8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner, According to Therapists
A friend of mine, a relationship therapist, came to see me after a long week. She collapsed on my couch, closed her eyes and said, “Do you know what phrase I would like to ban from couples? ‘I never said that.'”
It was a sentence, my friend told me, that she heard almost every week. And once someone said it, the entire session usually devolved into an argument about what that person did or didn’t say.
This made me think about other phrases that therapists wish couples would stop saying during conflict.
These are their candidates, why we should avoid them and what we should say instead.
Generalizations
‘You always…’ and ‘You never…’ These terms are often exaggerated and don’t recognize the efforts your partner is trying to make, says Kier Gaines, a licensed therapist who works with individuals and couples in Washington, DC.
And your partner may become defensive, he added: “So you’re not even having a problem-solving conversation anymore.” You just go into full-blown argument mode.”
Instead of delving into the past, try to stay in the present. “When you go back in history, the conversation changes to something else,” Gaines said. Focus on the problem at hand, he added. (You might say: I notice that you don’t help clean up after the kids; this is why it bothers me.)
Deflections
“Yes but …” Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at Northwestern University’s Family Institute and author of “Love Every Day,” said she hears this phrase all the time. A The person will express a concern, and the other person will agree – and then add a caveat. (“You were ten minutes late,” one might say. The other might reply, “Yes, but you were late last week.”)
The use of the word “but” implies that “it was a bit perfunctory of me to honor your concern, but actually I don’t understand it and I can’t validate it,” said Dr. Solomon.
Instead of defending yourself, she said, reflect your partner’s words and feelings. Try saying something like, “What I’m hearing from you is…”
Comparisons
“You should be more like _____.” Comparing your partner to someone else is “never a great strategy,” Gaines said.
“I see it a lot: ‘Well, Danny takes his wife on dates three times a month,’” he continued. “Danny is a different person. His partner is a different person. You can only be who you are.”
Playing the comparison game can lead to jealousy, Gaines said, and “cause a lot of self-image, self-confidence and self-esteem issues within a relationship.”
“This was never a problem in my other relationships.” This verbal bombshell “really destroys the trust and security you have with your partner,” says Wonbin Jung, a Silicon Valley therapist who specializes in treating LGBTQ couples. “The hidden message I hear as a therapist is, ‘The problem we have in this relationship is because of you.’”
Keep other people out of it, Gaines said, and focus on talking about your own needs. This may make you feel more vulnerable, but it is much more productive.
Dismissed
“You’re exaggerating.” No one is “the actuary of emotional responses,” Dr. Solomon said. One person can’t determine what responses are appropriate, she said, adding that the phrase is often used to avoid responsibility.
Instead of judging, Dr. Solomon said, you can say, “Okay, I’m listening. Tell me more. Help me understand what you’re struggling with.”
“Take it easy.” Encourage your partner to take it easy almost always has the opposite effect, said Dr. Jung. “It’s like oil in a fire. This also applies to: ‘You’re crazy.’
If one partner, or both, is irritated, Dr. Jung them usually to take a short break and cool down.
Or, said Dr. Jung, you can ask your partner, “What do you need now?” (Maybe it’s to be helped, heard, or hugged.)
“It’s not that big of a deal.” Saying that one of your partner’s concerns isn’t serious is belittling and inaccurate, Gaines said. “You can’t measure how something feels to someone else,” he added. “You have no frame of reference. You can’t call.”
Instead, Gaines said, respectfully acknowledge that you have different perspectives. Then ask your partner to help you understand why an issue is important, and offer whatever support you can.
Gaines told me that his wife, Noémie, is neat and organized, while he is not. One time, he said, he left a crispy bowl of oatmeal in her newly cleaned sink; she jokingly accused him of “trying to destroy” her.
My husband and I have a similar dynamic. After hearing Noémie’s line, I used it on my husband when he left a tantalizing pile of his cycling clothes on the floor.
“You always make me laugh,” he said. (That’s the good kind of “you always.”)
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