I used a slur for accuracy when repeating a joke. Why is everyone angry?

My son is a comedian. When his comic buddies come to my town for performances, I put them on. Recently I received a black friend of his – I am white – and we talked about a famous black comic. I paraphrased one of the strip’s jokes that impressed me: A TV censor allowed the strip to use the N-word, but objected to its use of a homosexual slur. When the strip asked why, the censor said, “Because you’re not gay.” The comic responded, “Well, I’m not an N-word either.” I used the full N word, as the comic had, for accuracy. Later, the guest told my son that my language made him feel unsafe and that I am a racist. My son is mad at me. But I’m stunned that he and his friend can’t distinguish between quoting an anti-racist joke and being racist. Should I apologise?

HOSTESS

Let me start with a compliment: you are generous to accommodate traveling comedians. Other than that, however, I cannot support your views here. Your use of the slur was insensitive, and your claim that you know better than your guest how he should have felt when you used it is presumptuous. Still, I would like to thank you for raising important issues.

There’s no reason for you or a white person to use that word – not even in quotes. (Yes, I know some black people do.) It’s a racist epithet with a complex history that you can research if you’re interested. Otherwise, saying “N-word” is accurate enough; I knew exactly what you meant. And if you argue that you should use an explosive term when a general euphemism will suffice, you come across as defensive and tone-deaf.

More disturbing (to me) is your implication that your black dude was wrong in saying he felt unsafe. He – like all of us – is entitled to his feelings. And for you to dictate how he should have felt is hugely disrespectful. To apologize. You hurt someone, even if it was unintentional. (And in joking news, the one you repeated stinks! Rejecting a racial slur as an ancillary justification for using homosexual slurs is not anti-racist. We can respect everyone.)

How to move on when the trust is gone

My girlfriend and I have been dating for five years. We agreed to be monogamous, which is important to me. I just found out for the second time that she cheated on me. She tearfully swears it won’t happen again. I love her, but I don’t trust her anymore. And I’m ashamed to be in this position. Advice?

GEORGE

You have nothing to be ashamed of! We have no control over the behavior of others – only how we respond to it. Many people in your shoes would cut their losses and end the relationship.

But it may be helpful for you (both) to explore your girlfriend’s infidelity in couples therapy. In my experience, people who cheat often act out their own issues, not their feelings about their partner. Understanding her psychology better may help you move beyond pain and shame, whether you decide to stay together or break up.

Mi Causa Es Su Causa?

I launched a charity drive to help a Sri Lankan woman I met in Abu Dhabi where I used to live. She is extremely poor and in urgent need of medical care. I posted on Facebook and also in a group chat of 18 friends – half of whom are close friends. Only three people donated. I’m hurt and angry! I wonder if these people are really my friends or if they are even just good people. Thoughts?

S.

I have no doubt that your call came from a humanitarian impulse. Still, it seems to have become an exercise in self-gratification: Do my friends rate me highly enough to donate to my cause? This is a charity request, not a popularity contest.

Most people I know choose charities that are personal to them. For example, most of my donations go to suicide prevention. I set an annual budget and if I can afford to give more, I will. So a sad story on a group text chain about a woman in a country where you used to live wouldn’t be my priority. That doesn’t mean the woman doesn’t deserve help, and it doesn’t mean your friends are wrong about not donating.

Good curtains make good neighbours

My husband was chatting with our new neighbor when the neighbor said he could see me undressing through my bathroom window at night. Our homes are on three-quarter acre lots, so we’re not that close. My husband was speechless and I continue my nightly ritual, which does not include drawing the shades. Was our neighbor wrong to say something? Shouldn’t he be watching?

NEIGHBOUR

Your neighbor is not responsible for ensuring your privacy. And acreage seems irrelevant: he can see you undressing. I interpret his comment as a kind gesture to tell you something he thinks you would like to know.

If you don’t care, that’s your decision. But if you don’t pull the blinds because you think your neighbor shouldn’t use certain rooms or look out his window at night, I disagree. At the moment he is not peeking; you flash.

For help with your tricky situation, send an inquiry to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.