DEAR JANE: My husband is REFUSING to let me see my dying ex-boyfriend one last time
Dear Jane,
Earlier this year, my ex-boyfriend contacted me to tell me he had been diagnosed with terminal brain disease cancer – and to ask if I would consider visiting him one last time, because he wanted to say some things to me.
We broke up eight years ago, and the breakup wasn’t great. I thought he was the man I was going to marry… until I found out he was cheating on me with a good friend who ended up being his wife.
Over the years, I’ve managed to move on, largely thanks to my husband, who I met about six months after the breakup, and who was instrumental in bringing my relationship back together.
He understood so well that I needed to move slowly in our relationship, and when we got married three years ago, I knew everything happened for a reason because he was the man I would always end up with.
Dear Jane, My ex-boyfriend is dying of cancer and wants to see me one last time, but my husband won’t let me visit him
I have also worked hard to forgive my ex and his wife, and truly harbor no ill will toward either of them.
So when my ex reached out it caused a lot of mixed emotions, the first of which was heartbreak for him.
He is in his early forties and it really devastated me to hear that his life could be cut short at such a young age. I also felt a twinge of… love, I guess? Some of those feelings I once had for him swelled inside me for a moment, and combined with my sadness over his diagnosis, I became quite overwhelmed.
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Finally, I decided that I wanted to see him, to give him the opportunity to get off his chest anything that might help him find peace in this terrible time, and also to achieve a real sense of closure for myself, how selfish as it may be. sound.
But when I shared the message with my husband and told him I was going to arrange a visit with my ex, he firmly stated that it was a bad idea and that he could not approve of it.
He said he didn’t want me to risk my own mental health and well-being to fulfill the desires of a man who had hurt me so terribly in the past, and that he was afraid that seeing my ex would make me into an emotional spiral. that I have tried to move past for so many years.
My husband doesn’t have a controlling bone in his body so I don’t think this reaction comes from jealousy or anything like that, I do think he wants the best for me.
But deep down, I know it’s the best thing for me to see my ex – because I know I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t.
I just don’t know how to say this to my husband without hurting him or making it seem like I’m a glutton who won’t listen to his advice.
How do you suggest I approach it?
By,
Last wish
Dear last wishes,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and even more sorry that your husband doesn’t understand. You say he doesn’t have a controlling bone in his body, yet he keeps you from doing something that’s important to you.
It is not up to him to protect your mental health and well-being. You are not a child. You are a grown woman who can see whoever you want, especially an ex-boyfriend who clearly has unfinished business and who has expressed a dying wish to – we imagine – clean up his side of the street while he still can .
I suggest you tell your husband that you are not his property. That you are old and strong enough to make the right choices for yourself, and that you choose to honor the feelings you once had for this man, and give him the opportunity to say things he might want to say, so he can die in peace.
Tell your husband that you hope he doesn’t feel uncomfortable, but if he does, maybe he should seek a therapist to figure out why he feels threatened by this.
I wish you much happiness, strength and above all peace.
