DR MAX PEMBERTON: The surprising health reasons it’s time to let go of that grudge

Do you hold grudges? Are you someone who dwells on past arguments, seething with pent-up anger and resentment?

It’s done easily. You may have a lingering sense of anger toward someone who has let you down or bullied you. Maybe someone took credit for your work or made a nasty comment.

Maybe they gossiped about you or caused unnecessary drama. It could be something very trivial and insignificant. Whatever the reason, you just can’t move past it and stubbornly refuse to let bygones be bygones.

We have known for years that this is not healthy from a psychological perspective. Holding on to anger clouds people’s judgment and affects their mood in the longer term.

Now a new study shows that it can also have a negative impact on our physical health. Scientists found that even brief fits of rage, triggered by remembering past experiences, damage blood vessels, increasing the risk of stroke and heart attack.

Holding on to anger clouds people’s judgment and negatively affects mood in the long term. Even short bouts of anger damage blood vessels, increasing the risk of stroke and heart attack

It’s tempting to think that not holding a grudge will somehow upset the other person, but no matter how wronged we feel, the reality is that allowing our anger to fester does not punish the other person at all.

Certainly making sure your feelings are known is a good thing, but declining closure only eats you up inside and has little impact on how much remorse or guilt the other party feels.

There is another aspect to all of this. Studies have shown that grudges can promote a sense of moral superiority, making them even harder to shake.

The holder not only feels justified, but is also convinced that he is right and therefore the better person. Such thinking is also harmful to our long-term psychological health because it does not allow us to learn from what happened, try to understand it, or even empathize with others involved.

Resentment is not inevitable. Interestingly, studies have shown that people who are prone to jealousy, sensitivity, immaturity, negativity, and a lack of impulse control are more likely to retain them.

Experiencing anger or annoyance in the moment is fine, but never dealing with it will cause problems – and not just for you.

Feeling angry all the time is something that other people in your life witness. It comes across as bitter, brutal and visceral and makes them wonder if they might one day find themselves on the receiving end of the same treatment.

So, given that grudges are not good for your mental or physical health, or for interpersonal relationships, how can you let them go?

Simply acknowledging that the resentment exists can help reduce it.

A survey of people who admitted to holding grudges found that many of them couldn’t even fully remember why. Accepting yours and trying to remember and understand what led up to it can help you gain perspective.

Ask yourself why you have such a strong, emotional reaction to what happened or how someone behaved. Chances are your feelings are related to something else in your life.

For example, someone may have forgotten your birthday, but the pain this caused is actually related to a deeper fear of being alone, abandoned, or rejected.

Think about your role in what happened and how you would do things differently now. Think about your boundaries and how you communicate them to other people. Remember that letting go of grudges is not necessarily about forgiveness, but about no longer holding on to the anger.

Try to empathize. Rather than rushing to condemn someone else, consider why he or she behaved a certain way. This doesn’t mean you condone their behavior, but if you understand it, it will be easier to let it go.

Avoid hasty conclusions. We often assume we know what someone was thinking or what the motivation behind their actions was, without actually knowing for sure.

Could there be an alternative, more charitable explanation for what happened?

Acknowledge your feelings, sit with them, and think about how to process them in a constructive way so that you can move forward instead of being stuck in the past.

Focus on developing other coping skills. Practice relaxation techniques, focus on the positive, exercise and talk calmly with friends.

Gain perspective and let go of those negative feelings!

I’m confused when people say if you care about the NHS you should vote Labor. I think the Tories have made a lot of mistakes with the NHS over the years, but you only have to look at the Labour-led NHS in Wales to see what a disaster it has been.

You’re right to wait, Kate

The Princess of Wales will not return to her duties this month as some had expected and will not take part in Trooping the Color rehearsals.

I’m glad she’s taking her time after her chemotherapy.

When I worked in cancer care years ago, I remember patients often feeling obligated to do things – from traveling to a wedding to attending a work meeting. I understood the desire to try to return to some semblance of a normal life, but it would very often set back their recovery.

The Princess of Wales will not return to her duties this month and will not take part in Trooping the Color rehearsals

They were exhausted for days just because they didn’t want to let others down. Cancer patients are also at a much greater risk of contracting infections.

She may be our future queen, but Kate is also a parent and if she has any energy left, it should be saved for her three children.

She gives us a great example of how to take the time to recover.

I absolutely love Rishi Sunak’s idea that all 18 year olds should do National Service. This is something I have advocated before in this column and I am glad the Prime Minister listened!

Yes, it will provide a sense of civic pride that is sorely lacking in many young people. But it will also be an opportunity to grow psychologically. It will force them to be more independent, respect authority and understand teamwork.

It will allow them to interact with people from different backgrounds while benefiting from structure and discipline. They will learn resilience and be less self-obsessed. They will look back on it with a sense of pride in the years to come, which will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

Dr. Max prescribes… The 20 minute rule

This is a surprisingly simple way to drink less. Every time you crave a glass of wine, wait 20 minutes before pouring one. This applies to your first drink of the evening, but also to all drinks afterward.

You can still drink the drink after 20 minutes, but it’s a smart way to break the chain of downing multiple drinks in quick succession when you’re socializing or drinking the wine. “It’s 6 p.m., time for an end-of-the-day rosé habit.”

Who knows, you might not have the urge anymore at 6:20 PM.

Whenever you feel like having an alcoholic drink, wait 20 minutes before pouring one