How to clean up your dating life
If you’re on the dating scene in 2024, you’ve probably accumulated a certain amount of junk. Maybe it’s an outdated online profile that you can’t renew, or a match that you keep messaging even though you don’t see a future together. Maybe you’re still being haunted by someone who ghosted you.
These forms of romantic hoarding are symptomatic of an app-driven dating culture in which people are conditioned to constantly swipe and seek new perspectives, even though that’s “not necessarily the best thing for your mental health,” says Nick Fager, a certified mental health expert . advisor who sees clients in New York and California.
“Each of these people you match with, who you start conversations with, takes up a little bit of psychic space,” he said. “You can only form so many new relationships before you start to burn out.”
Mr. Fager and other mental health and dating experts shared strategies that can help declutter your dating life and bring a renewed sense of clarity and calm.
Think about what you really want.
If your love life feels messy and confused, spend some time identifying your goals, says Samantha Burns, a licensed mental health counselor and dating coach in Boston. Are you on the rebound and just want to have fun? Are you looking for a long-term partner?
“A messy dating life feels chaotic,” she said. “It feels like you have no real framework for your dating decisions.”
Lamont White, a professional matchmaker and dating coach in Atlanta, said it can help to look back at past relationships and previous dates and write down what you liked or what you felt was missing. He takes a hard line when it comes to dating if you can’t clearly articulate what you want. “People who are not dating with intention should stay out of the dating pool,” Mr White said.
Therapy can also be a useful tool “for people in the dating scene to become really, really, really self-aware,” says Lisa Blum, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California. That could mean unpacking childhood experiences and previous relationships with a professional. . “You have to ‘make your choice’ so that you don’t invite relationships that really don’t serve you,” she said.
Set limits on the apps.
Dating junk, like all electronic waste, can easily end up on your phone. There are no hard and fast rules, the experts said, but Mr. White advises against using more than two dating apps at a time to avoid becoming overwhelmed.
Ms. Burns recommends communicating with no more than three to five people at a time — and making a mental commitment to message everyone you “swipe right” on. This ensures that swiping isn’t a “mindless process” or a temporary “ego boost,” she says. It can also help to set a time limit for swiping and interacting with matches, such as 20 minutes a day, she said — and to delete contacts or conversations that have failed.
If you feel any kind of connection to a match, try to move your interactions offline as quickly as possible, Mr. Fager said. He acknowledged how intimidating and time-consuming it can be to go on a date or even call someone, but texting endlessly also takes a lot of time and mental effort.
“I think it’s better to save your energy for that one meeting,” Mr. Fager said. That way, he added, you don’t project your romantic hopes onto “30 different” unsuitable matches.
Beware of ghost images.
Mr. Fager knows that there are times when ghosting may be necessary, as matches can sometimes be unfair or even tied dangerous. But closing the loop, if you’re able to, can be restorative for both of you, he said.
“I completely understand the urge to ghost. I did it,” Mr. Fager admitted. “But I don’t think people realize how much it leads to things like burnout.”
The lack of closure can be emotionally draining on all sides.
Keep it simple, he said. Instead of dragging out an online conversation, or getting hung up on a “situation” that isn’t going anywhere, you could say something like “this doesn’t feel like a match,” Mr. Fager said, or even just “see you later.” .
Listen to your feeling.
There are often moments, in the early stages of getting to know someone, that can offer a glimpse into how he or she will treat you in the future, Dr. Blum said. Paying attention to this can provide clarity, she said.
Dr. Blum gave the example of a friend who struck up a promising conversation with a man she met at a restaurant. But on their first date, he insisted on taking her to a seafood restaurant even though she told him she was a vegetarian. He then ordered a giant seafood tower, while she chose the only salad on the menu.
“We tend to make excuses and explain away the behavior,” noted Dr. Blum up. Don’t invest your hopes in a match that starts on the wrong foot, she said: “That’s part of cleaning up from the very beginning.”