DEAR JANE: The birth of my son was so traumatic that I gave up sex forever. Every time my husband touches me I cringe and now I’m afraid he wants a divorce

Dear Jane,

This feels very uncomfortable to put into words, but since giving birth to my son 18 months ago, I have been completely horrified by the idea of ​​ever having sex with my husband again.

My husband is a great guy and a great father. It has nothing to do with me not being attracted to him or less in love with him than I have been all these years.

The thing is, my son’s birth was quite traumatic. I experienced extremely severe tearing and bleeding, and my son ended up in the NICU for several weeks. So it probably goes without saying that I was in pretty bad shape after I was finally able to bring my son home.

Over time, the physical wounds have healed, but the mental wounds just won’t go away, and the idea of ​​anything or anyone coming near that part of my body makes me want to throw up. Every time my husband touches me I cringe.

Honestly, the idea of ​​ever having sex again is unfathomable to me.

My husband has been very patient, but I can tell he is really struggling with this whole thing. I can’t blame him – I’d be quite angry if he shuddered in horror every time I touched him – but I don’t know how to explain that I’ve never felt so turned off by physical intimacy in my life.

And I just don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I fear that the birth of our child, which should have been the most beautiful event of our lives, will destroy my marriage forever.

Any advice on how to bring myself back to life?

By,

Postpartum nightmare

Dear Postpartum Nightmare,

What a deeply traumatic experience you had, and what a tribute to the resilience of women that you endured all that pain and fear to create a perfect human being; what a tribute to your resilience!

I’m so sorry your husband is going through a hard time. I’m not sure it’s really possible for any man to fully understand why women are emotionally or physically incapable of having sex, or what it feels like to absolutely, positively, never want to have sex again.

Be gentle with yourself. You’ve been through a lot. Be kind to your husband, because so often men feel that a lack of sex with their partners is an automatic loss of intimacy and connection.

There doesn’t have to be any penetration for either of you to feel that intimacy and connection. There are plenty of other things that can be done, but not before you have dealt with the trauma you have experienced.

I suspect it would be extremely helpful for the two of you to see a health care provider or therapist.

You both need a place where you can be honest about the trauma you’ve experienced, how you feel about your body and sex.

He needs to talk honestly about how it feels for him, whether a lack of sex is making him feel distant from you, and what you can both do about it.

A good professional will help you get through this and talk honestly with each other, so that you can find your way back to an intimate and loving connection.

Dear Jane,

A friend of mine got married the 4th of July weekend this year and I was so excited to attend her big day – until I tested positive for COVID the morning I was supposed to leave for her wedding weekend. I felt horrible because I didn’t want to disappoint her, but I knew it would be even worse to risk being there and spreading COVID to the other guests.

So I texted her to let her know I wouldn’t be able to make it, sent her all the well wishes in the world and apologized, promising to make it up to her.

On the day of the wedding I texted her again to wish her luck. I didn’t get a response to either message, but I figured that was just because she was caught up in the excitement of her wedding. So I made a note to call her when she got back from her honeymoon the following week.

But when I called, she didn’t answer… and the same thing happened the next four times I tried to call her. I’ve texted her several times since then and even DM’d her on Instagram, but they’ve all gone unanswered.

She lives in another city, so we don’t see each other that often, but I’m devastated that she seemingly decided to end our friendship without giving me a chance to explain – all because I got sick?

Should I just cut my losses and give her up, or find another way to get through it?

By,

Confused friend

Dear confused friend,

It doesn’t seem to matter how old we are or how far away from school, female friendships can be so complicated and painful.

You are not owed an apology or explanation for missing her wedding due to COVID. Her behavior, on the other hand – the unanswered calls, the ignored messages and texts – are very big red flags.

She knows exactly how much pain she is causing by ignoring or ‘ghosting’ you. It is cowardly, disrespectful and often cruel to the person left behind.

Know that this is not your problem, it’s hers, that women who disappear instead of trying to solve it are not the kind of women you want as good friends.

You can’t force her to respond, and neither should you; stop messaging her and do your best to move on.

If at some point she is ready to discuss this, she may contact you, but until then, know that you did the right thing and that ghosting her is doing you a huge favor.

I’ve had some high-maintenance friendships in my time. I never knew when I would make a mistake—getting sick before their wedding day or big birthday, leaving a party too early, not saying the right thing—and tiptoeing around them on eggshells, fearing my next transgression.

Until I realized that every time I thought about her, I felt exhausted. We are all too old to make friendships that cause stress and upset. Interestingly, women who set the friendship bar too high for people to meet tend to move through friends on a regular basis.

Her lack of compassion and forgiveness shows you what kind of friend she is to you. We all deserve to be surrounded by people who know that we are all juggling, that we may not talk about it, but that each of us carries a burden.

When our friends cannot organize important events, we do not punish them with silence, but we bring soup, forgiveness and compassion.