During Scott Walker’s fifteen years as a kidnap negotiator, he learned how to get his message across quickly, calmly, and efficiently.

“If I messed up, people could die,” said Walker, a former Scotland Yard detective who helped solve hundreds of cases. And those high stakes, he said, “tended to focus the mind a little bit.”

While asking for a raise, setting your teen’s curfew, or coordinating a visit from the in-laws may not be as fraught, difficult conversations can still trigger anxiety. All successful negotiations require preparation, said Walker, author of the new book “Order Out of Chaos.”

“Negotiation,” he added, “is simply a conversation with a purpose.”

Walker shared his best strategies for reaching compromise during high-stress situations.

Make use of your ‘red center’.

First, identify what Walker’s crisis team called a red center. In kidnapping cases it is a physical command center, but in everyday negotiations it is a state of mind.

Jitters and anxiety can be contagious, Walker said. He writes in his book that he makes sure he approaches each case “grounded, focused and focused, with an agile mind.” Before your conversations, practice deep breathing or anything that helps you feel centered.

And before you negotiate or have a difficult conversation, he said, ask yourself this insightful question: What am I most afraid of losing in this situation? Is it freedom, reputation, money, power?

Going straight to what you fear most, no matter how painful it may be, will increase self-awareness and help you manage any surprising emotions that can derail your conversations, such as frustration, jealousy, or anger.

Watch your tone.

“You always want to approach a negotiation in a friendly, calm manner,” Walker said, because the way you speak can do that make or break a deal.

He prefers to speak face-to-face, by phone or on video, rather than via email or text, which can easily be misinterpreted, he said.

He’s also found that smiling even when you’re on the phone can help keep your tone friendly.

Don’t rush to fill every silence, Walker writes in his book. On his desk is a stress ball with the abbreviation WAIT – which stands for ‘Why am I (still) talking?’ – as a memory.

If you’re dealing with someone who is difficult, Walker suggested reframing that person in your mind as a “worthy opponent” to help you gain a more positive attitude.

Clarity is power.

During negotiations, we are often guided by the need for control, which is a mistake, Walker said. So leave your ego at the door, he said. To get someone else’s cooperation, you must first understand that person’s point of view, beliefs and values ​​by being curious and empathetic, Walker said. Unless the person truly feels understood, “there will always be some pushback.”

Ask open-ended questions and reflect on the person’s answers, Walker said. He recommended using phrases like “Tell me about…” or “What needs to happen before you…”

“Curiosity without shame, guilt and judgment is not easy, but it is a negotiating superpower,” Walker said. “We can only influence someone if we know what already influences him or her.”

If negotiations are stalling, ask yourself these questions.

The ultimate goal is to reach an agreement. But when things get stuck, Walker takes a short break and asks himself some questions.

They include: What can I control or not control? What don’t I see here? And what opportunity am I missing? Those questions, he said, shift our attention from what went wrong to what still has the potential to go right. Then he goes back in there.

Although Walker has had success negotiating with violent criminals, his two teenagers can still throw him off balance. “They know all the tricks in the book,” he said.

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The week in Well

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Let’s keep the conversation going. Follow closely Instagram, or write to us at well_newsletter@nytimes.com. And check out last week’s newsletter about how toddlers can hold the secret to good health.

Yan Mingfu, the son of a Chinese Communist Party spy who became Mao Zedong’s interpreter and a negotiator who tried to defuse the standoff between the party and student protesters who occupied Tiananmen Square in 1989, died in Beijing on Monday. He turned 91.

His daughter, Yan Lan, confirmed the death in a statement in the Chinese magazine Caixin. She did not specify a cause, but Mr. Yan had endured a succession of illnesses at an advanced age.

“Dad passed away peacefully, ending a life of turmoil and drama,” Ms. Yan wrote.

Mr. Yan was thrust into the center of the stage for key moments in China’s Cold War years. He was a Russian-language translator for Mao as he built an alliance with the Soviet Union in the 1950s, and later as the alliance slides into bitter hostility. He accompanied Chinese leaders again in 1989 when the Soviet leader, Mikhail S. Gorbachev, visited Beijing to heal the rift.

But the most dramatic, and perhaps the most painful episode in Mr. Yan concerned the pro-democracy protests that occupied Tiananmen Square in 1989 and the visit of Mr. Gorbachev overshadowed. Mr. Yan became an envoy for the protesters and for Chinese intellectuals who tried to prevent a bloody repression.

“Yan Mingfu remained in the system all his life as a follower of the Communist Party, but at that crucial moment in 1989, his humanity won out for his partisan spirit,” said Wang Dan, a former student leader of the 1989 protests, now the United States. States, wrote in a tribute. “People like him are very rare in the Communist Party.”

Mr. Yan was born in Beijing on November 11, 1931, the youngest of six children. His father, Yan Baohang, was an official of the ruling Nationalist Party secretly joined the rival Communist Party in 1937 and became a clandestine agent. His mother, Gao Sutong, was a housewife.

The family moved from city to city as the Japanese invasion spread across China, Mr. In a memoir published in 2015, Yan settled in the southwestern Chinese city of Chongqing, which became a wartime base for the Nationalists.

Young Mingfu saw mysterious visitors – Communist Party contacts – slip into a room on the second floor of the family home to meet his father.

“Apparently they were playing mahjong,” Mr. Yan wrote in his memoirs. “They even held meetings.”

The family later moved to northeastern China, near the border with the Soviet Union, and Mr. Yan decided to study Russian. After Mao’s Communists took power in 1949, he became an interpreter for government officials. It was an era when China looked to the Soviet Union for inspiration, and Mr. Yan became an interpreter for the Soviet advisers who helped Mao’s government.

In 1955, he married Wu Keliang, a fellow interpreter. She died in 2015. In addition to their daughter, Mrs. Yan, he leaves behind a grandson, according to him a memoir his daughter wrote about her family.

Mr. Yan accompanied Chinese leaders on visits to the Soviet Union, and in 1957 served as Mao’s interpreter during delicate discussions in Moscow as tensions over ideology and foreign policy began to complicate ties between the two countries.

On a hot August day in 1958, Mao and the visiting Soviet leader, Nikita S. Khrushchev, exchanged thoughts while floating in a swimming pool. Mr. Yan and another interpreter circled around the edge of the pool, straining to catch each leader’s words and yelling at the other.

“By the time they finished swimming and climbed out to get dressed,” Mr. Yan recalled, “we were drenched in sweat.”

In the two decades that followed, Mr. Yan was swept along by the growing turmoil of Mao’s revolution and by the government’s growing distrust of officials who maintained close contacts with the Soviet Union. He was thrown into prison in 1967, accused of being a Soviet spy and a traitor.

His wife, Mrs. Wu, also endured harsh interrogations and was exiled to the countryside. The couple and their daughter were reunited when Mr. Yan was released from prison in 1975 as Mao’s Cultural Revolution waned.

In 1989, Mr. Yan was the head of the United Front Department of the Chinese Communist Party, which deals with relations with intellectuals and with ethnic and religious groups.

When student protesters occupied Tiananmen Square to demand democratization and an end to civil service corruption, Mr. Yan sent as a go-between by the reformist party secretary, Zhao Ziyang, who wanted to persuade the students to end a hunger strike and a successful visit to Beijing by Mr. Gorbachev.

Deng Xiaoping, China’s Supreme Leader, Mr. Yan asked to attend the meetings of Mr. Gorbachev. “For many years, Mingfu has always been involved in these Sino-Russian negotiations,” said Mr. Deng according to the memoirs of Mr. Yan. “Let him be there this time too.”

During meetings with student leaders, Mr. Yan to persuade them to break off the hunger strike that had brought political passions to a head. He and other officials also turned to liberal-minded journalists, academics and intellectuals to try to reach an understanding with the protesters.

But hardline party leaders were impatient for confrontation and rejected the possibility of making major concessions. And the fiery, seething pro-democracy movement was not an easy negotiating partner.

Mr. Yan ventured into Tiananmen Square in mid-May to try to win over the demonstrators, many of them collapsed on bedding as they refused to eat and drink. He promised that their demands would be considered and that they would not be accused.

“Seeing you students like this makes me feel deeply, deeply upset,” said Mr. Yan to the crowd, according to Zhou Duo, an intellectual who has been with Mr. Yan in Tiananmen Square. “Your students are full of life and your wishes are well-intentioned.”

He ended with a plea: “If you don’t believe my assurances, you can take me, Yan Mingfu, as a hostage to your school.”

Mr. Zhou wrote that Mr. Yan had shown him that “not all communists come from one monolithic lump of iron”.

Deng pushed aside efforts to find a peaceful way out of the standoff. Less than three weeks later, troops poured into central Beijing and fired into crowds gathered to protest or watch. Hundreds of civilians – or thousands by some estimates – died.

Mr. Yan was demoted. He spent the rest of his career as Deputy Minister of Civil Affairs and then as the chairman of the China Charity Federation, a government-sponsored philanthropic organization.

When he retired, he wrote his memoirs. Reflecting official sensibilities about the discussion at the time, they didn’t hit the 1980s.

As the battle for Bakhmut, a largely destroyed city reportedly killing tens of thousands of soldiers, continues to rage after Ukraine made some gains for the first time in months, world leaders are planning several attempts in the coming days to find new diplomatic avenues to end the war.

Later this week, leaders of the Group of 7 countries – the United States, Japan, Canada, Great Britain, France, Germany and Italy, as well as the European Union – will gather in Hiroshima, Japan, for a weekend of meetings. Russia’s invasion of Ukraine is on the agenda.

“Russia’s aggression against Ukraine is a challenge to the rules-based international order, and the G7 has responded in a united manner.” says the group’s website. “The G7 will continue to advocate strongly for sanctions against Russia and support for Ukraine.”

Here’s what else we’re watching this week:

• China makes a diplomatic push: The Chinese government’s special representative for Eurasian affairs, Li Hui, plans to begin a trip on Monday with visits to Ukraine and Russia as part of an effort to help negotiate an end to the war, a spokesman for China said. the Chinese government last week. Beijing said Mr Li would conduct “in-depth communication with all parties” to try to reach a “political settlement”.

• Grain deal Black Sea: The future of the grain deal that has enabled Ukraine to export millions of tons of grain from its Black Sea ports despite Russian control of the waterways remains uncertain. Russia threatened not to renew the agreement on Thursday. Representatives from Ukraine, Russia, the United Nations and Turkey met in Istanbul last week, but there was no breakthrough on an extension. The parties agreed to continue talking online.

• Raise awareness: Brittney Griner, a center for the Phoenix Mercury, will play her first official game in nearly two years when the 2023 WNBA season kicks off on Friday. She missed the entire 2022 season as she was imprisoned in Russia for nearly 10 months for drug possession. She was released in December after a prisoner exchange. The Mercury and Griner team up with the Bring Our Families Home campaign to support others being held abroad, such as Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich.