The silent thrill of keeping a secret

When your partner gets down on one knee to propose, or you get the call with the job offer you’ve been longing for, you might be tempted to shout it from the rooftops. But new research shows that keeping positive secrets to yourself can have an “energetic” effect.

The studypublished in the November issue of The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Attitudes and Social Cognition, included five experiments with a total of 2,800 participants between the ages of 18 and 78.

In one experiment, participants were given a list of 38 types of positive personal news, such as a new romance, an upcoming trip, or the opportunity to pay off some debt. On average, people reported experiencing about fifteen things on that list, five to six of which they had not told anyone about.

Participants were then randomly assigned to think about an experience they had talked about with others or an experience they were currently keeping secret. Those who reflected on the secret good news reported feeling much more “energized” than those who reflected on the good news they had already shared.

“It’s not energy in the sense of, you know, ‘I just had coffee,’” says Michael Slepian, an associate professor of business administration at Columbia University, author of “The Secret Life of Secrets” and lead researcher on the study. . Instead, he described it as a kind of “psychological energy,” more like the feeling you get when you’re deeply involved in something.

The research nuances our understanding of the science of secrets, which until now has focused on the harmful effects, says Andreas Wismeijer, a psychology lecturer at Tilburg University in the Netherlands, who has also studied secrets (but did not contribute to the new paper worked). .

“If you keep information secret simply because you want to,” he said, “and your choice reflects your personal values ​​and beliefs, this research shows that it can actually be useful.”

Not all secrets are created equal.

Many people keep secrets because they fear the negative consequences of sharing them, Dr. Wismeijer and Dr. Slepian said, and the damage appears to come from ruminating on them.

Negative secrets — such as a lie you’re hiding or a moment when you betrayed someone’s trust — tend to exhaust us, Dr. Slepian said. In a prior studyhe found that people dealing with an important secret believed that hills were steeper and believed that physical tasks required more effort, as if the secret was weighing them down and draining their energy. There have been negative secrets too linked to anxiety and relationship problems.

However, positive secrets do not seem to have this effect. On the contrary, people seem enlivened by it. One factor could be that people often have different motivations for keeping good news to themselves.

In another part of Dr.’s most recent research. Slepian asked participants to think about a secret that made them feel good, a secret that made them feel bad, or just a current secret. They were then asked whether they were intrinsically or extrinsically motivated to keep the secret – that is, whether they were forced to do so by personal reasons or by external forces or consequences. Those with positive secrets were much more likely to report that they kept quiet for internal reasons, and not because they felt any external pressure. The research shows that ‘autonomous motivation’ is known to contribute to feelings of vitality.

“You really feel in control of positive secrets,” said Dr. Slepian, “and that may be part of what gives them energy.”

‘Enjoyment’ is important.

Dr. Slepian said his new research should not inspire people to withhold positive news indefinitely, although study participants said keeping a positive secret energized them regardless of whether they planned to share it. (He gave the example of a hobby or pastime that brings you happiness, but that you don’t necessarily want to talk about with others.)

Dr. Slepian believed the findings fit nicely with research on “enjoyment,” which has found that appreciating everyday pleasures – like what the air smells like when you step out the front door – can help bring joy and improve your mindset. Taking extra time to dwell on a happy secret that you eventually want to reveal – such as a desired pregnancy or an exciting life change – can have similar effects.

Dr. Slepian gave the example of giving someone a gift. Of course, you can pick something out without much thought and hand it over right away. Or you can spend some time thinking about what the best gift would be and imagining the person’s joy. You can wrap the gift to extend the secrecy, even if only for a few seconds, and to increase the sense of ritual.

“Positive events tend to flow into each other,” said Dr. Slepian. “One way to break out of that a little bit and tap into the positive experiences we all have is to just spend a little more time with them, think about them, think about them and enjoy them.”

Keeping a positive secret, he said, “is like turning that process up to 11.”