The terrible reason why some women like me are intended for a life of sexual promiscuity. After I have been to countless men, I will never have anyone touched again: Corrine Barraclough

I drank a lot. And when I say ‘a lot’, I mean that I was in the merciless grip of alcoholism for two decades.

Hand in hand with daily excessive drinking, under many unsavory consequences, a lot of casual sex came.

Not connected, intimate, healthy sex. But wild, reckless, meaningless party sex.

When I drank – which was always – my attitude was down and dirty ‘everything goes’.

Because if you are an addict whose illness runs unbridled, you will also be unbridled.

I have had sex with both men and women, trios, group sex, full orgies.

I have had sex on trains and planes and in the backseat of cars. In bars and rear alleys, pubs and parks.

As a former Showbizz reporter, I even have a few celebrities on my bed post.

When I was an alcoholic, sex was never about pleasure. I did it ‘for the plot’, as Gen liked to say, or just because I had no control over my actions (depicted, correct as an addict)

As a former Showbizz reporter I even have a few celebrities on my bed post

Now I am 51 and sober, I feel exhausted if I only think about it.

At the time it was pure entertainment. I did it ‘for the plot’, as Gen Z says.

Really, when I jumped in bed (or in a toilet cell) for a quick, I didn’t think about my own pleasure or – God forbids – if this was actually a good idea.

No. I thought of the appearance of pure joy that the faces of my girlfriends would decorate if I had transferred the sexcapade over Mimosas the next day.

The promiscuous party girl was an identity that I had adopted. It wasn’t who I really was. It was a disguise born from trauma.

When I was 17, I got drunk at a party and I was raped by a boy I knew.

That pain was the rest of my life. Yes, it heated my relationship with sex, but wider, my relationship with myself. It is, I am almost sure why I drank.

In the future my drink started escalating and I was a dissociative relationship with sex. It became an extra-physical experience for me-Ise what I did because I thought I should do that, not because I wanted to.

I still don’t really know what it’s like to have sex for pleasure. (Corrine seen in her holidays)

I thought I would give myself loved. And even if that was not the case, it always made a spicy anecdote to tell the girls.

I never had sex because I wanted that. I don’t have – and still not – I know what that is like.

Yet I was looking for it as if I was a kind of nymphomaniac. I had a radar for fast and easy sex – and believe me, it is available everywhere when you are looking for it.

Given a large part of my work was the attentive of restaurant and night club openings, there were numerous opportunities – and I lew them up with the same insatiable thirst that I had for drinks.

During my 20 years as a functioning alcoholic, I don’t think I’ve ever had sober sex.

If you drink every day, you never do anything sober. But when it came to sex, I always felt that I needed that extra BIt is of Dutch courage to slide into ‘performance mode’.

It is common for survivors of sexual violence to turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism. In turn, they can then experience higher percentages of sexual promiscuity.

Nowadays women often talk about enthusiastic verbal permission. For female alcoholics this is not part of our vocabulary. We can have sex, and we may seem enthusiastic, but because of our drinks we miss the true ability to give permission.

It is what distinguishes male and female alcoholics in my experience.

Now I am 51, sober and happy to never have sex again, writes Corrine Barraclough

Men in recovery can be ashamed of their sexual past, including the pain they have caused by reckless relationships. But on the other hand, many bear their drunk promiscuity with pride.

But for alcoholic women, sex is almost always loaded by shame, regret, risk, anxiety and guilt. Some, like me, wonder if they have ever had consensual sex.

Now I am sober nine and a half a year. I am happy to be able to say that I will never drink again. But there is something else I won’t do – have sex.

For me they are poisonous relics of my old life. They exist hand in hand. I will never find joy in one of them again.