How to talk about marital problems before it’s too late

Former New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio and his wife, Chirlane McCray, announced in an interview with The New York Times on Wednesday that they were separating after nearly 30 years. Their story begins with an “aha” moment in the midst of what the article calls another “stale Saturday night of binge-watching television.”

“Why aren’t you in love anymore?” Mr. de Blasio reportedly asked his wife, a question that will probably feel familiar to anyone in a long-term relationship who has felt the slow fading of lust and excitement.

To be sure, the couple — who are not divorcing and will continue to share the Brooklyn mansion where they raised their children — have faced other complicating factors that extend far beyond mundane weekend plans, including the grueling pace of electoral politics and the failed election campaign of Mr De Blasio. presidential bid.

But for those who see a core of themselves in the couple’s story, experts say there are simple but helpful questions you can ask yourself and your partner before it’s too late.

Am I honest about what I want?

Falling into comfortable patterns isn’t inherently a problem, nor is it necessarily a red flag if you’re not as physically affectionate with your partner as you used to be, said Megan Murphy, a licensed mental health counselor and co-founder of Expansive Therapy, an LGBTQ community. targeted psychotherapy group.

“I love binging with a loved one on the couch!” she said laughing. But what the article describes about their divorce is that moment or scenario where a couple realizes, “Oh, I think we want something more,” Ms. Murphy said.

Ms. Murphy encourages people in a relationship to ask themselves: What do I want from my relationship? And will I get it?

“Can you be honest with yourself about that, and then can you bring that honesty into the relationship?” she said.

Of course, those are big, often thorny questions to explore, and Ms. Murphy emphasized that therapy could help. Sometimes it can be helpful to start with individual therapy rather than couples therapy, she added, because it provides a safe environment to say what you want out loud.

Do things between us feel old?

Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of the book “I Want This to Work,” often counsels couples who worry about patterns they may have fallen into.

For example, in the case of a couple who spends a lot of time watching TV, encourage thinking about questions like: Is this a way to distract both of you from contact?

“Be honest and direct about what strikes you and also ask what they noticed,” Ms Earnshaw said. “Something like, ‘Hey honey, things feel old. Did you notice that?’ Then ask what your partner needs to feel involved in the relationship with you again.”

Galena Rhoades, a clinical psychologist and research professor at the University of Denver, said it can be helpful for couples to have “mini-assessments” or “check-ins” where they ask themselves questions like: Are we happy with how things are going ? ?

Experts sometimes recommend checking in as often as every day, but the general idea is to have them often enough so you can “make those smaller adjustments along the way,” said Dr. Rhodes.

Are we bringing enough energy into our relationship?

The relationship experts who spoke to The Times did not work with Mr de Blasio and Ms McCray and did not want to speculate on what contributed to the end of their relationship. However, Ms Earnshaw noted that the partners both described how outside pressures and demands on their time drew them away from each other.

It may sound obvious, but sometimes couples need to be reminded that it takes energy to keep romantic relationships romantic, Ms Earnshaw said – although she acknowledged how challenging that was for anyone dealing with the myriad pressures of work, parenting and other stressors of modern times. to live. (Dr. Rhoades also noted that Mr. de Blasio and Mrs. McCray were in a privileged situation, both financially and in terms of community support and resources, which may make the breakup easier.)

Still, couples should strive to “constantly assess” what’s important to them and do what they can to set limits and boundaries around the day-to-day tasks that take the energy out of their relationship, Ms Earnshaw said. She added that it might help to ask yourself first: What role do stress and busyness play in your lives together?

“If couples remain in a state of low energy with respect to the relationship,” said Ms. Earnshaw, “it becomes increasingly difficult to get out.”