When you can’t give your boss a timeout

Tactfully saying: ‘Mind your own business’

I love my job. I work with a great team, I really enjoy what I do, I am appreciated and I contribute to something that really helps people. But. I’m in the middle of a lot of personal issues with my family right now. Without going into too much detail, some very unsavory things have been said and done. I have withdrawn from my family so that I can fully analyze my thoughts and feelings surrounding these events so that I can decide what boundaries are necessary to move forward.

So how is this connected to work? My manager often asks about the time I spend with my family. I try to comment on a superficial level about how good it was and how well they are doing, but my true feelings on this subject always simmer beneath the surface. My manager means well, and I don’t believe he is being inappropriate, but I don’t know how to communicate about family estrangement. If I suddenly say, “Please stop asking about my family,” I know he’s going to get worried after I’ve kept up this charade for so long.

– Anonymously

I’m so sorry to hear about your family’s estrangement. Family breakdowns are so difficult, and language often falls short when trying to explain what is going on, how it affects you, and what you need. Your manager clearly means well, but you need time and space. I would suggest telling him that you appreciate the kindness he is showing by asking about your family, but that things are difficult right now, that you would rather not talk about it, that you are doing as well as can be expected and that you hope he can respect this. border. Sometimes you have to be direct and honest about what you need.

Wanted: External Validation

I work in a creative job within the government. We’re a small team, but we have a lot of influence and leeway because our output is large, the higher-ups love our work, and we save the government millions of dollars every year. My dilemma: We all have very specialized jobs, and some of my colleagues seem to ignore my work and my contributions. They feel their work is more important (even though higher-ups have said the opposite), and it’s a constant struggle every time we start a new project.

I raised the issue with my manager, who promises change, but is also conflict-averse and so nothing changes. I feel demoralized on every project, even though I get a lot of praise from management. Should I discuss the matter again with my manager? Go over their heads to their manager? Go all the way to the top? Should I just look for a new job where my skills and contributions are actually appreciated? Or should I move into management (and I have the qualifications to do so) and get rid of all the colleagues who annoy me?

– Anonymously

More information would help here. How does your coworkers’ disdain for your contributions affect your work? And if your managers appreciate your work and tell you so, why do you care about the validation of your colleagues? Sure, we all want to be recognized and appreciated for our professional contributions, but why are you considering taking this to the top?

Before you do anything drastic, review the issue with your manager and clarify what the issue is, how it affects you, and what the ideal outcome is. You don’t have to solve this problem alone, but sometimes it can help to give managers a little push in the right direction. If all else fails, then yes, you should take over management and fire all your enemies. (I’m kidding. I’m kidding.)

Roxane Gay is the most recent author of “Opinions: A Decade of Arguments, Criticism, and Minding Other People’s Business” and a contributing opinion writer. Write her at workfriend@nytimes.com