Author Elizabeth Day, 45, says she’s made peace with never being a mother after 12 years of trying – but admits it defines her life and she thinks about it every day

Elizabeth Day says she’s come to terms with the fact that at 45, she’ll never be a mother, but she still thinks about having a child “every day.”

The How To Fail presenter and Magpie author, 45, lives in Vauxhall, south London, with her husband, financial technology CEO Justin Basini, told The times that she tried for twelve years to have a child, but last year was forced to accept that her dream would never come true.

She underwent two rounds of IVF, miscarriages, egg freezing and surgery on her uterus, but eventually the “stress” of the process became too overwhelming.

She told the newspaper: ‘My desire to have a child has not only shaped me as a woman: it has shaped me as a woman. There isn’t a day I don’t think about it.’

Last year, at the age of 44, Elizabeth decided to stop trying after failing to become pregnant in America with the help of an egg donor.

She and her husband searched for a year for a donor, who underwent the process of extraction and IVF, and the embryo was implanted in Elizabeth’s uterus.

She said it was “crushing” to receive an email from the clinic 10 days later saying: “You are not pregnant.”

During her fertility struggles, Day felt like her “purpose” in life was to become a mother, but her perspective has changed.

“I realize that the greater purpose is to speak for those who are not mothers or fathers, often not by choice. That gives my life meaning, and I was afraid I wouldn’t get that,” she said.

She also believes that adoption is not an easy process and is not necessarily the right option for her.

The novelist has previously spoken openly about her struggle to have a child, both during her first marriage to former BBC editor-in-chief Kamal Ahmed, whom she divorced at the age of 36, and to her current husband Justin Basini.

Her first miscarriage was with Ahmed when she was 12 weeks pregnant, which she says was the catalyst for their eventual split when she left him in February 2015.

Day also dated Fleabag star Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s brother Jasper, who was nine years her junior. She said their breakup was partly the inspiration for How To Fail.

She has been married to Justin since 2021 after meeting on dating app Hinge.

The How To Fail presenter and Magpie author, 45, lives in Vauxhall, south London, with her husband, financial technology CEO Justin Basini (pictured together this Christmas)

Elizabeth told The Times in a new interview that she has been trying to have a child for 12 years, but was forced to accept that her dream would never come true last year.

How To Fail now has 20 series and has been downloaded more than 45 million times, featuring interviews such as Rory Stewart and Margaret Atwood.

She released a memoir of the same name, while her thriller Magpie explores the theme of infertility.

Day previously spoke on the podcast Changes about her struggle to conceive, in a conversation with former Radio 1 DJ Annie Macmanus.

She told the podcast that women undergoing fertility treatment can often feel “gaslit” by the doctors treating them, saying she has experienced it firsthand.

Day told the broadcaster that she often felt like, “I’m failing, but there’s an extra level of moral judgment coming at me from people I’ve learned to respect and who have an enormous amount of power in a medical situation.”

She told Macmanus that after she relayed her experiences to a friend, they suggested, “Maybe you’re not reacting badly to the meds, maybe the meds are failing you.”

Says Day: “It was a truth bomb moment. I actually am under attack by a male-dominated establishment – none of them will have any idea what it’s like to have a miscarriage, let alone menstruate.’

Day added that she thought there are “some wonderful, compassionate medical professionals out there and I’ve met so many of them,” and said the profession was “changing for the better.”

Elizabeth’s podcast How To Fail now has 20 series and has been downloaded more than 45 million times, featuring interviews such as Rory Stewart and Margaret Atwood

Last year, at age 44, Elizabeth decided to stop trying to have a child when she still wasn’t pregnant, after a year of searching for a donor

Referring to the fertility problems of one of the characters in Day’s hit book Magpie, Macmanus asked the author how much of it was based on her own experiences.

The author said she wanted to write about her own experiences in a novel, saying: ‘I’ve had IVF, I’ve had miscarriages, I’ve had my eggs frozen, I’ve had operations on my uterus – and I really wanted to put that somewhere to put down’.

She also told the broadcaster that walking out of the marital home in February 2015, after her first marriage to Kamal Ahmed ended, was “the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

‘When I realized I was truly unhappy, it was after a horrific year in which I had two failed rounds of IVF, then fell pregnant naturally and had a miscarriage after three months. I was a hormonal wreck and numb with grief.”

She said that after a “grim Christmas” she knew that “the level of unhappiness was intolerable” and she went to therapy.

Knowing the marriage would not survive, she told Macmanus she felt “terrible shame” at the idea that it had failed, but that she knew “I was hitting a wall and had to make a change.”

Day’s ninth book, Friendaholic, is out now.