TRACEY COX: Older dads are great, but NO man should intentionally father a child over 75

What did you think when you learned that Al Pacino fathered another child at age 83?

A wonderful illustration that age has no barrier when it comes to giving life? Yet another example of the dishonesty of men who don’t have a biological clock while women do?

Or is there another old man trying to hold on to his youth by proving he still “got it” and having sex? Possibly an element of each of them struck a chord.

My overriding response was, “Poor boy!”.

I don’t dispute that you have the star of The Godfather, because your dad would be cool. You certainly won’t lack nannies, money or opportunities!

Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox asks, “What did you think when you heard Al Pacino fathered another child at age 83?” (photo, Al Pacino with Noor Alfallah)

But you could easily end up with a father you don’t remember because they died when you were so young.

Here you will find the pros and cons of parenting at a very late age, personal stories and the differing opinions of a cross-section of people.

We consider ourselves too old for many things later in life: partying, doing drugs, staying up all night, working long hours. One of the most important tasks of all – raising a baby and a young child – should definitely be added to the list.

Fathers are important

We live in a time where many children are raised perfectly by a single parent. But few make that choice: it is usually a life situation that is forced upon them.

It is certainly true that most men who father a child after the age of 80 are famous or rich: otherwise most women would not go for such an old man.

These children will be protected by money and privilege. But the average child of a much older father will not.

I have nothing against older dads – in fact, I think they tend to be better dads.

But seriously. Shouldn’t we draw a line in the sand somewhere when it comes to age and parentage?

And shouldn’t that line be around 75…maybe even 70?

THE PROS AND CONS OF HAVING A MUCH OLDER FATHER

There are two sides to the older father’s argument with ethical, social and biological considerations.

THE GOOD BITS

Emotional stability and maturity

It’s not always, but it often is that men become more reliable and sensible as they get older. The more stable the home, the healthier the child’s emotional development. Older fathers bring wisdom, patience and life experience to their parenting.

Financial security

Older fathers are most likely to have established careers and accumulated financial resources. Good education, better health care, other opportunities that poorer parents can’t get… money helps.

Studies show that children who grow up in economically privileged households tend to have better educational outcomes and higher socioeconomic status later in life.

NOT SO GOOD

Health risks for the child

Sperm quality decreases with age.

According to a large-scale study (2014) of more than 2.6 million babies born to 1.4 million men, children born to fathers over the age of 45 are more likely to develop psychiatric problems and struggle in school.

The study found that they are more likely to be diagnosed with autism, psychosis, ADHD, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. They often report more drug abuse and suicide attempts; and may have worse grades and fewer years in education.

Researchers admit it’s hard to say conclusively that all of the findings are a direct result of having an older father. But genetic mutations that accumulate in sperm as men age pose serious risks.

Less time together

Tragedies can strike at any age, but the older the parent, the more likely they are to develop illnesses that make them less physically or mentally available to their children.

There’s also the obvious: your father is more likely to die while you’re still young.

Less physical and mental energy

Raising a child takes a lot of energy. It’s not just having the strength to play rough, it’s the relentless late nights and early mornings that take their toll. Helping with homework, taking your kids to friends, getting up at night when they are sick; parenting is an exhausting, relentless task that never officially ends.

Children may fly out of the nest, but the constant worry about them never leaves you.

Men DO have a biological clock

For years, it was believed that aging only mattered to women when it comes to making babies.

But now we know that men DO have a biological clock: an age after which having children poses significant risks to the child, both psychologically and physically.

It’s the mental toll that worries me.

I’ve interviewed many people who had older fathers—most of them were over 50 when they were born—and their stories were moving.

“It’s certainly true that most men who father a child after 80 are famous or rich: most women wouldn’t go for such an old man otherwise,” said Tracey (pictured)

Many older fathers make children feel vulnerable

“I’ve always been haunted by the shadow of his death,” was how one woman described having an older father. (Her father was 51 when she was born.) “He had a heart attack when he was 55; he got cancer at age 62,” she said. “My friends all assumed their dads would be there when they had kids. I knew that would never happen and it broke my heart.”

Another woman told me that when she was 15, she worried every time she heard her father get into the shower. He fell once and broke his shoulder. Such an ordinary thing – taking a shower – became a stressful event for me. I floated out the door and held my breath until I heard the water stop and he stepped onto the bath mat and safety. I’m an anxious adult and I’m sure this didn’t help.’

Another man said that when his life began, his father’s was winding down. “It was hard not to envy friends who had fathers who were more physically active. My father was petite, the thought of him kicking a ball with me was laughable.’

“YOU HAVE TO PLAY THE CARDS YOU ARE DEALED”

Carmen, 45, has a three-year-old child with her partner Terry, who is 73.

“I didn’t mean to have a child with a man in his late sixties, it just happened that way. I got married in my early thirties, but there were problems with my husband’s sperm, and he wouldn’t entertain the idea of me getting sperm from a sperm bank. I left five years later because I was resentful and angry about this.

As time went on, I considered going solo, but I didn’t think that was fair to the kid. I became more and more desperate and seriously tried to find a partner. I was on all the dating apps, went on dozens of dates but didn’t find anyone I liked who liked me back. Men distrusted me – but just because you want a kid doesn’t mean you don’t want a great partner too.

I befriended a man I met in the park who was in his late sixties. We both had dogs and got talking. I entertained him with my disastrous dating stories, but it never occurred to me to consider him as a future partner. He also went on a few dates – his wife left him for another man ten years earlier.

About a year after we met, a strange thing happened. He went on a date and they seemed to get along and I was jealous. A few days later he said he didn’t think the spark was there and before I could stop myself I blurted out “Good!” out. I’m not sure who was more surprised, him or me, but our relationship started after that.

He knew I wanted children and said he would be honored if I considered having one with him. He has two daughters – now in their forties – and is very close to them. At first they were nervous about my motives – he’s quite well off – but over time we’ve all become very close.

Terry and I moved in together and had unprotected sex for a few months, but nothing happened. I was 41 and nervous about getting pregnant so we went to a fertility clinic and through IVF we had a daughter two years after we got together.

Terry turned 70 the year our child was born and is the best father a child could wish for. Seventy isn’t what it used to be. Many people over the age of 70 are still fit, healthy and active. We live longer and live better.

Money is not a problem, our daughter is growing up in a beautiful house in a great environment and will have the option of private education if she chooses. I’m still working, but Terry is retired and takes care of her when I’m not around. It’s not his first time at the rodeo, so he’s infinitely patient with her. He certainly hopes to be in her life for a long time, but even if he only lives ten or fifteen years, he will have been a much better father to my daughter than any of the men I’ve met through those dating sites.

His age is a plus in many ways. He is trustworthy and reliable and our future is secure. I feel loved and cared for and so does my daughter.

Having children is not always possible earlier in life. I didn’t know my husband was infertile and went out of my way to meet someone my own age after we broke up. But things aren’t always black and white and it’s not always as clear cut as ‘having kids before this age’.’

Shyness and embarrassment are common

‘As a child you want to be like everyone else. You don’t want a dad who looks and acts different from other dads,” was a comment that summed up many people’s feelings.

There was also shame in feeling that way.

“I let everyone assume he was my grandpa because it wouldn’t be cool to have a dad that old. What a tosser I was!’ one man told me, still guilty after all these years.

Generational problems made life difficult.

A two-generation gap creates a huge cultural divide. My father never showed his feelings, never told me he loved me.

He was the man of the house who brought home the bacon. The ‘mamby-pambying’ – as he called it – was my mother’s work.’

For more relationship and sex advice, listen to Tracey’s podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, at sextokpod.com. Check out her books and read her blog at traceycox.com.