BEL MOONEY: My divorce has been so painful. But it’s what my friends and family did next that REALLY hurts…

Dear Bel,

For thirty years I was married to a man I considered my soulmate. I moved to America to be with him and he really tried to make our marriage work, even though his family turned against me for reasons beyond my control.

I was angry with them and allowed the situation to fester until I blamed him for all the misfortune they had caused.

We returned to Britain and lived a comfortable life for the next 27 years. I loved my husband very much and was afraid he would leave me and return to America.

He was really kind and generous and told me daily how much he loved me. We really got along in so many ways. I knew how hard life would be on my own, so I kept the status quo. But a few years ago I discovered that he had been having affairs while my father was dying.

After much hesitation, he decided he wanted to leave me – and without financial support, even though he was hiding huge sums of money. Some of this was resolved after legal intervention on my part.

He has now remarried and lives happily in the countryside.

My friends and family have disappointed me in so many ways. My family just told me to leave my ex because they had no idea I had nowhere to go.

Six years after the divorce, I told them all for the first time that I was going through a hard time. The responses were that I had to pull myself together and move on. They said they couldn’t help me because I needed help – which I had already done, without success. They won’t talk about my sadness.

The friends felt that I had changed and became very judgmental and distant after my divorce. They couldn’t handle my emotional upset.

There have been no other opportunities for me to meet people either, and it all feels too late to find happiness. I’ve tried dating sites and meetups, but the whole experience is just hopeless and depressing.

I’m still sad and desperate. How do you start over with so much loss?

LUCY

Bel Mooney replies: You’ve written before and I’m so sorry I missed your email the first time.

But maybe my subconscious was at work there, because I think you will understand that your problem is indeed very difficult to answer.

Readers often tell me that each week they try to think of what they would say in response to a particular problem, but often feel like an answer is impossible.

I understand that feeling, but I believe it benefits us all when we realize how complicated life is. Because your emails

If you imagine a gentle, caring, and understanding person, I suspect you will agree with me that there is no easy solution to a grief like yours.

Your subject line read, “Loss of a soulmate,” but examining your emails, it’s hard to understand the idea of ​​your ex-husband as a “soulmate” — whatever that popular phrase really means.

It sounds like you’ve had a complicated relationship, made much worse by family interference, but I congratulate you for two main reasons.

First, you acknowledge that you played a role in the problems that led to the breakdown of the marriage. Second, you listed all his best qualities to praise the man who hurt you.

This shows generosity and honesty – and I promise you (from long experience) that such qualities are quite rare. So would you please take a moment to think about yourself?

Clearly, your self-esteem is at an all-time low, so it will do you good to reflect on the ways you’ve grown as a person — even as you ruminate on what diminished you when you lost so much.

I realize that the suggestion that you have grown will seem absurd to you when you are so sad and alone. But you’re still suffering a triple loss, and so I suggest a little burst of positive self-love.

When we talk about “loss,” many people seem to think only in terms of grief – and yet the end of a marriage (and with it the painful loss of an entire way of life) can indeed feel like a death. In your case, Lucy, the situation was made much worse by an astonishing lack of sympathy from the very people (family and friends) you needed for support.

‘Dating sites and meet-ups’ haven’t opened up any possibilities for you yet. Note the important word ‘yet’.

But I suspect they disappoint more people than they make happy, so this is what I’m talking about

inevitably mention that you are joining a club (the Ramblers Association is).

a popular with singles) and volunteer work. As cliché as it sounds, they can be excellent ways to meet people.

Another thing to note is the word “people.” Not only men, but also women, who can become good friends.

Your family and old friends could not cope with your ‘sadness’ and ‘upsetness’ – which brings me to an important word of caution. I’m afraid new people might not want to listen to stories of unhappiness either. I’m sorry if that seems difficult, but it’s true.

You’ve revealed good, strong qualities to me in your emails, so make sure you show them to the world too.

Make a commitment to write down one positive thought and/or action every day – and believe that it’s never too late for a new start.

Taken boyfriend teases that she has feelings for me

Dear Bel,

I’m 29 and four years ago my boyfriend introduced me to his sister, who had moved to the same part of the country as us. We became good friends.

She then met someone and he now has a beautiful son and lives near me. My problem is: shortly after meeting the boyfriend, she told me she had feelings for me. Now I can’t stop thinking about her.

The arrival of their child made me feel even worse because I saw what I had been missing. We used to socialize, but nowadays I make excuses because I can’t handle the situation.

Whenever we meet, she tends to bring up the subject, adding that it’s probably best that we just remain friends. It confuses me.

I’ve had a few girlfriends since I met her, but they didn’t last long. I won’t act on my feelings because I never want to be responsible for hurting their son and her boyfriend, who I now consider a good friend.

I know that nothing can happen between us, if I’m completely honest with myself. Even though I know she enjoys my company, I don’t think she cares about me in the way she says she does.

Because of their proximity I often encounter them, which I fear. I feel like I should move, but this would isolate me from my other friends. I need your advice.

MAT

Call Mooney answers: How difficult is it to deal with a ‘what if?’ scenario in our lives: the tempting thought that if only this or that had happened, we could have basked in a glorious happily ever after.

Of course, if you and your girlfriend’s sister had been in a relationship from the beginning, things might still not have worked out. Who knows?

It is very normal to fixate on the unattainable. The fruit that is out of reach looks much shinier and tastier

on its branch than the tired products outside the store.

It’s very easy to see how you fell for her. You became good friends at first and that probably would have seemed like enough.

Maybe she saw you as a second brother at first. But after meeting her current partner, she chose to express her feelings for you. Why not sooner?

Maybe she started comparing the two of you and realized all your great qualities too late. Or maybe the new boyfriend seemed like a better, more stable bet.

Whatever the truth, they had their son pretty quickly – and that in itself worries me. It sounds like she’s a pretty tempestuous young woman, which doesn’t bode well for her relationship.

To be honest, telling you about her feelings behind her back – and now repeating them whenever she has the chance, only to come back and say you should remain good friends… what does that behavior mean?

I suspect many women, like men, would shake their heads and mutter, “Isn’t she more of a tease?” It’s as if she knows full well that she has you in her grasp now, so all she has to do is broach the subject again to tighten the bonds of vague hope that bind you to her.

Some may accuse her of ‘playing around’

you, but not me. She’s not the first person to enjoy that little feeling of power

you see desire, love and lust in someone’s eyes.

I see no other alternative for you than to sit this out, grin and bear it, and play your part as a good partner to both of them – knowing that this will all pass.

I certainly don’t think you should leave just because you’re afraid of running into the couple and their child.

But whatever you do, avoid being that

alone with her. Don’t give her the opportunity to “bring up the subject,” which hurts you.

There are plenty of other women waiting to meet someone like you – and the more this obsession subsides, the more likely you are to have a new relationship that makes you happy.