Lesbian couple left 'scared and disappointed' after male GP advises them to 'go out and find a man to sleep with'
A lesbian couple keen to have a baby were left baffled when a GP asked them why they hadn't found a man to sleep with and whether they knew 'human sperm' was needed to have a baby.
Elissa Hillier, 32, and her wife Kaylee, 35, from Manchester, are now raising money to pay for private fertility treatments after failed attempts in Britain and Denmark.
The couple had made an appointment with a GP at a practice in Salford in February 2023 to discuss their options.
But they said the GP did not know how to proceed and his advice left them 'scared, disappointed and upset'.
The couple, who then decided to go private, found clinics in Denmark and Britain and began three rounds of fertility treatments. Unfortunately it was to no avail.
Manchester-based Elissa Hillier (left) and wife Kaylee are now doing IVF. Elissa is currently going through her first cycle and the couple expects to find out in the coming weeks whether this has been successful
They are currently doing IVF and, after spending a total of around £15,000 on treatments, have now launched a fundraising campaign to cover their costs and help them start a family.
The couple is also launching a podcast about their fertility journey called NoMoreMen.
“We went in really excited because we thought this was the start of our journey and that we were going to have a baby,” says Elissa, who is currently studying English and Creative Writing at the University of Bolton and works part-time as a careers advisor and in retail.
'When we left, we sat in the car in silence and said, “Did that just happen?”
During the consultation they said the male GP asked: 'Do you know you need a man to have a baby?'
They were also asked, “Do you know it has to be human sperm?”
“Then he stared at us for a while and said, 'Why don't you just find a man to sleep with?'” Elissa added.
The GP offered to put them on a 'three year' waiting list for a fertility appointment on the NHS.
Elissa, 32, and Kaylee, 35, traveled to a clinic in Denmark for private fertility treatment after being left 'shocked, disappointed and upset' by a GP who asked why they hadn't found a man to sleep with
After a video chat with a nurse who was able to explain the process in a clear way, the couple went to Diers Klinik in Aarhus, Denmark's second city, for intrauterine insemination (IUI).
“He gave no explanation as to what that would entail and basically said, 'I don't really know how I can help you or why you're here,'” says Kaylee, Senior Studio Director for BBC Radio Operations.
“All he said was, 'I'm going to put your name on this list and you'll get a call.'
“He wasn't rude or mean, you could tell he was really trying to understand,” Elissa added.
“He suggested a number of times, 'Why don't you just look for a man?' and we kept repeating that I don't want my wife to sleep with anyone else.'
The couple said they “couldn't believe this was actually happening” and even wondered if they were being pranked on television.
“Are straight couples asked if they know you need human sperm to have a baby?” Kaylee said.
They started researching private options online and found three possible procedures: intrauterine insemination (IUI), in vitro fertilization (IVF), and reciprocal IVF.
In IUI, sperm is injected directly into the woman's uterus, while in IVF the egg is surgically removed from her ovaries and fertilized in a laboratory.
To find out more, Elissa and Kaylee booked a free consultation at a specialist clinic in Manchester and were invited to a fertility webinar.
But they said the session focused mainly on IVF and male fertility issues.
“There was only one slide that said, 'We can help same-sex couples,' and it was a picture of two men,” Elissa said.
“It really set us back,” Kaylee added.
Just as they were about to give up, Elissa saw a news article about a same-sex couple going to Denmark for their fertility treatment.
They contacted Diers Klinik in Aarhus, the country's second largest city, and were invited to a one-on-one video chat with a nurse.
“She explained everything step by step in a very calm, natural way,” Elissa said.
“After our experience, we were almost worried that we would be a same-sex couple on this phone call, but she didn't even blink.”
Previously, when they were still exploring their options and attended a fertility webinar with a specialist fertility clinic in Manchester, they were disappointed to find that the session focused mainly on IVF and male fertility issues.
The couple decided they would try IUI as it was around £3,000 cheaper than IVF, which costs more than £5,000.
“She basically said, as soon as you start ovulating, call us and we'll book you into the clinic and do the procedure,” Elissa said.
“Feeling in the dark and alone, this was the first place we reached out to that made us feel safe and that someone was actually on our side,” Kaylee added.
The couple traveled to Denmark in July 2023 to undergo the IUI procedure and were delighted when they had a positive pregnancy test two weeks later.
But a few days later Elissa got her period and it turned out that she had a so-called 'chemical pregnancy', a very early miscarriage.
“You get that positive test and you think, 'We're blessed,'” Kaylee said.
'I was at work and I got the call from Ellie and the floor is pulled out from under you.
“All that elation we had just evaporated.”
Unwilling to continue traveling to Denmark, the couple sought another clinic closer to home in Wilmslow, where they tried IUI for the third time. Unfortunately it didn't work
The couple did not let this stop them and after receiving some financial help from Elissa's parents, they went for another round of IUI in August 2023.
Unfortunately, this time it just didn't work.
Running out of money and not wanting to experience the stress of traveling to Denmark again, the couple decided to look for a clinic closer to home.
Elissa had joined several fertility Facebook groups and was contacted by a woman in Manchester who recommended the CREATE Fertility clinic in Wilmslow.
“It was more expensive than Denmark, but we thought it might be better to take the stress out of traveling,” Elissa said.
'We booked a consultation and it was really thorough and we just felt like this was a good experience, it felt safer and they just seemed to be more aware of lesbian couples.'
Unfortunately, their third IUI attempt didn't work, so the couple decided to try IVF after receiving a discount from the clinic in November 2023.
“We can't keep doing it because it costs too much money and the emotional toll is too high,” Kaylee said.
After their third and final IUI attempt failed, the Wilmslow clinic offered the couple a discount on IVF, which they started in November 2023. They hope Elissa will have a baby first and then Kaylee.
'I see my wife putting so much strain on her body that it got to the point where we thought, “Do we just keep doing this or do we try IVF and give ourselves a better chance?”
The whole process cost the couple around £15,000 and they have now launched a fundraiser on GoFundMe to help start their family.
Elissa is currently going through her first cycle and in the coming weeks they will find out whether it has been successful.
“We hope Kaylee has a baby after I have one,” Elissa said.
“Hopefully sharing our story will help other people figure out what they can do,” Kaylee added.
“Every donation we've had so far, no matter how much, we've been so humbled.
“You don't feel like you deserve it and it feels like a privilege that someone would donate to us and help us start a family.”
- To learn more about Kaylee and Elissa's experiences, follow @NoMoreMenPod on Twitter and Instagram.