Is your marriage falling apart? I’m a top divorce lawyer – here are the 4 things you MUST do if you want to save your relationship

As a seasoned divorce attorney, I should have seen my own divorce coming, but I was completely blindsided.

It was an ordinary Thursday morning in 2003. I had been busy getting our daughters, then aged four and eight, ready for school and I poked my head into my ex-husband’s study to ask what he would later do as wanted dinner. Instead of the answer I expected, he said, “This isn’t working.”

In an instant, his completely unexpected and devastating words changed the lives of me and my children.

After thirteen years of marriage, despite all the usual challenges of balancing work, family, and life, I thought we were doing just fine.

My first reaction was complete disbelief and I asked, “Is this a joke?” But I had seen that steely, hardened look on the client’s faces and I knew – with horror and deep sadness – that he had already mentally ended our relationship.

Divorce lawyer Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart has decades of experience dealing with the turmoil of unhappy and warring couples

In fact, he had been planning that bombshell for a while and I was served divorce papers shortly after.

Unfortunately, mine is not an unusual divorce scenario.

On reflection, I’m still amazed that, despite my decades of experience immersed in the turmoil of unhappy and warring couples, I could have missed the warning signs. Perhaps, like many of my clients, I had chosen to ignore or overlook them. It is now clear to me that I have sleepwalked my way to a divorce. And I am far from alone.

My own divorce experience has undoubtedly increased my understanding and empathy for the pain and suffering of my clients, making me a better divorce attorney. And today, I actively work to help divorce-proof marriages.

The latest statistics show that one in three marriages ends, and if my observations are correct, at least one of the other two in three marriages is not particularly happy either.

In my 30-year legal career I have advised over 400 couples, guiding them through some very complex, high-profile cases involving multi-million pound settlements, and learning to spot the troubling patterns of behavior that can so easily go off the rails. relationships.

Sometimes, by the time someone asks for my advice, it is too late to save their marriage. But in my experience, when your relationship hits the rocks, you usually have 18 months to two years of persistent dissatisfaction and dissatisfaction before either of you breaks down completely.

This crucial relationship saving period is your chance to try to mend those rifts and maybe even bring your relationship back from the brink.

Here’s what to do if you find yourself in one.

Return your gaze to the ball

My first plea is vigilance: don’t let a good relationship deteriorate while you’re busy with other responsibilities.

When you’ve taken on the role of raising children, running the house and trying to keep your career vibrant, as I did, it’s all too easy to lose sight of prioritizing your relationship.

I see it all the time. If I’m brutally honest, this was one of the reasons my last marriage failed.

I had taken on the day-to-day care of our children, but I was determined not to give up my blossoming legal career.

Still, during times of great stress (a long day at court while the babysitter called in sick), I resented my ex-husband for not making more of an effort to help with the girls. His frequent work trips added to the tension.

When he finally dropped his “this isn’t working” bomb, it was already too late to work on our marriage, despite my best efforts.

In retrospect, we didn’t spend enough time and energy on communicating better and repairing our relationship frustrations. Make sure you do that.

Make your sex life sparkle

It would be a mistake to underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship.

In my professional experience, I’ve noticed a huge connection between the loss of interest in sex in one of you, and the attraction for the other to have an affair to compensate for the lack of intimacy.

A sexless marriage doesn’t always mean doom and it’s not unusual for the volume about sex to decrease over time, but a discrepancy between sexual needs and desires can cause resentment and frustration.

I’ll never forget a woman who came to me for advice because a friend had seen her husband at a company event, on the dance floor in a passionate clinch with a blonde. The friend shared how wonderful it was to see her still cuddling with her husband after all these years.

Sheela says it would be a mistake to underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship. Never get rid of the habit of having sex; it’s a relationship muscle that needs to be exercised

My client – ​​who also has blonde hair – had not been to that party. He was clearly having an affair.

In cases like this, I always ask if the couple is sharing a marital bed (if the answer is no, that’s a red flag to me). She told me, ‘Oh, we’re not having sex anymore. I closed that store ten years ago! Who needs sex when we can watch Netflix together?’

Losing interest in sex, she had wrongly and naively assumed that her husband felt the same way.

Unfortunately, she left too late to repair the marriage. By the time she filed for divorce, her husband had moved in with his mistress and had already begun shifting assets to prevent her from getting too much of “his” wealth.

I listen to women complain that they’re no longer attracted to their husbands (he doesn’t smell good anymore, he’s gained weight, he leaves toenail clippings in the bathroom…), but if you want a marriage to work, you have to You should look for ways to maintain and build an emotional and sexual connection.

Better yet, never kick the habit of sex; it’s a relationship muscle that needs to be exercised.

To keep the flames of intimacy burning, you need to fan that fire regularly.

This doesn’t mean gritting your teeth and doing something you don’t want to do, but it does mean discussing the subject honestly and seeking advice if necessary.

If you don’t feel like having sex, gently tell him why. He’s not a mind reader. Share with each other how your needs and wants may have changed over time and discuss possible ways to better satisfy each other.

Help him through his midlife crisis

Never underestimate the impact of the midlife crisis on men. It affects more than half of them and can strike at any time, usually from the age of 40.

Common triggers range from the trivial (the onset of hair loss) to super stressors like the death of a friend or parent, overwhelming pressure to maintain a lavish lifestyle, or being passed over for a promotion at work. Many men fear that their masculinity will slip away as they reach middle age.

So be on the lookout for mood swings, a new gym habit, possibly the classic shiny new sports car, and mutterings about “growing apart” and “feeling overwhelmed, trapped, and ignored.”

In her 30-year legal career, Sheela has advised more than 400 couples, guiding them through complex, high-profile cases involving multi-million pound settlements, and learning to spot the troubling patterns of behavior that can so easily derail relationships.

A supportive, understanding and caring woman can make a big difference. But if you’re preoccupied or distracted, things can quickly get out of hand.

Many clients I see don’t talk much to their partners, but good communication and active listening are crucial.

Get the ball rolling by checking in with him. Try ‘I see you’re having problems, tell me what I can do to help you’ – or sit down with a bottle of wine and ask him about an aspect of your relationship that he would like to see improved (more time and space) . , a revitalized sex life, getting your finances under control).

If you suspect he is having an affair, ask him right away. Many women overlook signs or avoid confrontation, but addressing underlying marital problems now can save you heartache later.

Remember that the grass is not greener

It is unwise to think that if your relationship is not perfect, or no longer as satisfying as it used to be, or if life has become dull and boring, that you should break away from this marriage and look for a better one.

This is especially true for women in their 50s. Unless the marriage is toxic or violent, it is often wiser to tend to your own patch of lawn.

The truth is that no matter how wealthy you are after divorce, divorce doesn’t create winners.

Your confused mutual friends may take sides, your children will worry about how this will affect them, and many will struggle to cope.

Moreover, the grass is not always greener. Many divorced women find the search for suitable partners frustrating and ultimately feel lonely.

They tell me they don’t want to take on a younger man’s children when theirs are grown, and they certainly don’t want to take on the role of caretaker for an older man who is past his prime.