Kate and William find themselves in crisis like never before. So how grimly predictable that Meghan would swoop in with this plain, beige relaunch… and, warns MAUREEN CALLAHAN, such a messy royalty sale is exactly what the late Queen always feared

Just when you think Meghan Markle might exhibit some of that kindness she so loves to praise — well, she can’t. She won’t do that.

On the same night that her husband and his estranged brother Prince William appeared separately at an awards ceremony in honor of their late mother — and as gross speculation about Kate Middleton’s illness, the doctored family photo and even the strength of her marriage reached a fever pitch — Meghan is launching a lifestyle brand on Instagram.

What’s even worse, hours later, she and Harry announced their own $100,000 NAACP Empowerment award through Archewell.

Meghan Markle, like nature, abhors a vacuum.

‘American Riviera Orchard’ is the latest addition to Brand Sussex, and it’s as beige and basic as our Duchess of Despair and her endless grievances.

The urgent text from a friend said it all: “I can’t handle it.”

Who among us can do that? Especially those of us who stayed with them in the United States.

Let’s make one thing clear: we don’t call our coasts in America “river axis.”

They are beaches, lake shores or bays. We love them, we sunbathe with them, we hike and picnic and walk our dogs, but we don’t call them ‘rivieras’.

As for that “orchard,” it’s clearly meant to be reminiscent of her and Harry’s grand $14 million estate in Montecito, replete with fruit trees, a chicken coop and rose gardens.

You know, the things that average American women can relate to as inflation destroys the dream of ever owning a starter home. But buy Meghan’s expensive kitchenware!

Oh, does she stay on-brand as always – and by that I mean a ton of contradictions.

Let’s abort this relaunch while holding the notions of compassion close, lifting up our fellow women (except Kate, of course, because Kate made her cry), holding space, and begging for privacy as we continue the Worldwide Privacy Tour.

We open the promotional video with a woman’s hand arranging pink and white roses against a backdrop of greige, the film is filtered to look old-fashioned, as Nancy Wilson – and I defy anyone under 50 to know who that is – sings: to a dirty big band, swing time sound, ‘I Wish You Love’.

Ha! Meghan Markle, know yourself.

If she had wished love on anyone, especially her estranged, suffering in-laws – including King Charles, who is currently battling cancer – she would have stopped this highly unnecessary brand reveal.

On the other hand, Meghan has always unnecessarily inserted herself into stories, into victimhood – into our lives! – with unrelenting force.

So why not the lifestyle cooking wellness area? God knows it’s not overcrowded, with Goop and Martha Stewart and Oprah and any number of Kardashians.

Our next shot is a blurred, soft look at Meghan, from a distance, preparing something in her kitchen while wearing an expensive-looking white top, as so many of us do.

Because when we think of Meghan, we immediately think of cooking, sweets, treats – the jams and preservatives she will be selling here, along with an upcoming cookbook.

Yes, few public figures of our time evoke heart and warmth, the comfort of home and family unity as she does.

This action shot is, as it were, followed by a long look through an arched stone corridor at a woman in silhouette, dressed in a black ball gown – for daytime. Could this be our Duchess?

Against a clear sky, she appears to bend down to pet a dog and then stand back up to… well, it’s unclear why she’s back there at all, or what she’s even doing.

Then we flash to the title card, ‘American Riviera Orchard’ – written in the style of Meghan’s famous calligraphy – with a faint royal insignia above it, all in thin gold embroidery.

Class or trash? I vote for the latter.

This was everything the late Queen Elizabeth feared: the Sussexes trading royalties, using it to buy some copper cookware and starting a knock-off Ina Garten show, while capitalizing on their family, never more in crisis than now.

With the king having retired from his public duties and the downsized monarchy suffering from Kate’s extended absence, Meghan applies for a US trademark for the sale of tablecloths, napkins, glasses, decanters, jams and jellies.

It’s a pedestrian on the edge of the camp.

The more seriously Meghan takes herself, the more her personal brand suffers. The more she exploits her gripping desire for fame and relevance, the further she falls in the public’s appreciation.

That ball gown! The idea that we can’t see her up close! What is this, the fall of Sodom and Gomorrah? Will we all turn to pillars of salt when we see her?

Quick question: will Meghan sell salt? Not just any salt, mind you – like pink salt, sea salt from the world’s rarest, most exotic bodies of water? Rivieras, if you will.

The thrust of every celebrity lifestyle brand is hubris. It is based on the founder’s self-confidence almost every other woman wants to be her.

Who does Meghan Markle want to be?

Incredibly, this new Instagram account has amassed around 200,000 followers in the few hours since its launch, even though the account doesn’t follow anyone else.

Consider the quotes from a source claiming to be close to Harry and Meghan earlier this week, but which have since been denied by the couple.

After Kate took the blame for the botched Photoshop mistake (and I will never believe Kate was responsible for that), we were told that “this is not a mistake Meghan would ever make.”

Of course not! Meghan is too busy making the most insensitive, tone-deaf, poorly timed, harsh launches (and relaunches) on the planet.

In case we didn’t get the message, this alleged source added that Meghan “has a keen eye and a whimsical attention to detail.”

That must have cost her that lucrative Spotify deal. It’s that kind of work ethic that led director Bill Simmons to call both Harry and Meghan “bloody frauds,” who did very little work and had terrible ideas.

It’s that kind of “attention to detail” that kept Meghan from ever Googling the royals, and especially Prince Harry, until she met them. Or thinking that the British royal family, and especially the revered Queen Elizabeth, were characters from the Middle Ages.

It’s Meghan’s keen eye that instructed us on how to bow to the Queen and gave us a sarcastic, deeply contemptuous recreation in that Netflix series — an unmistakable act of mockery that left even Harry looking pained.

So forgive us, Meghan, if we still fail to buy what you’re selling. Even if it’s just some cloth napkins and overpriced jam.