Should we pay for our kids’ “platonic partners” on family vacations?

When my husband and I got married years ago, we created a blended family with children from our previous marriages. Together we decided that travel was important to us, and we prioritized it: We stayed in our tiny house and drove used cars to pay for annual family trips. Now the children are grown, but we want to continue taking them on vacation. So far we have involved our son’s old partner. Our other two kids are single, but we have a dilemma with our daughter’s best friend and roommate. Our daughter asked if she could take her on a recent theater outing. We weren’t thrilled about spending $150 on a seventh ticket, but her friend had to work, so it became a non-issue. But what if this comes up on our next family holiday to Ireland? Do we have to pay for her? Are platonic partners on the same level as romantic partners?

MOM

I admire the care you and your husband have taken in prioritizing family experiences over possessions. I bet it wasn’t easy; kids have a way of yelling at things. But then you and your husband were the only adults. Now there are five adults. So it doesn’t really matter how I rank these different relationships: you need to talk to your kids about this.

Now, if you and your man have strong feelings here, game over! It’s your money. But to me your question suggests a desire to treat your children equally and respect relationships that are important to them. I imagine someone values ​​a best friend and roommate as much as a romantic partner; I can also imagine someone who wouldn’t. So ask your daughter how she feels. There are many ways to start a family; sex and romance are not required.

In the future, gather the kids and reiterate your commitment to family travel. Share your budget and total costs with close relatives. Depending on the surplus, you can cover part (or all) of the travel costs of partners and chosen family members – or you can refund those costs to the children involved. However, try to be candid. It will serve you better to be inclusive than to unilaterally decide which of your children’s relationships matter more.

Right, but silent

My husband’s father left his mother when my husband was 2. He didn’t come back into my husband’s life until he had his third wife and my husband was 19. The wife has three daughters. She often talks about parties and explains that only family attends – without inviting us. My husband says he doesn’t care, but it drives me crazy. Can I ask her not to tell me more about these events?

WOMAN

I understand your annoyance about rubbing your nose in your exclusion. But I would keep quiet, for your husband’s sake. It sounds like he has a complicated history with his dad, and he told you he doesn’t care. I would hate for you to insult his stepmother (even though I understand your feelings) if it could lead to estrangement or awkwardness between father and son. This seems to be his calling.

The pungent smell of a sweet gesture

I started dating my generous friend two years ago. His first gift to me was an expensive bottle of perfume. Unfortunately it was too strong for me. A year later: another powerful and expensive fragrance. I suggested we exchange it, but he said, “No! It’s a gift!” I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but I’d like to sell the perfumes and use the money for us as a couple. Thoughts?

FEMALE FRIEND

Not every gift will be a humdinger. (It’s a cliché for a reason: It’s the thought that counts.) I also drive gifts I don’t care for if they have sentimental value: family heirlooms, for example. But we are talking about store-bought perfumes here. Stop worrying about appearing ungrateful and start enjoying yourself.

Thank your boyfriend for his unquestioned thoughtfulness, then exchange the perfume for something you like – or resell it, if you prefer, and spend the money as you see fit. (You don’t have to buy something for the two of you!) I disagree with your friend that you’re saddled with these bottles forever simply because they were gifts. And, after two years together, why don’t you tell him you don’t really like smells? Many people aren’t.

Harshing Grandma’s Mellow

Last summer, while my family and I were visiting my grandparents in Colorado, I walked in on my grandma smoking weed. She didn’t see me, but it still makes me uncomfortable. Her health is not great and I am concerned. Relatives have asked me if I know anything, but I kept my mouth shut. Should I confront my grandma or tell my family what I saw?

GRANDCHILD

Wait a second! You saw your grandma smoking weed one time. Why do you think it’s a problem, or even related to her health issues? Unless there’s some relevant fact you haven’t shared, I’d stay out of this. (If you are a young person – just a hunch – and you feel troubled by what you saw, tell your parents.) And if you still want to talk to your grandmother, temper judgment and make sure you some research into the impressive medicinal properties of cannabis at the forefront.

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