The lifelong gift of friendship between siblings
Sisters Audrey Findlay, 75, and Barbara Rowe, 63, start every weekday with a phone call at 8am. About an hour later, they go to work together at Findlay Rowe, the gift shop they opened 12 years ago. (Previously, they spent 13 years at the same healthcare company, where Ms. Findlay was the CEO and Ms. Rowe was the Payroll Manager.)
At 5 or 6 p.m., the sisters leave work and go home—four houses apart. And after dinner, they reunite for an hour-long walk, easily transitioning into what their adult children (they have nine together) affectionately call their “twin talk.”
“One of us will start a sentence, not finish it, and the other will already answer,” said Ms Findlay.
The sisters have their arguments, as can be expected from two people who often spend most of their days together. But they are determined to stay close and be there for each other.
“Our father was an orphan and he felt very strongly for family,” said Ms Rowe. “We can have a knock-down, drag-out fight, and the next day it’s like, ‘Well, where are we going to eat?'”
More than 80 percent of Americans growing up with at least one sibling, and research shows that those relationships can provide benefits well into adulthood. a Study from 2019 those targeting people in their mid-60s, for example, found that warmth between adult siblings can act as a buffer against loneliness and help increase well-being.
While not much research has been done on how well most adults get along with their siblings, data from the 2015 book “Adult Sibling Relationships” co-authored by Geoffrey Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work , gives some clues. In qualitative interviews with 262 adults, 64 percent said they considered themselves a “good friend” to at least one of their siblings, and 45 percent said they considered at least one of their siblings one of their best friends .
Still, 70 percent said they had ups and downs with their siblings over the course of their lives, said Dr. Greif in an interview, and 8 percent said they were never close.
“Sibling relationships, like all familial relationships, have a degree of ambivalence and ambiguity,” said Dr. Greif — an obvious statement perhaps, but one he says is important for siblings to keep in mind so they don’t set an “impossible standard” for what constitutes a solid relationship.
And he and other therapists who focus on family relationships believe it’s possible to strengthen an adult sibling bond, even if you don’t have (or even want) the kind of intense bond that Ms. Findlay and Ms. Rowe to share. Here are three strategies that can help.
Give each other permission to change.
Nicholas Gant, 40, and his sister Gaybrielle LeAnn, 37, were extremely close as young children – Mr Gant taught his little sister to walk and talk, as family lore goes. But during adolescence, they drifted apart. Mrs. LeAnn described her brother as a talented singer who was kind and charismatic; she said this created a “natural magnetic field” around him that sometimes made it difficult for her to find her own voice.
Both traditionally attended black colleges and universities, or HBCUs, an experience that they say taught them the importance of building community — and helped them “recognize our need for each other,” Mr Gant said. He and Mrs. LeAnn spent their 20s and 30s not only learning about themselves, but also making it a point to stand up for and understand the other sibling: If Mr. Gant, who is a singer, is a show, his sister is in the audience. When Ms. LeAnn recently celebrated eight years since she survived life-threatening blood clots, her brother was there.
“I feel like we’ve really found each other again,” said Mr. Gant. “We kind of fell in love again like siblings.”
Ms. LeAnn credits their “ability to grow and love each other as individuals, and not just as blood relatives” for helping to make them “good friends.”
That willingness to see and embrace a sibling’s growth is important, said Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist in Charlotte, NC, and the author of “Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships.”
“Sometimes there’s a version of you they remember,” Ms. Tawwab said. For example, an older sibling may continue to think of a younger sibling as the “baby” — even if that baby is 60 years old. “You have to let people evolve and not treat them the way you’ve always treated them,” she said.
To get a better sense of who your sibling is, Whitney Goodman, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Miami, suggested asking regular questions like, “What are you doing right now?” and “What’s going on in your life that I don’t know about?”
“I like people to come back to themselves and think about, how much have I changed, how much have I grown? And how do I want my brother or sister to see me?” said Mrs Goodman. Then consider, “How can I bestow the same grace on them?”
Be aware of the influence of your parents on your dynamics.
All the therapists interviewed for this story noted that no matter how loving parents are, they can make sibling bonding difficult. Dr. Greif said it can help to ask yourself, “Am I being ‘triangulated’ with my sibling and my mother or father?” By which he means: Have you fallen into a pattern of communication with your parent or parents that determines how you feel about your sibling, even though no one intends that?
To avoid that kind of interference, the experts said you can set a simple ground rule: When you talk to your parents or spend time with them, don’t talk about your siblings — especially if the conversation takes the form of gossip.
You may also want to explore whether alleged parental favoritism affects your relationship with a sibling. Survey data suggest 40 percent of Americans feel that their parents had a favorite child, and studies have shown that it is one roadblock to sibling closeness.
“In the study, parental favoritism is one of the biggest influences on how that sibling relationship is going to function, especially in childhood,” Ms Goodman said. ‘That’s the most finite resource, right? A parent’s attention. And siblings can absolutely take that into adulthood.
Families shouldn’t shy away from discussing parental favoritism, Ms Goodman said, although she acknowledged that having such conversations is easier said than done. Adult siblings can benefit from attending therapy together (with or without their parents), even if it’s to deal with things that happened years ago, she said.
Dr. Kramer agreed that having these kinds of direct conversations can help mend “years of resentment” between siblings, “if people are willing to talk about these things and be honest with their perceptions — and gentle with them.” being each other.”
Make time to enjoy each other’s company.
Growing up, Ken LoCicero, 54, and Ricky LoCicero, 58, were best friends and roommates. Growing up, they found a grueling way to spend time together: They ran 50 marathons in 50 states together, a pursuit that spanned more than 20 years.
That might be an extreme example of making time for each other. But, Ms. Goodman said, siblings sometimes lose sight of the fact that their relationship, like any other, requires attention and care. “We often expect family relationships to thrive because someone is related to us, but it doesn’t work that way,” she said.
Siblings need to find ways to have fun together, said Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied psychology at Northeastern University who leads a program that teaches young siblings strategies for getting along. “It’s really hard when all of your interactions are about issues one of you is having,” or when you’re arguing over who’s going to take care of a parent’s needs, she said. “Find times when you can really enjoy each other.”
Sometimes it’s enough to pull out old photos and spend a few minutes reminiscing, Dr. Kramer added.
The LoCicero brothers enjoyed race days and how often they could take their wife and kids and make a weekend of it. But they equally enjoyed the hours spent together training and planning. Sometimes they walked in silence. Other times they talked about work, marriage and children. (The LoCiceros also have a sister who they are close friends with and a brother who died of pancreatic cancer 15 years ago, a painful loss that has made them even closer.)
Though their 50-marathon quest is complete, the brothers still talk on the phone or see each other every few days, living only seven miles apart. “Kenny, I know, will always be available, approachable and willing to listen,” said Ricky. And he believes there is nothing that can change that bond.
“With Ricky, there’s nothing I wouldn’t say out loud,” Ken repeated. To know how committed his brother is to their relationship, and to feel that they can be honest and vulnerable with each other, is, he said, “a gift.”