So you’re in love with a bad sleeper

My husband is a restless sleeper. He turns over, pulls the duvet up to his chin and throws it off a few seconds later – often leaving him covered in sweat.

When I asked him if this was an accurate description of his sleeping habits, he said he consistently woke up around 2 a.m. and fidgeted with his phone.

Fortunately, I have always been a heavy sleeper. But as I reach middle age, I am more sensitive to his restlessness. Now when I feel exhausted after a night of interrupted sleep, resentment creeps in.

Getting good sleep is complicated when more than one person is involved, says Wendy Troxel, senior behavioral scientist at the RAND Corporation and author of “Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep.”

Many people enjoy the sense of safety and security that can come from sharing a bed with a partner, she said, but in some cases “the level of disruption begins to undermine the psychological benefits.”

a January 2023 survey from SleepFoundation.org found that 53 percent of respondents who decided to sleep separately said it improved their sleep quality. But a so-called ‘sleep divorce’ is not the only option. We asked Dr. Troxel and other experts look at some practical strategies for managing bedtime for a restless sleeper.

Look for an underlying problem.

“Restless sleeper” is a broad, nonclinical term that people often use for someone who falls in and out of sleep or moves around a lot, says Philip Gehrman, an associate professor of clinical psychology in psychiatry at Penn Medicine. But sometimes “restless” sleepers really do have an underlying sleep disorder.

Encourage your partner to contact their GP, he said, who may recommend a sleep clinic or specialist to perform a nightly sleep study, which looks for conditions such as restless leg syndrome, sleep apnea or chronic insomnia.

“People are so afraid of getting a sleep study because they think they have to sleep in a lab and have all these wires hanging from it,” says Shelby Harris, clinical associate professor of neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York. York City. But, she added, non-invasive at-home sleep studies are also common.

Hack the bed.

Sometimes restlessness is simply a sign of discomfort, and a few adjustments can have big consequences. It may help to attach two separate mattresses with a connecting piece, said Dr. Harris. This allows you and your partner to determine how soft or firm your mattresses should be, reducing the need to toss and turn and be pushed by your partner’s movements.

Separate blankets can also help, said Dr. Troxel, noting that her clients sometimes drape a large comforter over both if aesthetics are an issue.

Some beds have technology that allows couples to adjust their sides for comfort, said Dr. Harris, or you can invest in individual mattress protectors with heating or cooling capabilities.

Respect your partner’s sleeping patterns.

Sleep patterns are partly fixed, and couples may encounter problems synchronizing. Night owls can be restless simply because they aren’t really tired yet, and that can keep a morning lark awake.

“There’s this idea: ‘Well, we have to go to bed at the same time or there’s something wrong with our relationship.’ No!” said Dr. Gehrman. “Maybe one person should just go to bed earlier than the other and get a good, healthy night’s sleep before the night owl comes in.”

Most deep sleep occurs in the first third of the night, he added, so it’s a good rule of thumb to give the partner who goes to bed earlier 30 to 45 minutes before sneaking in.

Look inside.

Dr. Troxel has worked with couples where one partner has insomnia or some other problem but misattributes his or her awakening to a bedmate.

The experts said it can help to look at your own sleep habits and hygiene and consider whether there are steps you can take to sleep more soundly – ​​even when your partner is awake. For example, does alcohol or caffeine destroy your sleep? Does stress send you into a mental spiral every time you wake up?

Destigmatize the ‘sleep divorce’.

Some partners are simply happier and more rested when they sleep in separate beds, the experts say, especially if one person can’t tame their restlessness or snoring. Dr. Harris encourages such couples to set aside a few minutes for intimacy before bed — perhaps reading next to each other or just spooning.

Both partners should have their own comfortable bed or bedroom to sleep in, she said, although she acknowledged that isn’t always possible.

Also, be mindful when discussing sleep issues and possible solutions: “Not at 2am!” Dr. Troxel said – and emphasize how valuable good sleep is to the health of each party and your overall connection.

“It’s really a pro-relationship behavior to talk openly about challenges that arise in that roughly one-third of our lives that we spend sleeping and with our partner,” she said.