It's lonely at the top

Not ready to be nice

What should I do if my boss wants more than professionalism? My boss is terrible at his job and wastes the time and energy of the 100 people under him. If he is unclear, I, as one of the leaders directly below him, ask clarifying questions. He becomes nervous and defensive. As a woman, it's important to me that I don't adopt a demure and flirty attitude just to make him feel comfortable, but recently I was drawn into his office to work on my negativity. What's the best way forward? Let me repeat: I am extremely professional – I just don't put on the typical girly song and dance to make myself more palatable.

– Anonymously

Your boss is entitled to his preferences, but he has no right to make you jump through unnecessary and gendered hoops to do your job effectively. I wish you had provided more information in your letter. Has he given you any details about what he considers negativity? Has he offered preferred solutions to this communications impasse?

I'm afraid there's not much you can do, because you're not really the problem. If he gets nervous and defensive when you ask clarifying questions, it's probably because he doesn't have the answers and can't admit it. If he wants you to charm him with your feminine wiles, then that is a personal problem. If you are professional, and I believe you are, that is all you have to do. In the meantime, document that you went to his office and the conversation you had, and document any other instances where he is being unreasonable, just in case.

Divided by service

I am writing to ask for advice on how to deal with a situation that would have been completely unthinkable six months ago. An American colleague has traveled to Israel to volunteer in support of the war effort. Not only was this colleague given permission, this person was also given a special dispensation to exceed the number of annual leave days granted.

We are the only two Jews in the office and live in a part of the country where Jews are a minority. I'm willing to hold my nose about the permission our supervisors gave for the trip and even the extra days off they gave, because I expect a workplace to allow an employee to pursue their interests outside the office, within reason.

But how should I continue to collaborate with this colleague? I consider this colleague to be the worst kind of self-hating Jew because through these actions he besmirches our shared peaceful religion. My supervisors are completely unaware of my dilemma and anger for the time being.

What would you do? Do you feel like my feelings are legitimate, or am I overreacting?

– Anonymously

You're entitled to your feelings, but you can't dictate what other people do with their time, energy, and resources. You can't decide that your coworker is self-loathing because he made a choice you don't agree with. It's none of your business that he's taking time off to volunteer in Israel.

You don't want to get involved in why people take time off, because there are all kinds of reasons why people apply for and receive special leave dispensations. If your colleague were a US Army reservist, would you have the same feelings? When your colleague returns, you may have a conversation to better understand his choices, but what will that accomplish?

Although you share a cultural background, you have different ideas about how to acquit yourself. There is common ground to be found, but you both have to be willing to meet there. Your anger is something you need to control. Put that energy into something productive, like participating in a protest or volunteering your time at an organization that reflects your values.