4 Ways to Avoid Tricky Moments This Thanksgiving
For some of us, Thanksgiving dinner can include a plethora of intrusive, inappropriate, and frightening comments from loved ones. (“No plus one this year, huh?” “Wow, your hair has turned completely gray!” “Are you still unemployed?”)
These comments can feel more powerful when everyone is together, says Mala Matacin, co-chair of the psychology department at the University of Hartford. Several generations may be looking for common ground. Expectations are high. Some people only see each other once a year.
We can also fall into our old family roles, she said. And sometimes, when we get unsolicited advice from people who have known us all our lives, we backslide.
“I know this to be true for me,” said Dr. Matacin. “I’m an adult; I’ve had a career.” But once back in the family circle, she says she thinks: Oh my God, am I five?
How do you keep the peace then? I asked experts for advice.
Make sure you have some responses ready.
If someone starts ranting at the table, I find it helpful to have short answers to draw the line. Here are some favorites I’ve heard from friends: “I’m not your target audience”; “I’m not sure how to respond to that,” and “Hey, you might want to turn on your filter.”
If politics is a controversial topic in your family, Matt Abrahams, a lecturer at the Stanford University Graduate School of Business and author of “Think Faster, Talk Smarter,” suggests the following joke: “Let’s keep the spiciness in the food and not in the conversation. ”
It’s best to avoid any dialogue about people’s bodies in general, said Dr. Matacin. But if someone is sharing unwanted comments about your weight, I like these two comebacks from Kami Orange, a TikTok creator whose “borderlines” gone viral: “I don’t currently take feedback about my body” and “I only discuss that with my doctor.”
Suppress questions in advance.
Joy Harden Bradford, a psychologist and author of “Sisterhood Heals,” said that before she got married, she found herself involved in unwanted discussions about her love life during the holidays.
“Most of the time it was my uncles who were the offending parties,” said Dr. Harden Bradford. “Finally I said to my mother, ‘I’m really worried about this. Can you talk to them before I get home to tell them I don’t want that kind of conversation?’ And it really worked.”
If you’re anticipating awkward questions — about work, dating, or anything else — have someone ask the inquisitor to stop on your behalf, Dr. Harden Bradford suggested.
If the perpetrator remains at the Thanksgiving table, you can try to think of a few responses in advance. Dr. Harden Bradford said, “You can say, ‘Oh, I haven’t met the right person yet, but you’ll be the right person.’ first to know. ”
Answer a pushy question with another question.
If someone asks you something unpleasant, respond (politely) with a question of your own, Dr. Matacin said.
“In a sincere, curious way you can say, ‘Why are you asking me that?’” said Dr. Matacin. Putting it back on the person requires an explanation, she said, and it can spark an honest conversation.
You can also change the subject by saying, ‘Oh, thanks so much for asking, but there’s so much more I want to talk to you about,'” said Dr. Matacin.
Do a cost-benefit analysis before starting a fight.
If your Aunt Suzie makes her usual snide comment about your kids always being on their phones, weigh the pros and cons before saying anything, Dr. Harden Bradford advised.
“Is Aunt Suzie really hurting anyone?” she asked. “Is it going to make things more awkward because you hired Suzie when you really could have let that go?”
There may be comments that cannot be dismissed. Boundaries are necessary so that everyone has a good time. But we all have an Aunt Suzie, and maybe we can give her some grace this Thanksgiving, said Dr. Harden Bradford.
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