How to Negotiate Like a Kidnapping Negotiator
During Scott Walker’s fifteen years as a kidnap negotiator, he learned how to get his message across quickly, calmly, and efficiently.
“If I messed up, people could die,” said Walker, a former Scotland Yard detective who helped solve hundreds of cases. And those high stakes, he said, “tended to focus the mind a little bit.”
While asking for a raise, setting your teen’s curfew, or coordinating a visit from the in-laws may not be as fraught, difficult conversations can still trigger anxiety. All successful negotiations require preparation, said Walker, author of the new book “Order Out of Chaos.”
“Negotiation,” he added, “is simply a conversation with a purpose.”
Walker shared his best strategies for reaching compromise during high-stress situations.
Make use of your ‘red center’.
First, identify what Walker’s crisis team called a red center. In kidnapping cases it is a physical command center, but in everyday negotiations it is a state of mind.
Jitters and anxiety can be contagious, Walker said. He writes in his book that he makes sure he approaches each case “grounded, focused and focused, with an agile mind.” Before your conversations, practice deep breathing or anything that helps you feel centered.
And before you negotiate or have a difficult conversation, he said, ask yourself this insightful question: What am I most afraid of losing in this situation? Is it freedom, reputation, money, power?
Going straight to what you fear most, no matter how painful it may be, will increase self-awareness and help you manage any surprising emotions that can derail your conversations, such as frustration, jealousy, or anger.
Watch your tone.
“You always want to approach a negotiation in a friendly, calm manner,” Walker said, because the way you speak can do that make or break a deal.
He prefers to speak face-to-face, by phone or on video, rather than via email or text, which can easily be misinterpreted, he said.
He’s also found that smiling even when you’re on the phone can help keep your tone friendly.
Don’t rush to fill every silence, Walker writes in his book. On his desk is a stress ball with the abbreviation WAIT – which stands for ‘Why am I (still) talking?’ – as a memory.
If you’re dealing with someone who is difficult, Walker suggested reframing that person in your mind as a “worthy opponent” to help you gain a more positive attitude.
Clarity is power.
During negotiations, we are often guided by the need for control, which is a mistake, Walker said. So leave your ego at the door, he said. To get someone else’s cooperation, you must first understand that person’s point of view, beliefs and values by being curious and empathetic, Walker said. Unless the person truly feels understood, “there will always be some pushback.”
Ask open-ended questions and reflect on the person’s answers, Walker said. He recommended using phrases like “Tell me about…” or “What needs to happen before you…”
“Curiosity without shame, guilt and judgment is not easy, but it is a negotiating superpower,” Walker said. “We can only influence someone if we know what already influences him or her.”
If negotiations are stalling, ask yourself these questions.
The ultimate goal is to reach an agreement. But when things get stuck, Walker takes a short break and asks himself some questions.
They include: What can I control or not control? What don’t I see here? And what opportunity am I missing? Those questions, he said, shift our attention from what went wrong to what still has the potential to go right. Then he goes back in there.
Although Walker has had success negotiating with violent criminals, his two teenagers can still throw him off balance. “They know all the tricks in the book,” he said.
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