These books will make your relationship stronger
There is evidence that strong relationships are crucial to our happiness and well-being. But getting along with others is complicated, and maintaining healthy romantic partnerships can be especially challenging.
Therapy can help couples explore “the dance, the pattern, the cycle, the choreography” of their relationship, but it’s not accessible to everyone, says Alexandra Solomon, professor of psychology at Northwestern University and host of the podcast “Reimagining Love ”. Books often serve as an informal “training program” that helps partners learn new skills or gain different perspectives, she added.
We asked 14 psychologists, counselors and therapists for book recommendations that can help nourish relationships. These seven titles rose to the top of the list.
1. “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Nation’s Leading Relationship Expert,” by John Gottman and Nan Silver
Recommended by several therapists we interviewed: “The Seven Principles to Make Marriage Work” offers practical tips to strengthen relationships, from “turning toward each other” to overcoming gridlock (what happens when couples get stuck over one disagreement ).
Dr. Gottman and his wife Julie Gottman have been researching what makes couples work for decades. In this book, he and his co-author, Ms. Silver, unpack research into “couples who survive and couples who don’t,” says Jodie Milton, a relationship coach (trained in the Gottman Method) from Portugal. The resulting advice is rooted in these findings, she said.
2. “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life,” by Emily Nagoski
Misconceptions about low libido can cause “a lot of conflict in relationships and a lot of shame for women,” Ms. Milton said. But “Come as You Are” delves into the science of sex, arguing “that there is no such thing as sex drive,” she said. Instead, Dr. claims Nagoski that humans have a brake and an accelerator, and these mechanisms cause arousal.
Amy Julia Cheyfitz, a sex therapist based in the DC area, said the book “normalizes the variety of ways we have sex.”
3. “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love,” by Sue Johnson
Dr. Johnson is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, an approach that focuses on strengthening the emotional bond between partners. In “Hold Me Tight,” she deftly explores how people in relationships can struggle to maintain connection, says Jean Fitzpatrick, a psychotherapist and marriage counselor. in New York City.
“Without blaming anyone,” the book helps partners “recognize their patterns and learn to create more fulfilling and loving interactions,” says Allen Sabey, clinical assistant professor and faculty member at The Family Institute at Northwestern University.
4. “Putting the Affair Behind: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On – Together or Apart,” by Douglas Snyder, Donald Baucom, and Kristina Coop Gordon
“Getting Past the Affair” provides a framework that “helps couples slow down” and decide how to move forward after infidelity, said Adam Fisher, an assistant clinical professor at Brigham Young University who teaches a course called “Relational Intelligence: Building Healthy and Sustainable Connections.” The text defuses some of the chaos couples face, he said, by dividing the aftermath of a betrayal into stages.
A word of caution: The book offers practical tools for couples dealing with an affair, but it’s often “best if a couple also seeks a professional if there is infidelity in a relationship,” Dr. Milton said, “because it is quite a challenge to heal and process.”
5. “We: Moving Beyond You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship,” by Terrence Real
In ‘Us’, Mr. Real, a family therapist who has worked with couples for more than thirty years, explains how we must move away from our culture of individualism to form healthy relationships. He also “points out how childhood patterns emerge in this moment and encourages responsibility,” said Dr. Sabey.
While the book looks at both partners in a relationship and presents examples of how real couples have overcome obstacles using these skills: “Terry has a way of talking to men that is both gentle and firm – there aren’t many places to to hide.” said Doctor Solomon. “He holds the reader’s feet to the fire in a way that is absolutely essential.”
6. “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence,” by Esther Perel
In ‘Mating in Captivity’ Esther Perel, therapist and host of the podcast ‘Where Should We Begin?’ describes how domestic partnership affects lust. Dr. Solomon recommends it to couples at any stage of a relationship, although she says Ms. Perel “has a special eye for couples raising their families.”
The book helps readers “honor the complexities that come with fulfilling all these roles — lovers and partners and parents and employees,” as well as the challenges a couple might have as they move between them, said Dr. Solomon. It “will not provide easy answers, but will give words to the complexity we feel and why we feel alone,” she added.
7. “All About Love: New Visions,” by bell hooks
In All About Love, bell hooks, a groundbreaking feminist scholar and author of more than thirty books, explores what it means to truly love someone. (“The word ‘love’ is usually defined as a noun,” she writes, “but we would all love better if we used it as a verb.”)
Callisto Adams, a dating and relationship coach, recommends the book to couples struggling with mismatched or “false expectations” because it challenges traditional “perceptions of love,” she said.
While this book isn’t a guide full of tips, it is “quite moving and thoughtful,” Dr. Sabey said. “It illuminates, comforts and confronts.”
Hope Reese is a journalist who writes for Vox, Shondaland, The Atlantic and other publications. Her book ‘The Women Are Not Fine’ will be published in 2025.