How to apologize like you mean it

Most of us can remember receiving an unsatisfactory apology. A friend of mine recently got a text message after a Bumble date left her saying, “Sry,” it reads. (“He didn't even spell the whole word,” she told me.)

When my child was in kindergarten, an email arrived in my inbox. “Sorry your daughter was bitten,” it said. (The sender's child had done the biting.)

Why is it so hard to apologize? Why are so many of us wrong? Saying you're sorry involves vulnerability, says Lisa Leopold, a researcher who studies apologies.

“We also have to admit our own wrongdoings and our own shortcomings,” she added, “and that requires tremendous humility.”

But it's worth it, Leopold said. a meta-analysis 175 studies found that apologies did indeed influence forgiveness. Other research shows that apologies can benefit both the giver and the receiver by reducing feelings of guilt, promoting self-compassion, and strengthening relationships.

But not all excuses are equal. For a show of contrition to be truly effective, it must be focused on the other person's feelings and needs, not your own, says Karina Schumann, associate professor of social psychology and head of the Conflict Resolution Lab at the University of Pittsburgh who conducts research the subject.

The ingredients of a successful apology can vary, but here are some that many experts agree on.

Show regret.

Don't say, 'I'd like to apologize,' or 'I'd like to apologize,'” Leopold said. “A lot of people use that language,” she explained, but expressing a desire isn't as effective as apologizing. Instead, just say, “I'm sorry,” or “I'm sorry,” she said.

Using an “I” statement strengthens your apology by taking responsibility, Leopold said. For example, “I'm sorry for my outburst this morning” is more effective than saying “that shouldn't have happened.”

Explain it, but keep it short.

Being specific about what you did can help the other person feel understood, says Beth Polin, an associate professor of management at Eastern Kentucky University who studies apologies. But, she added, you should keep it sincere and short.

Skip justifications and excuses, she said, because an apology “shouldn't be about making us feel better or defending our actions.”

And as you explain, Leopold said, avoid conditional words like “but,” which can weaken the apology (“I apologize for the delay, but I had multiple deadlines to meet”).

'If' is another condition that helps us avoid responsibility. 'I apologize if I have offended anyone' implies that there may have been no victims and therefore no wrongdoing,” Leopold said.

Acknowledge the damage you have caused.

Dr. Polin has found in her research that taking ownership is one of the most essential components of an apology. “We think it's really important that someone admits wrongdoing,” she said.

And while it's tempting to say you didn't mean If no harm was to come, Leopold suggested keeping your intentions to yourself. “People don't want to hear these justifications,” she said, “because it dilutes accountability.”

Instead, share exactly how your actions affected or hurt the other person. “This feeling of being understood is another critical factor in forgiveness,” said Dr. Schumann.

Say you'll try not to do it again.

Reassure the person that you will do your best not to repeat the offense, said Dr. Polin, adding that this “builds trust back.”

But this step is often left out of apologies, she explained. “People hope not to repeat an offense, but it can be difficult to put themselves on the line and make such a promise,” she said.

However, it is critical, Dr. Polin said. “If you explicitly say you will try not to do something again, you're looking to the future rather than the past, and it also reduces that nagging doubt,” she said.

Offer to repair.

Combining an apology with a vow to correct the wrongdoing is more likely to lead to forgiveness than the statement alone, Leopold said.

Be specific about how you're going to make it up to the person, said Dr. Polin, adding that you can ask him or her for suggestions.

Don't just tell yourself that the damage has been done, she added. You may not be able to repay in kind, she said, but there is almost always something you can do.

Ask for forgiveness (but let go of expectations).

The final step, said Dr. Polin, is a kind request for forgiveness. She recommended asking a collective question, such as, “How can we get back to where we were before this happened?”

“That invites the other person into that process of rebuilding trust,” she said.

You can say something like, “I hope you forgive me,” but it's important that you don't pressure someone to do that, Dr. Schumann said. “Give them time and space to forgive,” she said.

And let them know that you desire their forgiveness, not because you want to free yourself, she added, but “because you care so much about them.”

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