Over 60, single and never happier
Joy Lorton, 80, has been married and divorced four times.
“I grew up in the 1950s and 1960s, when everyone had to get married and have children, so that's what I did,” said Ms. Lorton, who lives in Olympia, Washington, and has three daughters, seven grandchildren and one child. group of great-grandchildren.
But each of her marriages was marred by a different kind of dysfunction, and since her last divorce in 2001, she has been devoutly and joyfully single. “It all goes back to the same word: freedom,” Ms. Lorton said.
Now she chooses who she wants to spend time with. And that couldn't mean anyone at all: “I really love my own company,” Ms. Lorton said.
All around 30 percent of adults in the United States, those over 50 are single, according to a 2022 Pew survey, and despite the stigma surrounding both singleness and advanced age, many enjoy being on their own. Older singles were less likely than their younger counterparts to say they wanted to date or seek a romantic relationship, and research suggests People's satisfaction with being single increases in middle age.
“People in their 60s and older who are single and thriving is an untold story,” says Bella DePaulo, a social scientist who studies the lives of single people (and is a single 70-year-old herself). “And it's a feel-good story that breaks all our stereotypes.”
Getting to know you.
Dr. DePaulo said a big difference between being single when you're 60 or older and being single when you're younger is the self-awareness and confidence that comes with age. There is research that suggests that self-confidence peaks between 60 and 70 years.
“When you're older, you really feel like, 'I have to live my best life now,'” says Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist and author of “How to be Single and Happy.” People who have been single for long periods of time have the benefit of experience and hindsight to show them that it is just as possible to experience joy and peace even without a partner, she added.
Experience has certainly been a teacher for Kamran Afary, 66, who grew up in Iran and moved to the United States at age 16. the patriarchal society he grew up in, and then the 'oppressive' relationship expectations. He chafed at the idea that if you and your partner couldn't meet each other's needs 100 percent, “you were a failure.”
Yet Mr. Afary engaged in monogamous relationships for years. But as he got to know himself better, his sense of what he wanted changed. In his late fifties, he came out as queer. Mr. Afary, a professor of communication studies who lives in Los Angeles, also began reading more cultural criticism and research on singleness, such as that of Dr. DePaulo.
“I think identifying as queer opened the door for me to be more open, to explore more,” Mr. Afary said. In retrospect, he thinks he's been attracted to the single life for decades, but I just didn't have the language, and I was still pressured by all these social expectations that maybe I should be open to a couple. But I don't feel that way anymore.”
Dr. DePaulo said this is a theme that often comes up in her work: People feel much freer to embrace single life when there's less outside pressure to settle down — especially when parenthood is off the table.
“All those people who may have harassed you because you're not married, or who act like there's something wrong with you because you're single, have largely abandoned it by the time you get to your later years,” she said. she.
Seek other forms of connection.
Although he has embraced his singleness wholeheartedly, Mr Afary is not naive about the practical challenges he may face without a partner. He is the primary caregiver for his mother, who is in her 90s, and he knows he may not have anyone to care for him as he gets older. (He noted how fortunate he feels to have a retirement plan that makes a senior care facility financially viable.)
But he doesn't fear the loneliness or isolation that plagues so many older Americans, as he has learned to develop “very loving, intimate” platonic relationships with various friends and colleagues.
These relationships, according to Dr. DePaulo, another untold story about being single later in life: “They put more into their friendships, and they get more out of their friendships,” she said. Although singleness in general is often understudied, there is some research to support this idea. a small study from 2021 that focused on college students found that those who were single tended to invest more in their friendships.
Jettie McCollough, 68, was married for 28 years but is now living “an incredibly joyful single life.” She dabbles in online dating, but recently deleted her accounts with eHarmony and Green Singles after asking herself, “Why am I on this stupid dating site?” (Her experience is not unique. Women over 50 are the most likely demographic to describe their online dating experiences as somewhat or very negative, a Pew survey found.)
Instead of feeling lonely, she has realized that “there is so much connection available in the larger world,” says Ms. McCollough, who lives in Ludlow, Massachusetts. When winter storms hit, her neighbors text to see if she needs anything. She volunteers at a local school. She is in a running club and has a YouTube channel where she jumps rope to Taylor Swift songs.
But she also enjoys the quiet moments when they occur. And after decades of being married and raising four sons, “I love my alone time,” she said. “I cherish it.”
That includes Ms. Lorton, who went to college and earned her bachelor's degree at age 51. She retired in 2010 after working as a legal assistant for 30 years, and now spends much of her time taking grandchildren to and from school and various extracurricular activities.
Every now and then she feels a pang of loneliness when she returns home to her quiet house after a family gathering. But Ms Lorton has “absolutely, absolutely no interest” in looking for love again.
“Being single not only gives me the freedom to make my own life choices,” she said, “it also gives me the peace that I believe I have always longed for.”