Soapwatch with JACI STEPHEN: Wedding Belle's big day ends in tears

EMMERDALE

Soapland is not progressive when it comes to women choosing not to take their husband's last name.

Barely has the confetti had time to land outside the church when the credits roll and reveal the woman's new name.

So you can imagine how disappointed Tom is when Belle says she has no intention of becoming Mrs. King. Despite offering a reasonable explanation (most people named King end up dead, perhaps?), her decision clearly upsets Tom, and she eventually relents.

There's even more sulking on Tom's part when he storms off after Belle complains about her parents' absence, pointing out that his won't be there either. Aww, diddums.

On the big day, Belle still hasn't heard from her loved one and so she has no idea whether the wedding will still go ahead. Didn't I tell you last week that she should have stuck with the cardboard cutout?

Anyway, Tom finally confirms that the wedding is going ahead (so magnanimous. Not. Arranging a board meeting couldn't be less inspiring), but then there's another spanner in the works.

Well, the entire wrench rack at B&Q to be precise. What's his problem now? He is not happy with the oddities in the Dingles' behavior. Duh! Serious? Did you just notice that the entire Dingle clan makes Fraggle Rock look like Bridgerton?

The merry affair continues, but Tom is once again displeased when the Dingles continue their rowdy antics at the reception and he is furious that they have ruined the day.

Belle, you have to get out of there. Fast. I'd stay far away from that cake cutting knife if I were you; the engravers are probably already in discussions with local masons about your gravestone.

But by far the biggest excitement of the wedding reception is Ruby, who interrupts to tell everyone that Caleb and Tracy have been busy. Damn. Talk about putting the bride front and center.

Meanwhile, the police show up at the cottage and arrest Rhona for kidnapping. If only they had been so diligent when a serial killer was on the loose.

CORONATION STREET

Bullying at school is a major problem for the younger generation, but give it a chance, Corrie. We already have Paul's motor neurone disease, Simon's drinking problem, Joseph's Lyme disease, Ed's gambling addiction – please, lighten the load! Give us more scenes with Brian (where has he gone?), George, Todd, Mary, Tim, Sally – not just the best characters but the best actors.

School bullying is the latest problem on Coronation Street as Maria discovers Liam (pictured) is researching ways to commit suicide

Unfortunately, the misery is relentless when Maria finds out that Liam has been exploring ways to commit suicide. Someone needs to get a handle on this. I laughed more watching Hamlet. And feel sorry for poor Mrs Crawshaw, who seems to be the only staff member at the school.

Maybe we'll get some relief from Tommy, who I suspect ends up servicing all the local ladies, resulting in one big blowout when they discover he's sown more wild oats than a Quaker factory. But I just don't believe the Tracy affair; her marital dissatisfaction needed more substance before she could convince us that she would jump into bed with Orpie Overalls.

What's going on in Lauren's head?

Corrie's Lauren may be getting closer to Bobby, but given her history, what's really going on in her head? “I think Lauren is very confused,” says Cait Fitton, who plays her. “There's a so-called boyfriend that no one knows about, but there's also Bobby, who brings excitement to her life.” Hmm. He has the gift of gab, but excitement? “Bobby accepts her for who she is and looks for positives instead of negatives.”

OSTENDERS

Johnny and Dean get into an argument about Linda

Okay, we need a recap, not least because Johnny has been recast and is now played by Charlie Suff. He's been away for five years and, in case you need it, he's the son of Mick and Linda, brother of Lee, Nancy and Ollie, half-brother of Frankie and Annie Carter and grandson of others too numerous to mention. Oh yeah, and he's gay.

In EastEnders, Johnny and Dean get into an argument about Linda

So he is shocked to discover Linda's condition and when he hears that Dean is back, he rushes over to confront him. Despite Ben managing to drag Johnny off Dean at Beale's Eels, at closing time Johnny punches Dean (both above) and tells him to leave Linda alone. Be grateful, Daan. Anything that takes your mouth out of the eel-eating action is to be welcomed.

Life doesn't go smoothly for George, who discovers that the only reason his adoptive father came back into his life is because he needs him as a character witness in his trial for a racially motivated murder. George also discovers the truth about his childhood.

Denise's misery continues and, predictably, Jack prefers to be with Stacey on Valentine's Day. Jack – forget her too. With me your life would be so much easier!