LIZ JONES: The Kardashians and the White House are making fun of the royals, and as far as TikTok goes, Kate has done a Gone Girl. Maybe she should just give us a wave?

They still don’t know who shot JFK, but millions think they know what happened to the Princess of Wales.

For them, it has taken up almost every waking moment.

So it’s no wonder that this mysterious new sighting has caused not only confusion but also anger among the legions of Kate fans.

We hear that William and Catherine were spotted at the Windsor farm shop on Saturday and went to watch their children play sports the next day.

But in the age of smartphones, no one – just no one – took a photo.

I was on the phone with three friends yesterday when we heard a rumor that a big announcement was coming. We were terrified. In tears.

To hear a few hours later that the royal couple had been spotted relaxing was a kick in the teeth.

We felt foolish. And we’re still not convinced. In fact, we feel royally abandoned.

When the royal family is about respect, about doing the right thing, I feel completely disrespected.

Have we been worrying all these days for nothing?

Apart from the creepier theories – Catherine is in a coma, has been hit with a Covid jab, has left both her husband and the country – most are farcical.

Kate has had a bad haircut and is waiting for it to grow out. She took part in the much-ridiculed Wonka Experience. She is Banksy.

She has undergone a Brazilian butt lift and/or a facelift. The finger injury from September 2023 has flared up into something serious.

On February 23, two black and one gray horses were seen leaving Buckingham Palace: apparently a bad omen. As far as TikTok is concerned, she has created a Gone Girl and made herself disappear into thin air – in the style of the bestseller and the film that followed.

It all reminds me of an episode of Fawlty Towers where Basil can’t bear to tell his friends that Sybil has run off in a panic. Instead he says she is sick in bed and her thighs are swollen.

So Basil is digging himself into an ever deeper hole – and that is exactly what the Welsh are doing now. Maybe they also bought a shovel at the garden center.

I’m tired of commentators saying all this speculation is bullying or just a waste of time.

One Sunday newspaper tried to dismiss online concern for Kate as ‘prurient’, a cruel theatre, both ‘degrading and infantilising’.

Real? I agree with Earl Spencer when he said that the attention drawn to his sister Diana was far more dangerous than the current online scrutiny of Kate.

The fact is, we play detective because we care. So stop trying to downplay the faked Mother’s Day photo.

A source close to the Waleses has said that Kate is not a ‘show pony’. But in the nicest way possible, that’s EXACTLY what she is.

Ninety-nine point nine percent of us will only know the Princess of Wales through the lens of a camera.

The late Queen once said that monarchy must be seen to be believed. Now? We don’t believe what we see.

Catherine doesn’t say much, so image is everything. Every photo is part of history.

If she wants to be “amateur” about her photos, as she put it, then she’s in the wrong job.

Because Kate matters. In a few years she could be queen.

As long as she’s okay, we’re okay too.

We need her to be stable, happy and smiling in a world that is far from that.

And we need her to accept that a portrait of a movie star or model in a magazine – possibly ‘adjusted’ – is completely different from a news photo that you eagerly await.

Reputable photo agencies are no match for any distortion in this age of artificial intelligence.

Most newspaper reports and television bulletins still pat us on the back as if we were children, as if everything is going according to plan.

One of them stated that the palace telephones were ‘ringing red’ with well wishes from the public.

I don’t believe that for a second. Who calls a landline these days when they can post online?

The solution to all this speculation and ridicule is simple: don’t ignore us, as the Prince of Wales did when he arrived for his Earthshot speech on Thursday evening.

When a reporter shouted, “William, how is Catherine?” there was no acknowledgment at all, which, given the furor, only seemed awkward.

This is especially true abroad, where the media is not nearly as restrained as ours.

Did you see the White House spokesman chuckle when asked about the photo and say, “That’s not something we do here”?

Even Kim Kardashian joked this weekend that she was “on her way to find Kate.”

It’s like the world was waiting for a pile.

William: we understand that you want to protect your family, have a private bubble. But Earthshot was a public moment. Why don’t you smile and tell her she’s fine?

Oh, and don’t take four weeks off over Easter and let others hold the fort.

Kate: Show yourself smiling and waving for a few seconds. King Charles does it bravely, even though he looks mushy.

By hiding, you make a mockery of all your mental health initiatives about how important it is to be open.

One moment you’re on Insta, the next moment it’s like you’re locked in the Tower.

The world waits with bated breath. Yet no one can take a photo of that visit to the farm, not even a blurry profile.

If it’s all true – and you actually took a leisurely trip to the garden center – that makes it all worse.

You could also have taken a selfie and just posted it. Over there. Finished. Sorted.

None of this makes sense.