DEAR CAROLINE: I was abused by my brother as a child. Should I tell – even though it will destroy my family?

Q When I was twelve, I was repeatedly sexually abused by my brother, who was two years older than me. I have kept the abuse a secret for over 30 years and this is the first time I have admitted it.

Despite this, I have been happily married for twenty years now. However, I am estranged from my father, who rarely wants to see me and has never been happy with my choice of partner. I think he is jealous of my husband’s success as a businessman. I am I am in contact with my mother, but our relationship is tense.

My brother has a good relationship with both my parents because he constantly needs money and support. I’d like to tell them what he did, but… I know it would destroy lives and destroy any possible future happiness. If I were to go further, the police would be involved too.

a First of all, I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through.

I know many readers will find it very shocking. If you were sexually abused by your own brother, you must have been traumatized and scared. It violates everything a brother-sister relationship should be. It must have been very difficult to carry the secret for thirty years and it must have taken every ounce of courage to write to me, but opening up and getting support will help. It’s great that despite all your trauma, you have a happy marriage.

So please start telling your husband about the abuse because you will need his love and care. I suspect he will be extremely angry with your brother and may want to take it out on him, but explain that this won’t help at this point. As painful as it is to think about, I wonder if your parents might already know something about what happened. I hope I’m wrong, but I can’t help but think that behind their withdrawal is guilt for letting you down so badly.

I also wonder why your brother started down his path of abuse. Since the perpetrators are often victims of abuse themselves, is it possible that your father did the same to him?

Yes, revealing everything can cause distress, but it is important that you tell your parents what your brother did because, for the sake of your own mental health, it needs to be acknowledged. There is also a protection problem if your brother has children or grandchildren. It won’t be easy and you need to be prepared that your parents won’t get the responses you need. Please contact the National Association for People Abused in Childhood (napac.org.uk; 0808 801 0331).

They can help you report the incident to the police and seek help. Also try an app called Ed Can Help (edcanhelp.io) for PTSD. A form of high-frequency sound (a type of EMDR – eye movement density and processing) is used to reduce the impact of trauma, including sexual violence.

Should I Support My Ex-Wife After Her Betrayal?

Q My marriage ended six years ago after I discovered my wife’s affair. When I told her I wanted a divorce, she was furious and threw insults at me. She said it was my fault as I hardly ever wanted sex, and that her younger lover was more virile.

I was only 57, but ten years older than her. There was some truth in my lack of interest, as I had been laid off and was depressed. I have since gotten my life back on track, although I am currently single. Now my ex-wife has called in tears to say she is sorry and begs to try again.

Her mother has dementia and she says she has no one to turn to. I would never go back, but I feel obligated to offer her support for the sake of our adult children.

a Trust me, you don’t owe your ex-wife anything. When you were at a low ebb and really needed her, she didn’t support you at all. Unfortunately, sometimes people have an affair because they feel rejected by a partner who shows no interest, although this is not a good way to deal with the problem.

But when she was discovered, she revealed a very unpleasant side of her personality with her lack of remorse and cruel insults. It speaks well of your humanity that you would even consider helping her, and of course it is normal to feel sympathy for anyone dealing with a parent’s dementia. Because your ex-wife sounds flighty and unempathetic, your adult children probably find her difficult too.

So I would like to propose a compromise for them. Help her with practical arrangements such as finding carers or advising on finances. But don’t be a listening ear or someone she leans on. That is not a role you need to fulfill.

If you have a problem, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_

Caroline reads all your letters, but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally.