Is it a crush or have you been tricked?

What distinguishes boundaries from infatuation or love is the intensity, an emotional roller coaster that fluctuates from euphoria to despair. Giulia Poerio, a psychologist and mind-wandering researcher at the University of Sussex in England, said: “Any sign of rejection can send a person to a low point, and any sign of interest can send a person to a high point.” It's an endless mind game of, “She loves me, she loves me not.”

Limerents, who deeply fear rejection, rest their self-esteem in the hands of a LO who may not even know they exist. The LO is usually a friend, colleague or stranger you meet by chance. It could also be someone you had a brief romantic encounter with that seems unresolved, explains Dr. Out of luck, especially if the LO keeps leaving breadcrumbs behind.

Sue Crump, a 67-year-old volunteer at a mental health charity shop in Sheffield, England, said she spent 18 months obsessively watching YouTube videos with her LO, a much younger, married singer whom she had met briefly a few times. “I fantasized about being in a relationship with him and read things in the texts and online messages he sent in response to mine.” She turned to A Limence support group on Facebook, shortly after the isolation of the pandemic lockdown made her cravings even worse. “It made me realize I wasn't alone, and that I wasn't going crazy,” Ms. Crump said.

Limerence is fed by replaying memories and practicing future interactions. “There's a fair amount of mental time travel involved,” said Dr. Poerio, who asked respondents to write descriptions of these fantasies. “It is often not romantic or sexual in nature. The main thing is that you want to feel loved and cared for.”

Chris Gregory, 53, a certified yoga instructor in Denver, remembers first encountering dependency in high school. “I would develop an insanely obsessive crush on women and then not pursue them. Then I would be crushed by their failure to respond to the way the scene had played out in my own mind and heart. I felt unworthy,” he said. Gregory continued to experience a sense of limitation throughout his adult life, he said, but he mistook it for love.