She's not celibate – she's 'boysober'

A flock of mostly twenty-somethings gathered Tuesday night in a chapel-like building in Brooklyn to hear about a topic that has been a hot topic in religious spaces for centuries: celibacy.

Only no one used that term. Instead, they called it “boy sober.”

“I hate the word celibacy,” said the event's host, Hope Woodard, a comedian and storyteller who grew up in the Church of Christ in rural Tennessee.

Ms. Woodard, who lives in Brooklyn, described herself as sex positive — and sometimes wears a button that says “I love female orgasms” to prove it. But after taking stock of her dating life in October and realizing she'd been in one relationship or another since kindergarten, she decided to take a year away from sex and dating.

With almost half a million followers TikTok And Instagram, Ms. Woodard, 27, started using the term “boysober” early in her journey. Now she chronicles the experience in a monthly storytelling and comedy show called “Boysober” at Purgatory, an entertainment venue in Brooklyn's Bushwick neighborhood that was once an administrative building of the Evergreens Cemetery.

At the first sold-out show, the approximately 100 attendees filled the seats and crowded around the small stage. Before introducing the series of strips, Ms. Woodard explained that she intended “boysober” to be an all-encompassing term, one that meant abstaining from romantic relationships with people of any gender.

The audience, made up of mostly women and non-binary people, often burst into laughter as the comedians told stories of inconsiderate partners who left pubic hair on the toilet seat; offered an unrefrigerated cheese stick from their back pocket; and invited another woman to a Halloween party they wanted to go to together.

During her time on the microphone, Ms. Woodard described moments when she was the villain of her own dating story — times when she had rubbed someone the wrong way, or allowed herself to be treated poorly because she wanted attention.

A highlight was her story about returning to Tennessee and spending time with her grandmother, who has dementia. During the visit, she noticed that her grandmother kept sending text messages to her ex (i.e., Mrs. Woodard's grandfather) and became angry when he did not respond. The thing is, her grandfather is dead.

“I'm like, 'Mimi, you're going to be 'reading' to your grave!'” Ms. Woodard told the crowd, using a term for a text that went unanswered.

And yet she recognized herself at that moment.

“Do you ever see your mother or grandmother doing something and you think, 'That's messed up'” – Mrs. Woodard used a stronger word – “but then you think, 'I know I have that in me. mine'?”

A big part of taking a year-long break from sex and romance is unlearning the unhealthy relationship patterns that are often passed down from generation to generation. “Maybe we're one of the first generations of women where we don't really need a man for energy and strength and whatever,” Ms. Woodard said.

Eliza Wright, an event planner from Brooklyn who was in the audience, said she knew what it was like to take a break from men. After a few bad sexual experiences in college, she stopped having sex for a few years, and during that time she realized she wasn't attracted to men at all, she said. She then fell in love with her old best friend Jess. The two are now married.

Ms Wright, 25, pointed out the pressure on women to earn male attention. “If that solves,” she said, “a whole new world will open up.”

Ms. Woodard said that growing up in the South, she was raised to please others. Now, she said, she sometimes has trouble knowing what she wants. At its core, her “boy sober” year is about learning to say no.

“I'm a little angry at myself and angry at all the sex I've had that I feel like I didn't choose,” she said. “For the first time I feel like I own my body.”

Catie Kobland, 24, a nanny and graduate student in Manhattan who attended the event, said she and her friends “go celibate” every now and then.

“If you're getting out of a relationship, or you're in a really bad situation and dating or seeing people is tainted, and you want to flush it out of your mouth, then I think the best way to do that is celibacy ,” Ms. Kobland said. “It's the biggest mental health craze this year.”