Is this new hotel in Dubai the craziest of them all? Jennifer Lopez is one of the first guests. The Mail follows in her footsteps and enjoys a 17-button toilet and a bath big enough for three people

Who knows what Jennifer Lopez made of the Quality Street bowl in her hotel room.

The star reportedly earned £3.9million for singing and staying at the grand opening of One&Only One Za’abeel last month.

But when I arrived four days later – one of the first paying guests to visit the new ultra-luxury resort in Dubai – I was surprised to find complimentary Orange Cremes, Green Triangles and Purple Ones among the champagnes and single malts in my minibar.

The West Yorkshire-made sweets aren’t the strangest extra on offer.

While its sister property, Atlantis The Royal, has gold-plated toothbrushes for guests, One&Only One Za’abeel goes one step further.

A view from the sofa of one of the bedrooms in the ultra-luxury resort in Dubai

One suite includes a free cocktail party for eight people, Ed writes

Some suites have soundproof walls and recording facilities; others give guests a ‘free Longevity Scan Index’ upon arrival (no, me neither); one, for £22,500 a night, even includes a ‘man cave’ for guests.

My favorite would probably be the one with a free cocktail party for eight people – if only I had remembered to bring seven friends.

As it is, I stay in just one ‘room’ – even though it’s still ridiculously luxurious, with a walk-through closet, a sofa with so many thick cushions I have to remove eight of them to sit, a toilet with seventeen buttons to to control the ‘intimate cleaning’ functions, and a bath large enough for three people.

It’s best not to speculate about which of these luxury items was the big draw for Naomi Campbell, Idris Elba, David Gandy or Emma Radacanu, who attended the hotel’s opening weekend with J-Lo.

That pool, overlooking Dubai’s glittering sci-fi skyline, is a 53-story pinnacle.

The hotel is housed in one of two 300-foot towers, meaning guests can look down on ant-sized cars driving along the 12-lane highway below

Ed stays in “just one room” at the hotel – although that’s still a ridiculous plus, he says

LEFT: Ed’s bath at the hotel offers views of Dubai’s glittering sci-fi skyline. RIGHT: The writer is surprised to find free Quality Street chocolates among the champagnes and single malts in his minibar

The hotel is housed in one of two 300-foot towers, meaning guests can look down on ant-sized cars speeding along the 12-lane highway below.

But it also means I spend a lot of time in elevators. (Safety measures mean you’ll have to change elevators to get from your room to restaurants and bars.)

And while One &Only One Za’abeel is more convenient to Dubai’s business district than the beach, don’t leave your swimwear at home.

On the 4th floor is a palm-lined swimming pool with hot and cold running waiters. It’s a beautiful place – and the private area is where Campbell/Gandy types can relax, hidden by thick palm fronds and a fence for about a hundred pounds extra.

In one of the hotel rooms, a bathroom sinks with his and hers

Better yet is the spectacular infinity pool on the hotel’s 27th floor, 200 meters long and 100 meters high in the air, atop the longest cantilever bridge in the world. It has cabanas, swim-up bars and a clubby Japanese-Peruvian bar/restaurant.

There are 11 restaurants. Granted, there is some silliness: Thai-style fortune telling at DuangDy; waiters in straitjackets at avant-garde StreetXO; and a late-night ‘snacks’ menu at Sphere, with a £2,500 portion of caviar.

After a few days I’m half a stone heavier, 100 percent happier, and my hand luggage consists mostly of stolen Quality Street.

I bet if you checked J-Lo’s, hers would be too.