you should quit your job as your brother’s indentured servant.

I know how hard this is because, as you say, you are trained. But your teaching was wrong, and you have no responsibility to care for and pay for a grown man who—unless something is missing from your letter—is perfectly capable of taking care of himself.

He can tell you he isn’t. You may think he isn’t, but what you do to carry on your mother’s tradition enables him; he can stay a kid, let the women in his life pay for him and do everything for him, as long as you keep doing that.

If he really isn’t able to care for himself, and it’s unclear why that’s the case other than the fact that people have always done it for him, then the two of you can find a part-time caregiver who can help cover the costs. pay. bills and taking care of household things.

Not only are you giving up your life for him, you’re keeping him from living a full life.

Please find a therapist who can work through these issues, to get to the core of this codependency, to give you the tools to live a full life of your own.