Use 3C's on your profile and don't fall into the trap…pro's 10 do's & don'ts
FOR many singles, February 14 is a reminder that Cupid has yet to strike.
So if modern dating is making you tired, it may help to reset the way you try to find a partner.
American dating coach and love expert Damona Hoffman says singles should ditch outdated romance rules and use new tools to create a happily ever after.
Here, in excerpts from her book F The Fairy Tale, she explains how to find love in today's world.
- F The Fairy Tale, Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story (Seal Press), £25, Damonahoffman.com
1. Forget dating myths
MANY daters are stuck following four outdated love myths:
The list myth – specific qualities for a perfect partner that you keep on a scorecard.
The myth of the rules – if you see dating as a tactical game that you have to win.
The chemistry myth – looking for immediate sparks.
The Soulmate Myth – in the belief that there is one perfect match for you.
You have to leave all these behind. Understanding what is the driving your decisions in love will give you the current to shift the path ahead of you.
2. Focus on the four pillars
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FOCUS on a new way to guide your relationship choices. My four pillars are:
GOALS – A shared vision of the futurewhether that's about parenthood, marriage or even non-monogamy.
COMMUNICATION – This also applies to conflicts. You need to know if you can disagree and still find common ground.
VALUES – Have a compatible view of the world.
TO TRUST – Feeling safe and having mutual respect.
3. Leave out the deal breakers
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DO NOT eliminate a potential partner unnecessarily. Consider whether something like “non-smoker” is a preference or non-negotiable.
Preferences can be overlooked if there are enough positives to offset them, and your options increase.
If you're going to check something as 'no' on an app, then it has to be something you can't live with under any circumstances.
4. Adopt the 'yes' attitude
SAY yes to things, be open to new experiences and create a positive view of the future.
If someone invites you to a party but you don't know anyone, say yes. If a friend sets you up on a blind date, say yes.
Statistically, going to the same places and doing the same things will probably yield the same results – no new love matches.
To get a different outcome, you have to shake up your normal patterns.
5. 'F' the lines, correct your search
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WITH your mindset in order, you can increase your chances of attracting the right kind of people, online and offline.
Choose three qualities that best describe the person you want to meet. Then think about where you would meet that person.
The goal is to encourage you to put yourself in places where your match could be.
Everyone who is in love today has taken a leap of faith at some point.
What is the history behind Valentine's Day?
The origins of the holiday lie in the ancient Roman festival Lupercalia, a fertility festival commemorated annually on February 15.
The festival also officially marked the beginning of their spring.
It is thought that as part of the festivities, boys would draw girls' names from a box, and from then on they would enter into partnerships and sometimes get married during the festival.
Pope Gelasius I then recast this pagan festival as a Christian holiday around the year 496, declaring February 14 as St. Valentine's Day.
The name Saint Valentine has since been used by people to express feelings of love.
6. Online dating is just dating
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The reality today is that most matches take place on dating apps.
If you're scared of opening a dating app, don't throw them away altogether; maybe you just need a new one.
Apps are usually split into four types: traditional options like Match.com, swipe apps like Bumble and Tinder, curated apps that explore your options, and niche apps like national dating site Muddy Matches.
A good way to avoid dating burnout is to switch between the different types so that new options come in.
7. A picture speaks more than a thousand words
LESS is more with photos. Your profile is only as good as your worst photo, and the order in which you display them matters.
Filters are off, don't confuse your dating app with your Instagram feed.
My three must-haves are color, context and character. Color, such as bold red, helps you stand out. Context and character can show what you are passionate about.
When matching, be alert for red flags for catfishing on interested profiles. Beware of sketchy photos or photos that look overly posed, such as a doctor with a stethoscope.
Smart scammers try to appear more trustworthy.
8. Obey texting commands
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YOU'VE matched with someone, but getting to the date means one more hurdle: the texting trap.
To improve your messaging, avoid general questions and ask thoughtful questions that lead to an answer. Don't overwrite, overdo emojis, don't send too many messages, and don't pick fights.
And don't text drunk!
9. Arrange your first date
FIRST dates should take about an hour.
Choose a location where you feel safe and comfortable, tell someone where you are going, do an online search and call ahead for safety.
I often suggest a three-date rule. If you are curious about someone, meet again and give physical attraction a chance to develop.
When it comes to sex, it's complicated. You probably shouldn't have sex with someone unless you feel comfortable talking about those complications.
For most people, that's between three and ten dates.
10. Improve your future
IT'S called “falling in love” because you have to be willing to take a leap of faith.
Just like playing a game of poker, at some point you have to commit to the best hand you think you can build.
Leave the modern love myths behind them and step into the reality of the future relationship that awaits.