A tipsy uncle, a lazy partner… the expert’s guide to defusing festive flashpoints

Ahhh, Christmas. The season of goodwill towards all people. . . Well, all except your brother-in-law, who overdoes it on the sherry and then lies down during lunch.

And your mother, who spoils her grandchildren with expensive gifts, even though you beg her not to. Goodwill towards them is at an all-time low – unlike your blood pressure, which rises just at the thought of it all.

We spoke to six top psychologists, psychotherapists, doctors and coaches – plus a renowned crisis negotiator – for advice on what to do when those dreaded family flames flare up this holiday season.

Conflicts between generations

Nicky Perfect, former deputy head of the Metropolitan Police’s Crisis Negotiation Unit and author of Crisis (£9.99, HQ), says:

As different generations gather at Christmas, I predict arguments over the Middle East conflict and politics, especially as we head into a general election year.

The use of mobile phones is also a perennial practice. Grandma will probably think the kids are too focused on theirs. Set boundaries. You might say to older relatives, “I noticed that mentioning X topic causes tension, so can we stay off that topic for one day?” Don’t blame, just make an observation. When we feel like someone is challenging our beliefs, that emotion you feel only lasts about 90 seconds. So if your adult son talks rudely about your generation, try not to react emotionally for 90 seconds. I have an imaginary pause button that I press when I feel myself getting angry.

‘If that doesn’t work, make a joke about which topics are forbidden, or announce before lunch that you are banning certain discussions. Approach it with humor, but don’t be afraid to tackle it.

Your partner isn’t pulling their weight

Owen O’Kane, psychotherapist and author of How To Be Your Own Therapist (£9.99, HQ), says:

When you are in a partnership, you are not dealing with one set of emotions and reactions, but two. One small thing can bring about something much bigger.

Suppose a man didn’t empty the dishwasher because he didn’t think it was a priority. But his wife may think he is taking her for granted.

Beforehand, calmly say, “It would be very helpful if you could do X, Y, and Z.” Explain why you need that help and why it can become problematic if you don’t get it. We often assume that our partner can read minds, so clarity is key.

Likewise, you should be willing to hear what your partner needs from you. When couples are going through hard times, they tend to go into adversarial mode, but approach hosting as allies so you can make it together and both have a good time.

You bicker with your siblings like teenagers

Therapist Jodie Cariss, founder of Self Space on-demand mental health clinics, says:

Think long and hard about the amount of time you can spend with your extended family. That may mean staying one night instead of two. Let everyone know about your plans and then show up with all the goodwill in the world.

When the teasing starts, think, “How much is this really costing me?” If it’s not a huge amount, don’t cut back. If you feel the cost is too high, take your brother or sister aside and calmly say, “I feel really upset every time you say that.” Start the sentence with “I feel…” instead of an accusatory “You make me feel…”. . .’

If you’re the parent of bickering adult siblings, don’t fall into your old role as referee. Go into the garden with your grandchild. Someone will notice and the fighting will stop.

A family member exaggerates the Baileys

Dr. Gemma Newman, GP and author of Get Well Stay Well (£20, Ebury Press), says:

Try to have a compassionate conversation with the person who is drinking, rather than getting into a confrontation – and do this before Christmas Day, when he or she is sober.

Try saying, “How do you feel about the amount you drink?” This allows them to ask themselves the question and respond. Repeat their response; if it comes from them, they are more likely to consider change.

Have a supply of non-alcoholic options. Caleño is a non-alcoholic rum and Impossibrew is a non-alcoholic beer. Say, “I found these great non-alcoholic drinks. Do you want to come with me?’ And encourage others to try them too, so your family member doesn’t feel left out.

Let everyone go for a walk before sunset. It stops drinking, gives everyone some fresh air and calms the nervous system.

After Christmas, if you feel like their drinking has turned into something problematic, encourage them to seek medical help.

During a divorce, traditional family plans are canceled

Dr. Emma Hepburn, a clinical psychologist and author of A Toolkit For Your Emotions (£14.99, Greenfinch), says:

Every family has its own Christmas traditions and in the event of a divorce you will probably have to change these. You may feel emotional about this, but try to remain calm around your children. Wait until you are not with them to cry, as they can feel very responsible for their parents’ emotions.

You can often predict trigger points in advance and plan accordingly. So if you think they’ll be upset about having to leave you or your ex, make sure you have something fun and positive to do after dad is gone, like opening a special gift.

Have a conversation with your ex, asking how you can do things differently next year? And don’t be too self-critical: things may go wrong, but you can make it better next time.

You have a limited budget, but others are showing their money

Chloe Brotheridge, a coach and author of The Anxiety Solution (£12.99, Michael Joseph), says:

Keep in mind that if someone brags about their vacation or their car, it may be out of insecurity and they don’t mean to make you feel bad. If you can reframe their behavior, it will seem less annoying. These types of conversations can make you feel like you don’t have enough material things, so remember what you do have in your life is great.

You have two options: politely steer the chat to a topic that’s more inclusive – if they’re talking about money, bring up a Netflix show everyone’s seen – or, if you have a close relationship with them, be clear about your limits.

If you suspect they would be dismayed to know that they would upset you by continuing with their fancy trip when you can’t afford a vacation, discreetly tell them how you feel. Say, “Do you mind if we talk about something else?” Holidays are a sore point at the moment.’ It’s not about blaming them, it’s about acknowledging your feelings.