I asked my mother if she was willing to die
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Then I spoke to some end-of-life experts. This is what I discovered.
Shaina Feinberg And
Shaina is a writer and filmmaker who interviewed her mother for this story. Julia is an illustrator.
Recently I had the following conversation with my 82-year-old mother, Mary:
Me: Are you willing to die?
My mother: Not really. But I am prepared with my paperwork.
You may be wondering why I asked my mother about her end-of-life preparation. Well, when my father, Paul, died suddenly a few years ago, so did we complete unprepared.
“Dad and I never talked about what he wanted for his funeral,” my mother said. “He was 74 when he died, and he was in pretty good shape.”
On top of everything she had to do when he died, like planning the funeral, there was also the stress of finances and paperwork. “We had a joint checking account, but there wasn’t much money in it. There was more money in our other bank account, but it was only in his name. I had to get that sorted out, which took forever.”
The most helpful advice my mother received when my father died? “My best friend, Fran, told me, ‘Get a lot of death certificates because you’re going to have to send them to people and sometimes they don’t want Xerox, they want the real thing.’ I received fifteen death certificates from the funeral home.”
Preparing for death is complicated. How’s that for an understatement? You have to consider the emotional, spiritual and financial aspects. We spoke to three end-of-life experts who unpacked how we could make this massive undertaking a little more manageable.
According to a study by Ethosless than half of Americans have discussed their end-of-life plans with loved ones. Still, having these conversations is important, says Sarah Chavez, executive director of the nonprofit Order of the Good Death, which provides resources to learn about and plan for death.
“These conversations can be uncomfortable,” Ms. Chavez said, “but by planning these things and talking about them, it is a gift to the family left behind.”
As you think about what you’re going to do with your body, you also want to consider what you’re going to do with your stuff. “Basically everyone should have a few documents that last as long as you live,” says Michael Pevney, an estate planning attorney with a practice in California. (He also makes estate planning videos on TikTok.)
Whatever you decide to do with your body or your belongings, you need someone to carry out your requests.
If you don’t want to ask your loved ones about their preparations for death, there are other ways to broach the subject. “The easiest way is to open the family photo album and have conversations about the people in the photos,” says Joél Simone Maldonado, funeral director and death counselor. “The conversation is always about what people liked or didn’t like about a funeral or grieving process.” Ms. Maldonado suggests using these conversations as a springboard to ask questions about people’s expectations about the end of life. And take notes.
The only benefit of being so unprepared for my father’s death is that my mother is now super prepared. “I have several folders in a closet with all the things you need to do when I die,” she said. “I listed you as power of attorney so you can write a check for the funeral. I already paid for my grave. I’ll be next to Dad, under the same gravestone.”
When I asked my mother how she feels when she looks at the empty side of the gravestone, she said, “There’s my side. I have a place! Oh, and remember,” she added, “I’ve always wanted a mariachi band at my funeral.” Noted.
Created by Rebecca Lieberman.