Day 4: Identify your ‘Energy Vampires’ and ‘Chaotic Friends’

This is day 4 of the 6-day Energy Challenge. To start at the beginning, click here.

I once had a friend who completely undermined me. When we met for dinner, she would complain non-stop – about the food, her boyfriend, the boss she couldn’t stand. As soon as the bill came, she asked how I was doing, barely listened and then packed her things to leave. Afterwards I felt like a husk.

We’ve all been in relationships that felt draining and lifted our spirits, says Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.” And we’re often so used to the roles we play that we don’t think about how these relationships make us feel, she said.

But we should. Research shows that relationships have a significantly positive effect on our health. Strong friendships can lower our blood pressure, protect us from depression, and help us live longer, while friendships about which we are ambivalent can. increase our blood pressure and cause concern. (This could be the “chaotic friend,” said Tawwab, who is always caught up in some kind of drama.)

Today we’re going to identify our “energy vampires” as well as the friends who restore us. We even sought some advice from Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King, who have been best friends for about 47 years.

Conduct a friendship audit.

Make a list of your best friends. Then, using the following cues from Tawwab, take notes on the energy your friends provide:

• Who are you looking forward to spending time with?

• Who makes you feel elevated and understood?

• Who, if anyone, do you consistently delay or fear responding to?

• Who often makes you feel so irritated, excited, or tired that you have to recover after seeing them?

• Who ensures that you are regularly sidelined during conversations because you are not involved?

If the last three questions think of a specific friend, that person may be an energy vampire.

Take stock of your findings.

Once you’ve discovered a few energy vampires—not a clinical term, by the way—you need to determine whether those friendships are worth keeping, says Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at Northwestern University’s Family Institute and the author of “Loving Every Day.” .

Be honest about what you get out of the friendship, Dr. Solomon said. She recommended asking yourself: What first attracted me to this person? And what keeps me coming back?

“It may be that you really enjoy being drama-adjacent,” said Dr. Solomon. “Or maybe there are hidden benefits to you from this friendship, such as access to other people or opportunities.”

In some cases, you may decide that the friendship is not worth continuing. When I talked to Winfrey and King about their friendship, Winfrey was given the following advice: You’re with the wrong friend, if you’re around someone who makes you feel less than 100 percent yourself, if you’re around someone which makes you feel like you are yourself. You can’t shine or say what you want to say.” (They had too much to say to fit here, so I wrote another column about it.)

Discover ways to make draining friendships healthier.

Switch to an activity. Instead of feeling “trapped and helpless while someone goes on and on,” suggest an activity, such as going to an art museum, Dr. Solomon suggested. You can even invite someone else who can help you change the conversation, she said.

Look for the positives. If you have a shared history, focus on its benefits, such as the opportunity to reminisce, Dr. Solomon said. “When you interact with your 19-year-old self when you are with that friend, tell yourself that their annoying habit is the entrance fee you pay for access to your own history, your own memories.”

Set boundaries. If the vampire is a co-worker or someone you see every day, try to limit contact if possible. Maybe tell them you can only talk for ten minutes, Tawwab said. If it’s a friend who always calls or texts with drama, you don’t have to answer, she said; emotionally draining people “don’t need a pass into your life.”

Prioritize friends who give you energy.

If you have friends on your list who fill you up, schedule some time with them. (And if you feel like you don’t have friends who make you feel good, here are some ways to make new ones.)

The plans don’t have to be extensive, Tawwab said. If you live nearby, just hang out. If you live in different places, plan a phone date or a “watching party” where you watch a movie or TV show together.

Most importantly, make it a habit, Tawwab said. Set reminders on your calendar, as often as you can, to spend time with energetic friends—the ones who make you feel good all the time, rather than just occasionally.

Or, as Winfrey and King put it, the friends who are not only willing to ride with you in the limo, but also willing to go with you if the limo breaks down.

This Friday, from 11 a.m. to noon Eastern Time, I’ll answer your questions in real time. What were your favorite parts of the Challenge? What surprised you? What motivated you? You can ask questions in the comments section of our 6-Day Energy Challenge homepage.

Oprah and Gayle lift each other up.

Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King told us what energizes their friendship, what they love about each other, and the time Winfrey came to visit King’s new baby wearing a T-shirt that read, “Spouses come and go.” Best friends last forever.” (Which, King noted, turned out to be “pretty prophetic.”)

Watch the interview: Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King discuss their friendship